Answer: It can be super frustrating to desire to connect with a specific deceased relative and they never seem to show up to the party.

I recall reading for a gal and her dad was coming through really strongly. He told me his name, gave her some validation, and we were off and running. My client said, “Yeah, that’s my dad. He comes to every reading. He’s around all the time.” Meanwhile, she was frustrated because she also wanted to hear from her mother who never seemed to come through.

Why do some spirits always show up and others never come? There could be several reasons.

First, the deceased person may not want to come through. For whatever reason, they may simply not desire to communicate. That doesn’t mean they hate you. That doesn’t mean they can’t come through. That doesn’t mean they aren’t watching over you. Perhaps they don’t want to interfere in the course of your life. Perhaps they trust that you can get along without their guidance or interruption.

Second, the deceased person may not be able to come through. Deceased people don’t get to the other side suddenly able to speak energetically to a living person. It takes energy and finesse to communicate with the living. Your deceased loved one may not have figured it out yet. Give them time.

Third, the deceased may have disconnected. Some people cross over and are fully engaged with their new existence in the ether. They disconnect their energy from their old life and are simply done. They turn their attention in an entirely new direction. Don’t be insulted. You’ll understand when you reach the ether yourself that sometimes you stay emotionally connected with the living and sometimes you don’t.

Fourth, the deceased may be there but no one is hearing them. Sometimes the dead are jumping up and down around us, trying to get our attention, but we don’t detect them. It’s not easy. If it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Sometimes the medium is unable to get the right frequency. Sometimes the dead person is not transmitting in a way that the medium can pick up. If the medium is very clairsentient but the dead person is transmitting in a clairvoyant way, then the medium may be unable to detect the presence of the dead person. Keep trying with different mediums, or keep trying on your own.

I know it can feel very sad if you’re trying to get closure or reconnect with a loved one and they don’t seem to be there, but you don’t want to expend so much energy trying to communicate with a deceased loved one that you stop living your own life. This is why it’s vitally important to tell your loved ones how much you love them while they are still here.

In the meantime, send love to your dearly departed. They will receive it. Take comfort in knowing they are alright and that you’ll see them again when you reach the other side.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. How can I get a deceased loved one to communicate with me?
2. Can I contact a deceased relative on my own?
3. When do deceased people slough off their personas?
4. Did my deceased friend come to visit me in my dream or not?
5. Do deceased couples stay together on the other side?
6. Why hasn’t my deceased boyfriend contacted me?
7. When You Should Consult a Medium

Answer: When I connect with a deceased person during a reading I am always connecting with the persona that my client would recognize. So if Aunt Clara is coming through for my client, I’m connecting with the personality that was Aunt Clara in life. I am not connecting with Aunt Clara’s higher self.

I have never been looking for a deceased friend or relative and was presented with a person’s higher self instead.

So when does a person slough off the persona from their previous incarnation? I believe it varies by person. Sometimes a person “hangs on” to their old life because they are still emotionally connected to their living loved ones, or they are waiting for someone, like a spouse, to die so they can move on together. At some point every spirit lets go and merges back with their higher self.

I’ll bet it’s possible for a higher self to still come through as a previous persona, but I have never had that experience with a spirit.

No medium can guarantee contact with a specific deceased person. What I’ve noticed is sometimes I’ll bring a spirit through and my client will say, “Yep, he comes through every time I do a reading with a medium.” That’s a spirit who is still connected, hovering, and hanging around their loved ones. I’ve also had situations where a certain spirit never comes through no matter how many readings a person gets with a medium, and I suspect those spirits have disconnected and moved on.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. How can I get a deceased loved one to communicate with me?
2. Do dead people know what I’m thinking?
3. Do deceased couples stay together on the other side?
4. Do deceased family members know when someone is going to die?
5. How Can Psychics Reach Deceased Relatives Who Have Reincarnated?
6. Can I contact a deceased relative on my own?
7. Can Dead People Negatively Affect Your Life?

Answer: yes, it’s possible to meet people in this life whom you knew in a past life and you recognize them but they don’t recognize you. It happens all the time. If you are very spiritually open, if you have strong intuition, and if you’re on the lookout, you will more likely remember or notice when you encounter someone whom you loved in a past life.

It’s nice when the other person remembers as well, but much of the time they do not. They may not be in tune with their intuition in this life. If you can help them open up to their spirituality, to Source, and to intuition, it’s possible they will remember or begin to feel that energetic connection that you’re feeling.

