Why Do We?
February 16th, 2006 by Erin Pavlina
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I’m a parent. I’ve got 2 small children ages 2 and nearly 6. I do what all parents do; I try to teach my kids right from wrong, good from bad, proper from improper. How do I know what to teach them? It’s instinct. It’s what we all seem to know deep down inside as the difference between right and wrong. I don’t think you need to read a book to know these things, you just know them. And you pass the information along to your kids as they grow.
But somewhere along the way, we as a society have forgotten what we were all taught as children.
Why do we tell our children not to fight with each other, yet we go to war? Why do we tell our children to be kind to one another, and yet we ignore homeless people on the street? Why do we tell our children to treat people with respect, and then we ignore the suffering of the innocent because it’s “not our problem?”
Why do we tell our children to go outside and play, while we tear down trees to make room for a new mall? Why do we tell our children not to steal, and then take land from other people just because we want it? Why do we teach our children to share, while we withhold food from the hungry? Why do we tell children to apologize when they’ve hurt someone, yet we write books glorifying our victories in battle?
Why do we tell our children to play nice with others, and we spend our money creating new ways of killing each other?
Why do we bother teaching our children anything when we’re not even following our own advice?
When does it all start to break down? At what age? When do our children stop listening to what we say and start doing what we do?
What if we were to stop telling our children how to behave and started practicing what we preach? What if we started actually being kind, compassionate, loving, caring, considerate, noble, honorable, and just? What might that do for our children? And our world?
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February 16th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
I just came across your site via your husband’s. I’ll be taking a closer look through your archives soon. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
February 16th, 2006 at 11:29 pm
Why? Because by doing this we still raise the consciousness of the world and although it progresses more slowly, one day it will reach the level of courage.
But you are right, being an example does more than preaching from a high place. I’ve learned more about love and compassion from my grand grand mother than from all the rest of the people put together. She never told me anything but she always had a smile on her face, always. She never told me to pray or go to church and yet almost everytime I visit her she was in prayer. She always stopped the prayer to greet me because she knew that prayer was a tool and that I, as a human, was more important than a tool. She never learned to read or write yet she is to this day the wisest person I met. She lived her entire life in a small mud hut yet, she was the richest person I knew.
The only thing we need to teach is love and that cannot be explained with words only with actions.
February 17th, 2006 at 7:17 am
Why do we tell your kids not to be lazy and then tell them to get the remote for us?
February 17th, 2006 at 3:39 pm
I’ve been thinking about this since I read it (yesterday I think). I have two kids as well and I try to teach by example but there are a few areas where I want them to do as I say, not as I do. I’ve explained to them that it’s my own weakness that prevents me from doing as I claim they should but that’s not the right way to go about it and I know it. It’s just so difficult to live up to the high standards we try to teach. I guess it’s time to try a little harder.
February 18th, 2006 at 7:11 am
I think people forget because often they are not taught why it’s better to do one vs. the other. Sure, helping each other might be good for the world and society, but how is that good for the person (why should I try to make the world better when not a lot of people care)? People are often very egoistic by nature and it’s really hard not to be. When you (or me, often I am selfish but I notice that only after wards or when somebody points it out) are egoistic it’s hard to do something (or do something else) that doesn’t show direct benefit, such as help poor person.
Sure, in the long run it’s better to help another country, but in the short run that will mean that I will have to give something up (my TV show? my car? cheap clothes from China?). And even worse, we can help the other country and in time it might turn around and try to exploit our help… Anyway, I think it’s important to teach not only good from bad, but also why good is good and bad is bad (especially from different perspectives. In the war each side thinks they are good and enemy is bad). It’s also important to teach people why they should help. How not to be egoistic (and why it’s good not to be) and so on. I think too many people have to learn this on their own as they go through life (and often they never do learn). I certainly wish my parents would have taught me a little bit more about why the world can be a better place because of what I do and why I should care (I do:) but I’m not sure some people feel the same). Anyway, I think the whole picture is more complicated to cover in a single comment, but maybe you could write more about what is good and what is bad and why good is good and why it’s good to spread good and why it’s bad to spread bad..
February 19th, 2006 at 2:54 pm
Hi everybody,
Here in Germany, currently they’re broadcasting a TV spot saying “You are Germany”, trying to …well, wake up the people and say them that not only they are responsible for their own lifes, but also for their country and all the people living in Germany.
And that’s exactly the point: When you “do good”, you are not doing this for the others - in fact, you are the others, so whatever you are doing to others, you’re doing it to yourself.
I’m far from perceiving reality that way all the time, but a lot of my motivation to help others already comes from that point of view.
And from such a point of view, it sounds really stupid to say one thing and do something else.
Slava Ivanyuk: Intresting questions you ask. But I think you’re fighting yourself: Some part beliefes it would be right to help, and another part replies “Hey, where’s the benefit for me?” Quite a common pattern, also on the other side of the ocean, I think.
Steve wrote something about this too, I think - I remember a long part about this in his Podcast about overcoming fear.
@Erin: Perhaps you could write something about why and how to be good
February 19th, 2006 at 8:20 pm
Toais: I’m glad they are trying to show that it’s important and why it’s important to help others.
When I was saying “where’s the benefit for me?” I was trying to show how, I think, people in general see the world. Until they can answer that question they won’t see the point of helping. And even then there’s a point of how far are you prepared to go. For example yes, helping is good, but almost nobody goes as far as to give away (donate) all their possessions to the poor. Most people are prepared to donate some, as soon as their basic needs are met (whatever their basic need is: a roof over the head or having several millions of dollars). So it’s not only the question of why should I help (from general point of view), but also how much am I prepared to help. If I would really care about others I would be prepared to give everything away, but if I only give away half am I half-egoist since I keep some for me? Or should I only give away 10%? Where’s the line (from point of view of a good point) and why is it there?