A woman contacted me one day asking if I could do an emergency reading for her as her boyfriend had just passed and she was desperate for communication from him. I told her that normally I suggest waiting at least 3 months after someone has passed before using a medium to make contact. There are several reasons for this:
The Grief is Too Powerful
Grieving sends a beacon of energy into the ether. It’s like a wail. It’s analogous to the sound a microphone makes when there is too much feedback. You almost have to cover your ears. For a deceased person to communicate through that is almost painful.
The Grief is Too Raw
Losing a loved one opens an energetic wound. It’s like a tearing of the energetic cord that existed between the two of you. You’ve got to let the “bleeding” subside before you try to make contact. Otherwise it’s like trying to type after losing half your fingers.
The Deceased Sometimes Aren’t Capable
Just because you’ve crossed over doesn’t mean you know how to communicate with the living. When a deceased person reaches the other side a lot is happening. There’s a life review, a greeting of loved ones, a shift and understanding about who and what we really are, and a time of reflection. While they absolutely are aware of the sadness and grief of their living loved ones, they can’t simply pick up an ethereal phone and start communicating. It takes time and skill to be able to communicate with a medium. Let them get their bearings and learn how to make contact. 3 months is a reasonable time for this. The first week after a passing is not. You risk them not being able to communicate with the medium which is a waste of time, money, and energy.
And there’s one other reason I suggest waiting 3 months to make contact. Let’s go back to the woman who wanted her reading immediately after her boyfriend’s death. After I explained to her the reasons why it’s not a good idea to attempt contact so soon, she insisted she wanted to do it anyway. I relented, but set her appointment for the 3 week mark after his passing, hoping it would be enough time. Sometimes if I can’t reach a specific deceased person, I can still get helpful information about them from the spirit guides who are masters at communicating with psychics and mediums. I warned her that he might not come through, but we would try. She was happy for the opportunity.
When the day of the reading came, he came through loud and clear. He gave me enough validating evidence to pass on to her that she knew for sure we were talking to the right guy. She immediately began sobbing, her grief wound ripping open and tearing again. She was beside herself. I wanted to reach through the phone and give her a hug but couldn’t.
She poured out her heart to him through me. She wasn’t sleeping or eating. She wasn’t going to work. She wasn’t functioning. She wanted him back. She wanted to know why he died so suddenly and so young, (if I recall he was in his late twenties). She wanted him to know she would never forget him, that she would always love him, and that she couldn’t wait to be with him again on the other side.
And then it happened. He told her he was very happy where he was, and although he loved her very much, he didn’t want her to stop living just because he was dead.
My client immediately grew angry. “What?!?!” she exclaimed. “He’s HAPPY he’s dead? He’s happy while I’m sitting here dying inside? He’s happy we’re not together anymore? He’s happy while I’m miserable? That son of a bitch!”
She stopped crying and started to seethe instead. “Why the heck am I sitting here crying all day, unable to eat, if he doesn’t even care?!?!”
I had to intervene so she understood a very important truth, and this is one I want you all to hear and understand.
99.99% of people who die are supremely happy once they reach the other side. Let me make this clear, they are at peace, they are back Home, they are back to Love and Source. They are in an ultimate state of bliss. They have released all their own anger, fear, sadness, grief, shame, guilt, anxiety, and in many cases physical suffering. Damn right they’re happy.
But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about their loved ones still here. They absolutely do. They care very much, but they are not sad, angry, frustrated, and bereft like you are.
And this is very important to hear as well. Dead people don’t want you to be sad. They want you to be happy. They want you to live your life. More than anything else, they don’t want their passing to cause you to stop living.
I’ve never connected with a deceased person who said, “Tell her I want to see more tears. She ain’t crying enough. And tell her she has no business going back to work yet when she really needs to buy me more candles for that nifty altar she built me.” It’s never happened.
Deceased people look upon us with a mixture of frustration and a strong desire to tell us how beautiful life can be. When you get to the other side you immediately remember how this all works. You remember that you chose to be here. You chose to play and have fun.
So back to my client… I explained a lot of this to her. “It’s not that he doesn’t care that you’re suffering, in fact he hovers around you trying to comfort you and help you understand that he’s just fine and wants you to be happy as soon as possible. He loves you very much and nothing would make him happier than if you were able to go on to have a beautiful life, get married to an awesome guy, settle down and have children. Your grief is unnecessary but he completely understands why you feel it. He simply can’t share the grief you’re feeling because he is completely fine and okay with how everything is.”
She calmed down a bit and said to me, “I never really considered any of this. I mean… if he’s okay and he’s happy, then I don’t really need to keep grieving for him. In fact, I’m relieved to know he’s doing so well. I figured he was as upset as I was.”
I said, “At first, when he first crossed over, he was confused because it was so unexpected. But his angels and guides explained everything to him and he understood and accepted it fairly quickly. He loves you, and cares about you, and always will. You will see him again. But until then, you must get back to living. You have your own adventure to play out.”
By the time we ended the call, I could tell that a large part of her grief was gone. She thought she was supposed to rail against his death, to stop until the world gave him back to her. Instead I gave her a prescription. “Talk to him and tell him about your day, but not from your bed. Talk to him while you pick up the pieces and move forward. Talk to him about the joys you still have, and the hopes and dreams you still carry. Tell him you love him but that you will eventually open your heart to meeting another man. All he wants is for you to live a happy life. Honor him by doing just that.”
So the main reason I ask people to wait at least 3 months before trying to communicate with a deceased loved one is because by that time the sting is usually gone and you’ve begun to rebuild your life without them. You’re more open to knowing that they are happy on the other side. It won’t offend you so much.
I know it’s difficult to lose someone you love. I lost my dear friend Pam more than a year ago and I think of her almost every day, missing her wise counsel, and her caring support of me. But I know she wouldn’t want me to stop living just because she is gone. I know she wants me to live my life to the fullest.
Your loved ones feel the same. Your sadness will fade with time. You’ll never forget them, and you will see them again one day. In the meantime, go make the years count. Live your life. Fully and happily.