But don’t be terribly disappointed if they do not. If we were meant to remember, we would remember easily. If you can remember, consider yourself lucky and gifted. Connect and interact with your lost soul connections but don’t judge them if they can’t remember you.

Sometimes you’ll connect with someone that does remember, and it’s a fantastic feeling. It’s like reuniting with a long lost lover (or child, or parent, or good friend) from the past. Cherish the connection and feelings that come up. Chances are good you two have business to attend to in this life.

But enjoy getting to know who they are now, don’t just remember who they used to be. And just because you meet someone who was your lover in a past life doesn’t mean they intend to connect with you in the same way in this life. Let the relationship be what it wants to be. Don’t force anything or have expectations based on past connections.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. What is the point in recalling past lives?
2. Ask Erin: How do I let go of my past?
3. How a Little Intuition, and a Little Logic, Saved a Little Life
4. Soul Mates vs. Soul Connections
5. Past Lives
6. Podcast: What I Remember About the Ether
7. Celebrate Your Life Review and Experience

Answer: Having recently gone through the death of a very close friend, I can really sympathize and understand why having communication with a deceased loved one suddenly becomes a matter of great urgency.

I believe that most deceased people are trying to visit the loved ones they left behind. Sometimes they are literally standing right next to you and you can’t detect them. It’s frustrating for the dead to be so close and yet so far.

So I would say your mother is already visiting you, you’re just not detecting her. To improve your ability to detect a deceased presence, you can try one or all of these ideas.

1. Pay attention to dreams. Deceased people love to come through in dreams because your barriers are down and you’re more likely to let them in. If you can lucid dream, try connecting with them there.

2. Meditate. Meditation will help you raise your vibration which is like meeting them halfway. You’ll be more likely to detect the presence of a deceased person if your vibration is as high as possible. I’ve got a nifty meditation you can use to connect with a deceased loved on in my audio program Raising Your Vibration.

3. Channel. Sit quietly in their old bedroom, hold an object of theirs that is energetically charged. Clear your mind and focus on their energy. Daydream about them. After a few minutes you may feel their presence, or smell their favorite perfume, or hear them talking to you in your mind, or see them with your mind’s eye. Let it come. Don’t chase it.

4. Be patient. Sometimes your grief acts as a barrier for contact. So it may just be a little while until they can get through to you. Be patient but know they are there. Even famous mediums sometimes wait months or years to get contact. It took me 3-4 months before I heard from a deceased ex-boyfriend.

5. Talk to a medium. I recommend waiting at least 6 weeks before talking to a medium. But if you get a good one, it can be extremely comforting to hear from your deceased loved one so that you know they made it safely to the other side.

6. Ask others. Often it’s other people that end up getting communication from the other side even if they weren’t as energetically connected to them as you were. So ask your friends and family if they are getting communication. Even if you long for contact yourself, it should still be comforting to hear from others that your loved one is okay and still thinking about you.

P.S. Read my ebook, The Other Side, for tons of information about what happens when we die.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. Are dreams about deceased loved ones real?
2. Can I contact a deceased relative on my own?
3. How Should You Communicate With Your Spirit Guides?
4. Why hasn’t my deceased boyfriend contacted me?
5. Did my deceased friend come to visit me in my dream or not?
6. Do deceased couples stay together on the other side?
7. Does thinking about deceased relatives hold them here?

Answer: See last week’s answer about empathy and negative energy. However, I’ll take this opportunity to tell you and all the other empath’s out there that you do not have to take on other people’s negative energy. It’s not part of your job requirements.

If you can’t stay away from negatively charged people, then learn to keep yourself shielded from their negativity. This is the difference between sympathy and empathy. You can be sympathetic without having to feel their pain and suffering. You can care without being crippled. Practice this until you can maintain some energetic distance from their pain.

What you’re doing is equivalent to someone being on fire and putting your hands in the fire so you know how they feel. Get a bucket of water on them instead. Learn to help raise people’s vibrations so there is no negative energy that can stick to you.

A drowning man is not helped by you drowning with him. Learn instead how to use your gifts to be the beacon of light that pulls people out of the darkness instead of you going in there and getting swallowed by it yourself.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. How To Spot and Get Rid of an Energy Vampire
2. Can negative entities masquerade as spirit guides?
3. How To Know if You Are an Energy Vampire
4. Does the energy of your sitter affect the intuitive reading?
5. 5 Steps to Greater Empathy and Oneness
6. The Other Side ebook Release
7. Giving People Permission to Die

So in this paradigm, anything and everything in your environment affects you, some positively and some negatively. He talked about ways to reduce the negative energies and pull in more of the positive energies.

