Maybe you already know what you want in a partner or spouse. Maybe you’re already married to the man or woman of your dreams. Maybe you’re in a good relationship but not a great one and you’re not sure if you should stay or go. I consider myself very lucky to be married to the man of my dreams. But it didn’t just happen. It took some time, thought, and some law of attraction to create this situation. I want to share what I did so you can use the same principles to attract the relationship of your dreams too.
I was very social growing up. I was attracted to people in general. I loved interacting with others and getting to know them. I attracted my first boyfriend in kindergarten. His name was Andy; a little red-haired, freckled kid that lived a few blocks away. One day he gave me a six-pack of lifesavers so I knew he was a keeper. After that, my mom had to drive me to his house every morning before school just so we could walk to school together hand in hand. Cute, yeah, I know. We played together, took naps together on the rug, and all was well. I stayed with Andy until the candy ran out.
Every year after that in school I had a boyfriend. Sometimes they knew they were my boyfriend and sometimes it was a secret (yep, even from them). There was Jeffrey, Darren, Jonathan, Glenny-poo, and lots more. Every year a different guy. But even though these little puppy love crushes were nothing serious, I was actually learning a lot about what I wanted in a man. Glenn, my third grade beau, was a blond haired kid with large black glasses. He was the smartest kid I ever met. He won the city spelling bee championship. It was at this time I learned that I was more attracted to intelligence than looks. This would come into play later.
In junior high things got very serious with a young man who was very philosophical. Oh man I loved to talk to him. We would explore every topic under the sun, from time travel, to life after death, to the existence of God, and the purpose of life. Nothing thrilled me more than these in-depth discussions with this guy. He was very well-read and shared a lot of knowledge with me. Conversing with an intelligent, open-minded fellow really attracted me.
As time went on I started dating more seriously. My first long term relationship was with a really intelligent, open-minded guy who turned out to have anger management issues. Eventually I got away from him and added “sense of humor” to my growing list of attributes I wanted in a man. I cruised through college with a really nice geek frat boy who was really fun to hang out with. After that ended, I dated a few more guys and then decided it was time to get serious about what I really wanted in a husband.
While I was single, I made a list. I wrote down the top 30 character traits I wanted in a future spouse. Then I actually distilled the list down to just four attributes. These were the deal breakers. I decided that I really needed all four of these and that if a guy didn’t have them, I would not pursue a relationship with him. Mind you, it was just four, so it wasn’t like he needed to satisfy 30 requirements. The four were: open-minded (about life, religion, spirituality, etc.), a good sense of humor (this was important after my experience with anger-guy), extremely intelligent (he would need to put Einstein to shame), and be a good father for my children (I had a great dad growing up and I wanted my kids to as well). So that was it.
It’s surprising how well this decisiveness served me. It was very easy for me to know pretty early on if a guy had all four of these attributes. I recall one time when I was working at an assessment center. One of the people we were assessing for job capabilities developed a crush on me. Finally one day he asked me what I wanted in a man. I replied, “He has to be cerebral.” He said, “What does that mean?” To which I replied, “You’re not him.”
And so it was that I tooled along looking for Mr. Right. Many men tried to attract my interest, but most fell short on one of the attributes. I wouldn’t budge. I knew myself too well. And I knew what I wanted. I refused to settle. I met a lot of guys who had some of the other traits on my original list of 30, but not my top four. So they were just out. Period.
And then I met Steve online through a local internet site (back when it was called a BBS). His essay answers captivated me. He was the only person I’d found on the site that bothered to answer his essay questions very thoughtfully and not immaturely. Score one for him. As I got to know him, I discovered quickly that he had a great sense of humor (now he has the awards to prove it). When he described getting through college in just 3 semesters with a double major in math and computer science, and nearly straight A’s I swooned. Still today when Steve does complicated calculus and algorithms in front of me it’s basically akin to foreplay. Steve was extremely philosophical, wanting to know everything there was to know about everything. I figured that was a good start for some great conversations. We used to spend 3 hours on the phone each morning just talking before even getting out of bed. A former Catholic, he had begun searching for the meaning of life all on his own. I immediately saw that he had extreme intelligence unlike anything I’d seen since Glenny-poo back in third grade. He was very open minded, especially when I told him about astral projection and lucid dreaming. Great sense of humor, he always had me laughing. So there was just one more area I had to test… would he be a good father?
Without getting married and having kids, how was I to know? So I started bringing him around when I knew little kids and babies were going to be present. I wanted to see if he was the squishy wishy, playful guy or the “please get this thing away from me” kind of guy. It took a while, we had some false starts, and some borderline experiences but I finally determined he would be a very conscious father, read lots of books on parenting, and with that kind of intelligence and willingness to explore life, I figured he’d be an ideal dad for the kind of kids I wanted to raise.
When I described Steve to my sister, brother, and parents, they knew I was done looking. Besides the Big 4, Steve had a ton of other attributes from my secondary list. Integrity, truth, honor, courage, inner strength, ambition, motivation, and the desire to do something important with his life instead of just squeaking by.
The long and short of it … we got married. Cue the organ music.
Those four attributes never wavered. Today he still has all four. I really credit myself with thinking about all of this before I met him. I can’t stress how important that part is.
If you are in a relationship right now because you fell into it, it can be difficult to determine if you should stay together or not. If you don’t have your list done before you get into a relationship then there is a tendency to ask, “Is he/she good enough?” You’ve got to use zero-sum thinking. Get fully in touch with your key attributes. Ask yourself, “What qualities must my future mate have in order for me to be happy with them?” Then, and only then, ask yourself if your current partner has those attributes. If you do it the opposite way it will come out like this, “Well, what do I like most about my current partner?” And that way leads the wrong direction. You end up settling for something you may or may not want. In some cases, the bird in the hand is not worth as much as the two in the bush.
Knowing what you want in a partner is the very first step to becoming a vibrational match for him or her. Think of it like shopping for groceries. If you make your list ahead of time, you get everything you want and need. If you just go to the store and start haphazardly throwing items into your cart because they look good, what happens when you get home? You may realize, “Oh, I’ve got some lovely macaroni here but I forgot to buy cheese. Oh well, I guess I’ll just make the best of it and eat it plain.” You know that what you really want is the macaroni and cheese.
Finding the partner of your dreams is all about figuring out what you really want so that when you see it you’ll know to grab it and hang on. Hopefully, you’re a match for their list as well. If not, you’ll have to keep looking. To make your list, use character and personality traits. You don’t want to decide things like “Must be a lawyer” because that may not even last. I find that character is what really counts.
So what was on Steve’s list you’re wondering? According to him it was, “Red hair, big boobs, and a writer.” Didn’t I tell you he was funny? He buys me candy occasionally so I keep him around. And when he talks quantum physics at me, I still swoon. Now there’s a love that will last a life time.
So to summarize:
1. Decide what you want in a partner
2. When you find someone new measure him or her against your list
3. If he or she doesn’t have the top attributes let him or her go, don’t waste time.
4. Keep looking, don’t settle, until you find what you really want.
5. Then buy him or her some lifesavers. Trust me, this is a very important step. 😉
Start making that list!