Immediately I was struck by how important it is to surround ourselves with the people, places, and things that make us feel good, and to try to remove as much of the people, places, and things that negatively impact our energy or cause us to feel bad.

For example, if you’re going to a job you hate, every single day, you’ll likely notice your energy is drained. You may even dread going to work. On the other hand, if you’re going to a job you love with coworkers you adore, you’re going to get a lot of joy and positive energy out of going to work every day. It will be an uplifting experience.

Or if you have a stagnant relationship or you’re having difficulties in your relationship you’ll start to notice that you dread coming home to your partner. That’s a drain. But if you have a super loving relationship with a super compatible person, you’ll derive great positive energy from interacting with them.

If you make a list of all the people, places, and things that impact you and then you make a quick evaluation about their effect on you, you’ll get a good idea of what’s bringing you down and what’s raising your vibration. Then you can take conscious action to improve a negative relationship or situation, or eliminate it if it can’t be altered.

When I looked at my connections, they were 90% positive. There are very few things bringing me down in life right now. Literally the biggest “bummers” in my life right now are a malfunctioning dishwasher, carpets I can’t seem to get clean, and a housekeeper that causes me more aggravation than I’d like. In the near future, I will take the steps necessary to correct these situations so I can move throughout my day without constant aggravation.

But the other aspect of the Love principle is more proactive. Who or what would you like to connect with more? Is there anything missing from your life that you’d like to add that would uplift you or raise your vibration even higher? At the workshop, we made a list of what else we’d like to attract into our lives that we know would make us feel more loved and loving.

For me, it was two things. I’d like to attract a loving relationship with a partner. It’s been 2 years since I separated from Steve and I’ve been really enjoying being single. It’s filled me with a sense of independence and freedom I can’t ever remember having. But now I feel ready to enter into a new relationship with a loving partner. So I wrote that down as something I’m ready to attract.

The second thing I wanted to attract was more involvement in providing emergency services during disasters. If you’ve been connecting with me on Facebook or through the forums, you’ll know I have a passion for emergency preparedness and being able to assist my community or individuals in times of disaster.

And so it was, on Day 2 of CGW I could not attend because I was signed up for the Red Cross Class: Chapter Response to Disaster, which is the prerequisite course I needed to take in order to be certified to respond to a disaster on behalf of the Red Cross. When I got to the classroom there were 12 other students there ready to take the course. The instructor had us introduce ourselves, our background, and share why we were taking the class. It was at this time I completely internalized and understood the power of the principle of Love.

Every single person in that room was there because they wanted to help their fellow man. Every person in there had a day job or was retired, and simply wanted to give back to their community. They were compassionate, caring, and selfless. I had never been in a room full of people so dedicated to helping others, for free, on their own time. It literally sent a wave of love chills up my back to be surrounded by others all committed to the same thing I was.

So that’s when I realized how much I’d been missing this vital connection in my life. While I sat there chatting with everyone, I realized they just got me. They completely understood my love and desire to help others, to provide comfort and relief to those suffering. I didn’t have to explain it or justify it. We were all on the same wavelength. It felt fantastic.

I felt something similar when I attended the I Can Do It conference put on by Hay House. It was like finding my tribe. I didn’t have to explain about being intuitive. Everyone there was completely comfortable with the concept. There was no explaining or defending or shying away from discussing things like chakras, astral projection, and the paranormal.

Do you surround yourself with people who plug into the aspects of your life that you care about the most? Do you have people around you who mirror, reflect, or share the passions you also have? What does it feel like?

Or are you surrounded by people who just don’t get you? How does THAT feel?

If you love the wilderness, do you go hiking with others who share that love? If you love cooking, do you surround yourself with others who love to cook and co-create something together? If you love skiing, do you belong to a ski club or group? Do you love a certain tv show? Do you have someone you can talk to after the show airs, someone who shares your passion and can talk about the characters and plot for days without getting bored?

When you bring loving connections into your life, it just makes your life better. You’re more fulfilled, you’re understood, and you get to share your passion with others who get it.

I hope you have a ton of these passionate connections. If you don’t, I urge you to try to bring them into your life. Make a list of your passions, hobbies, desires. Then figure out where or how you could connect with others who share your hobbies. You’ll be amazed at the joy it brings you, and how much more fun your life becomes.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. Soul Mates vs. Soul Connections
2. Can You Use Law of Attraction to Attract a Specific Person Into Your Life?
3. The Importance of Written Goals
4. 5 Steps to Greater Empathy and Oneness
5. Respecting Your Partner in Public
6. Tell Them Now
7. The Importance of Staff Meetings When Self-Employed

“Erin, this 30 day trial was amazing. I decided to call people on the phone instead of sending emails. I didn’t end up making 30 calls but I did end up with 17. I can’t tell you what a wonderful experience this was for me and my family and friends. At first it was hard because I wasn’t sure exactly how to explain what I was doing but eventually I found my rhythm and it was easier. Without an exception, I ended up going so deep with each person, and it gave them a chance to tell me how much they love me too. Thanks for doing the trial. I’m going to keep it in mind throughout the year!” – Maria

“Great experience here for me, Erin. I had the best reaction from my father. I’ve never really told him how much I love him, and more importantly, WHY I love him. He was so touched by what I said that he had tears streaming down his face. Then I started tearing up myself. It was crazy, but so cathartic. I haven’t had that amazing a connection with my father in decades. Thanks for doing this. It was awesome!” – John

“What a great experiment this was! I forgot some days but picked it right back up again, especially when you reminded us on facebook. The people I sent notes too were stunned. Like you, a lot of people wrote back that they were speechless. They just didn’t know how to respond. It’s interesting because I think most people expect complaints, and when they get love instead, it just sort of blows them away. I loved the experience. I definitely got as much out of it as them!” – Angela

“Loved the experiment. As I went along my notes started getting longer and longer. I really got into a groove. I was on a high each time I wrote something, and got even higher when they wrote something nice back. Way cool! You rock, Erin. Keep the love flowing!” – Markus

I also got an email from one of my readers who was attending a birthday party. The person planning the party asked each of the guests to write something about the birthday girl about what they appreciate and love about her. Then she made it into a book and presented it to the birthday girl. Imagine what a lovely and precious gift that was to know how you’ve positively impacted all your friends and family. Think about doing this for someone’s big birthday (40, 50, etc.).

Spread the love. Once a week. Once a month. Every day. Or just when the spirit moves you. What you put out into the world will come back to you a hundred-fold. When you raise people’s vibrations, it sends ripples of love and positive energy throughout the world. Makes the world a nicer place for everyone.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. 30-Day Love and Gratitude Trial
2. Tell Them Now
3. 10 Ways to Show Yourself Some Love
4. Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
5. Casting Love At People
6. But Where’s the Love?
7. They’ve Forgotten Love

To start, this has definitely been one of the most profound and transformative trials I’ve ever done. When I first got the idea to do this, I knew it would be powerful, but I didn’t know how powerful and what a shift this would create for me and, apparently, some of those who received my emails.

I decided to use email as my source of communication, but it was originally suggested in the article that you could do it in person, by phone, text, or body language. As long as your recipient felt your love and gratitude, you did it right.

I crafted my first email to my twin sister, Nicole. I told her how positively she’s impacted my life and how grateful I’ve always been to have a twin sister who I know will always have my back. By the time I was done writing out my two paragraphs, tears were sliding down my face. I sent it to her, already feeling amazing just from what I had written. Then she responded to my email with some tear-creating thoughts of her own. By the time we were done going back and forth, I was bawling. And it was good. The rest of my day was awesome.

On the second day I sent a note to my mother. I love my mother very much, but there have been times throughout the years that we’ve disagreed so vehemently on things that I lessened my contact with her to avoid arguments. Still we have a pretty good relationship. As she is getting on in years and beginning to suffer from Alzheimer’s Disease, I realized that now was the time to tell her how much she means to me, not after she’s gone! So when I wrote the email to my mother it was probably the most cathartic thing I’ve ever written. I realized that I chose my mom for one reason and one reason only… to learn love. She was an extremely loving parent to me growing up. Despite the fact that we never had healthy food or clean clothes (not her strong points!) I realized all of a sudden that none of that mattered. She gave me exactly what I needed most. Love. And suddenly I was able to forgive her for all the things I thought she “should have” done and became simply grateful to have had such a loving parent growing up. She was beyond tears when she called me to thank me for my letter. I have a lot more patience for my mother now. Our relationship was completely transformed with that one expression of love and gratitude.

On day three my father got his email. He wrote back, “I couldn’t read your letter to the end because of all the tears in my eyes. Your mom had to read it to me.” I told my father how dearly I love and appreciate him and how wise I think he is. I thanked him for all the loving time and attention he gave me growing up and how special I always felt to be his daughter. Again I went through a transformative experience just acknowledging the gifts he’s given me throughout the years.

Day four was for my brother, someone I don’t communicate with a whole lot as our lives are just very different. He was completely stunned by the sentiments I sent him, and it connected us in a way that I never thought would happen.

I was on a roll and loving the trial! I spent the next several weeks sending these love and gratitude notes to friends and other family members. Each and every time as I wrote, my eyes would tear up. I started to realize how many truly awesome people are in my life and how each one has given me a gift.

The responses I got back were heartfelt, and surprisingly similar. “I’m speechless” was common. And several people told me they were so moved by what I wrote that they were going to keep the email and re-read it whenever they felt down. One of my friends told me that when I told her how I see her, it finally gave her permission to see herself that way too. She had suspected she was a certain way and she suspected she was having a certain impact, but when I shared it with her it gave her some validation that it wasn’t all in her head.

I encouraged everyone to pay it forward and send a love and gratitude note to someone in their life. A lot of people expressed to me that their vibration was raised the entire day after they received my note. That was definitely part of my intention and what I suspected might happen when I thought up the trial.

I think the most profound thing I learned from doing this trial was that we shouldn’t wait to tell people how they’ve positively impacted our lives. Often we wait until we are giving a eulogy to talk so positively about a person, but how about we tell them now when it will do even more good?!

Tell them now!

Connect with all the people you have in your life today or from the past, and tell them why you are grateful. Tell them how much and why you love them. It’s an amazing gift to give and to receive.

To tell someone that they are loved and that you are grateful to have them in your life is priceless. To tell someone how they’ve positively impacted your life is immeasurable.

Don’t wait until they’re gone.

Tell them now.

P.S. Since today is the last day of the trial, I want to thank each and every one of you who support my work. I appreciate all of you! Thank you for letting me express my thoughts to you. Thank you for guiding my articles with your questions and desires. Thank you for trusting me, letting me help you, and for being there for me when I have my own challenges. I could never have hoped to have so many people appreciate my work and support what I do. I am grateful to have the opportunity to impact so many lives, and I will continue to do this work with the wisdom and insight my own guides give me. In love and light… Erin.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. 30-Day Love and Gratitude Trial
2. Remember To Give Thanks
3. You Must Have God In You
4. 10 Ways to Show Yourself Some Love
5. My Friend the Murderer
6. 6 Ways to Raise Someone Else’s Vibration
7. Holiday Wishes

I’ve done countless readings for people who are at a standstill in their relationship because each partner wants to move in a different direction, but neither partner wants to give up their path to walk their partner’s path. What should you do?

When a couple gets to a place where their life goals are incompatible, many people try to preserve the relationship above all else. “We made a commitment. Through thick and thin. Sacrifice and compromise are just part of any relationship.” Sacrifice and compromise are only part of a relationship if you decide that the commitment to the relationship is more important than your commitment to yourself to be happy.

You have a right to be happy. Loyalty and commitment are great things, but not at the sacrifice of your own happiness.

People’s paths diverge often. Let’s use a metaphor to see what’s happening here.

The Forest of Life

You’re walking through the forest of life and you’re holding a map. On this map, you’ve circled a destination that’s fairly far off. But no worries, you are enjoying the scenery and know you’ll get to your destination in time. While walking, you notice other people seem to be walking the same trail with you. You pair up and walk together, enjoying each other’s company as you walk. You casually mention your destination and your walking partner mentions his is the same. What fun to have company on the road!

So you walk together, meandering, enjoying the landscape. You stop sometimes to camp, get your strength back, and replenish supplies. So far, so good. Occasionally your partner wants to stop and you still have energy to keep going, but you like walking with this person so much that you agree to stop more often than you would if you were alone. You don’t want to leave them behind.

After a while you check in with each other to make sure you’re still heading in the same direction. Yep! So you keep walking together. Maybe you even make a commitment to each other to stick together on the trail no matter what. Feels good to know someone will always be with you, watching your back.

There comes a day, however, when you start rethinking your destination. Back when you started walking through the forest you were pretty sure about your destination, but now that you’ve been walking for a while and you’ve seen so many different paths, you start to wonder if perhaps there’s a different destination you’d like to have. You tentatively mention to your partner that you’re wondering now if the destination should be changed. Your partner is still committed to the destination and wants to keep going. You agree to keep going.

But as you continue walking you’re getting a strong feeling that you should select a new destination. You don’t want to disappoint your partner and you certainly don’t want to walk alone now that you’ve gotten used to walking together, so you try in little and subtle ways to get your partner to start thinking about other destinations. Your partner feels manipulated and worried. So you stop talking about it.

You start to slow down. You camp longer. Every day you walk is taking you closer to a destination you don’t want to go to, so you start dragging your heels a little. You need time to think. Your partner doesn’t understand why you aren’t walking energetically anymore. You start to argue and are irritated with each other more often. Something isn’t right anymore.

Finally you just tell your partner that you no longer wish to reach your original destination and you feel you must go in a new direction. You stop walking and start really discussing the situation. You try to get your partner excited about the new destination you’ve picked but your partner still wants to go to the original destination circled on your map. You are at an impasse.

Your Four Options

First, you can decide that having someone to walk with is more important than reaching your desired destination, so you give up your own destination and continue to walk with your partner to the original destination. The downside is that this can breed resentment. Why is your partner’s destination more important than yours? The upside is that you will always have a loyal partner to watch your back and take care of you if you slip and fall.

Second, you can decide to leave your partner and follow your own path even if it means you might have to walk alone. The downside is that you may feel lonely and sad, and be scared about being alone in an emergency. The upside is that you may meet someone else who is heading to your new destination that you can walk with who shares your excitement for the new destination.

Third, you can stand still on the path and argue with your partner about whose destination is the “right” one. The downside is that neither of you reaches your destination when you stop walking through the forest. The upside is that there is hope that your partner will “see reason” and is willing to try a new destination eventually. In the meantime, neither of you are wasting energy going in the “wrong” direction because neither of you is moving anymore.

Fourth, you could decide, if it’s feasible, to hit both desired destinations. First you go to the original destination together and hang there for a while, then you both agree to go to the new destination and hang there for a while, and then see where you may want to go next. The downside to this is that you have to go somewhere you don’t really want to go anymore, and there’s no guarantee your partner will decide to leave the original destination once you get there, which means you may still end up walking alone and now it’s going to take even longer to get to your new destination. The upside is that you get to continue walking with your beloved partner and are on the same path once again, both of you getting to go to your desired destinations.

Which option do you choose?

It all depends on what’s more important to you. Security or freedom? Commitment to your relationship or commitment to yourself? Loyalty or independence?

No one can make this decision for you, and there is no right or wrong answer. It’s a choice you have to make for yourself, and then you have to live with the consequences.

If you decide to give up your destination to walk to your partner’s then don’t be resentful of the choice you made. Embrace the camaraderie and companionship you’re creating, and remember that you value the companionship more than the destination.

If you decide to leave your partner and walk your own path, then don’t feel guilty about choosing the path that you believe will make you happy. Let your partner go with love. You both have a right to be happy. Be open to finding new walking partners when you’re ready.

If you decide to stand still while you figure it out, don’t stay there too long. Don’t hold your partner back from reaching their destination. That’s not fair. At some point you need to get up and get moving again, even if that means separating.

And if you decide to try to hit both destinations, don’t be surprised or resentful if your partner decides to stay at the original destination while you go on to yours alone. You need to know that if you give up your path to walk someone else’s, that they may not decide to walk yours with you later. It’s a risk you must take with your eyes wide open. No one forced you to leave your own path. Take responsibility for your choice.

In the end, you are completely responsible for your experience. When you were handed the map of the forest of life you began making choices that would lead you in certain directions. Along the way you had many opportunities and options. You are where you are now because of every choice you made. If you don’t like where you are, make different choices and go a different way.

While you are on the path you will encounter thousands of other people walking. Some may walk with you for a time. Some you may never interact with. And maybe there will be one partner with whom you can happily share your entire journey. If you find such a person, hold on to them. And if you never do, remember that you can still enjoy your journey if you’re just walking with yourself.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. How to Pick Between Two Paths
2. Can you read for me and my wife together?
3. Ask Erin: Is it okay to leave people behind when you grow?
4. How to Create Your Soul Mate
5. Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
6. Are You Walking Your Own Path?
7. Honoring the Tears

So I was thinking about this the other day because people send me emails all the time expressing love and gratitude to me for the work I do, the articles I write, or the readings I’ve given them. And it occurred to me that the power of love and gratitude is so awesome that we really should get in the habit of expressing love and gratitude to the people in our lives as much as possible. I want to make this a habit. So I’ve decided to do a 30-Day Love and Gratitude Trial, and I’d love for you to join me.

For the next 30 days we’re going to express love and/or gratitude to one person each day. The medium doesn’t matter. You could do it by phone, in person, email, text, body language, morse code, or even smoke signals. The trick is you must do it consciously and sincerely.

If you’d like, you can make a list of 30 people you’re going to do this with, or you can just decide each morning. Think about how this person contributes to your life and how much you love them. Then communicate that love, appreciation, gratitude, and affection to them directly. If you can’t think of 30 people, it’s okay to duplicate people along the way, but I think you can find 30 people in the world who deserve your love and gratitude. Besides the usual suspects (family, friends, co-workers) you could include bloggers, authors, your masseuse, your postal worker, the lady at the grocery store that you see week after week, your spirit guides, angels, higher self, God. You could even send a note to yourself!

It doesn’t have to take long. You could write a short one-line email, or a simple text. Or you could craft an entire letter to them. Whatever moves you. Just really give some thought to how this person affects your life positively and thank them for it. You will be utterly amazed at what happens to you for sending it and what happens to them when they receive it.

On August 31, I’ll check in with you to see how you did and what you learned. And I’ll post some of the stories, so please feel free to submit them to me using my contact form.

Are you ready to have a ripple effect? Are you ready to put positive energy into the lives of others? Are you in?

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. 10 Ways to Show Yourself Some Love
2. Remember To Give Thanks
3. Casting Love At People
4. They’ve Forgotten Love
5. Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
6. But Where’s the Love?
7. 30-Day Raw Trial Post Mortem

Now, with that said, I do believe that we sometimes make contracts before we incarnate so that certain people will come into our lives to assist, support, and love us, but they don’t have to be a significant other, a partner, a spouse, or lover. They could be a friend, co-worker, child, sister-in-law, etc. And I also believe that while our spirit guides nudge those people towards our lives, there is still no guarantee that a connection will actually be made.

When we incarnate we are gifted with free will. This means our decisions and actions are not predestined but rather the result of our thoughts and the actions we take. Basically, you can do whatever you want, but you have to accept the consequences of your actions. Likewise, you are free to choose a partner who resonates with your current desires. You are free to attract into your life exactly what you want. So I say, you can “create” your soul mate; you can target what you want and go get it.

If you want to attract love into your life, here are my steps for creating the soul mate you desire right now.

Figure out who you are
Knowing yourself is the first step towards knowing what you want in a partner. What is your love strategy? How do you like to be loved? Do you like to travel, or are you a homebody? Do you like to go out on weekends and party, or do you like to snuggle up and watch a movie? Are you honest, kind, compassionate, considerate, and caring? Or are you rugged and ruthless? Are you dominant or submissive or both? Are you passionate and highly sexual or can you go a month without sex? Do you want children?

If you don’t know who you are, you won’t know if the person you attract will be a good fit for you. Get to know yourself. Think of yourself as a puzzle piece. It’s not enough to just go out and find a puzzle piece that looks good, you also want to make sure it’s going to fit your piece as well.

Figure out what you want
Once you know who you are, it’s time to decide what you want. Make a list of the most important attributes, character qualities, and personality traits you’d like in a partner.

Examples:

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. Do you believe in Soul Mates?
2. Soul Mates vs. Soul Connections
3. Can you sell your soul to the devil?
4. Are You Trading Your Soul for a Paycheck?
5. Can a picture really steal your soul?
6. How to Find or Create a Psychic Development Circle
7. Are You Walking Your Own Path?

He was highly social, a life-of-the-party kind of guy. He was moderately good looking but not drop dead gorgeous. He carried a little extra weight around his mid-section but was also muscular. He sort of reminded me of a young Captain Kirk.

We often ended up at the same parties, and I continued to watch him move around and interact with people. I wasn’t sure if he ever felt rejected, but if he did, he didn’t show it. So one day some friends and I were over at his house just hanging out and I decided to find out if his confidence was all an act. At the time, I was suffering from social anxiety and really low self-esteem, and I wanted to improve in this area so I figured I would learn from someone who had seemingly mastered it.

Here is roughly how our conversation went:

Erin: Adam, you seem to have really good self-esteem.

Adam: What do you mean?

Erin: Well, I’ve seen you at parties and you just walk up to girls and ask them to dance or ask them out on dates, and even when they say “no” you just keep right on going to the next girl.

Adam: (shrugging) Yeah. Why would I stop just because someone said “no?”

Erin: But don’t you feel rejected? Don’t you wonder why they didn’t want to dance with you or go out with you? Don’t you worry that there’s something wrong with you?

Adam: Ah, I see your problem. Let me explain my philosophy. I approach girls I’m interested in spending time with. If they don’t want to dance or date me, I assume there’s a situation or circumstance on their end that makes my offer unwelcome. I don’t take it personally.

Erin: You mean, you don’t assume it’s because there’s something wrong with you?

Adam: No, there could be a lot of reasons a girl says “no” to me. Maybe she’s tired, she has a boyfriend, she’s busy chatting with her girlfriends and doesn’t want to be bothered, her feet hurt, she doesn’t want to drink, etc. I never assume it’s because there’s anything wrong with ME. In the absence of direct evidence, why would I assume there’s something wrong with ME? The way I look at it, she’s not saying no to ME, she’s saying no to my question. There’s a difference.

Erin: What if she tells you she thinks you’re a troll or ugly or disgusting?

Adam: Then I assume she has a distorted view of reality and I probably wouldn’t want to date her anyway. If she’s that critical and harsh, then I’m glad to have weeded her out before dating her.

Erin: So you never get rejected?

Adam: I get rejected all the time, it just doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I never take it personally. I take it as a sign of incompatibility and move on until I find something I can connect with. I don’t invest my entire sense of self-worth in getting one single girl to go out with me. That would be silly. There’s no way that every girl on the planet will be a match for me. So I’ll keep going until I find someone I connect with who wants to connect with me.

I remember having a huge shift in my thinking after our conversation, and I realized that rejection is about beliefs. You can adopt the belief that if someone rejects you then it means there’s something wrong with you. Or you can adopt the more empowering belief that if someone rejects you then it means they’re rejecting the situation, not you.

In the absence of direct evidence to the contrary, why not assume the rejection was based on circumstance, instead of on you?

What if you adopted the belief that rejection is a blessing? After all, rejection helps you quickly weed out people or circumstances that are not a vibrational match for you. It’s easier to move on when you are not stuck wondering what you need to change in order to get approval from someone with whom you’re not really a match. Check them off your list and move on to the next person or circumstance.

Don’t chase approval. Be who you are, be confident in yourself, and go out and find the people and circumstances that are a match for you!

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. See a Penny, Pick It Up
2. Do spirit guides arrange relationships?
3. Can You Use Law of Attraction to Attract a Specific Person Into Your Life?
4. To Thine Own Self Be True
5. Some Good Weekend Reading
6. Choosing Our Emotions

How can you love others if you don’t love yourself first? You can’t give what you don’t have. I know so many beautiful, loving people who give so much to others but suffer silently because they are not receiving love back. If you can learn to love yourself, and proactively show yourself some love, you will have a rich and renewable resource with which to love others.

Here then are 10 ways you can show yourself some love.

Just Say No
Learn how to say no to people, even people you love. It’s not loving if you agree to do something you don’t want to do just to make someone else happy. Instead find something you can do with or for someone that makes you both happy.

I’ll share a recent example of this in my own life. I bought a ticket to a toastmaster contest and event and encouraged a toastmaster friend of mine to go to the event as well. He initially said he would go, but I sensed a hesitancy in him. As the event approached I found out he hadn’t bought his ticket yet and was going to pay at the door, which would cost him $50 more than if he’d bought the ticket in advance. He said, “I’m only going to this thing for you.” So I told him in no uncertain terms to please not do that. It seems loving on the surface, but knowing he only went to make me happy would not have made me happy at all. I told him not to come and that I’d be fine with all my other toastmaster friends who wanted to attend. Instead I suggested we do lunch or go hiking, two things that we both enjoy.

Go through your friendships and relationships and get clear on how you like to show love to those people. Don’t agree to do something you don’t want to do. It’s no fun for either of you. Find the areas you both enjoy and engage in those activities together.

Guard Your Energy
Every day that you wake up in your bed you have a chance to make it a good day or a bad day by your decisions and actions. As you go through your day, sometimes events will happen outside your control. Only you can decide how you will let the events affect you. You can choose your emotions, you can choose the meanings you assign to events, and you can choose your reactions. Guard your energy, because as soon as you start feeling down or low vibrational it will affect not just you but everyone around you. To show love to yourself, choose positive emotions and reactions to everything life throws at you. If you are completely knocked off your feet, lean on your friends for support. Then get back in the game with a reframe and move forward. Sometimes we do need friends to lift us back up, but you can work on learning to reframe experiences as they happen so that you are not knocked down so often.

Carve Out Me-Time
I know you’re busy, there’s lots to do every day. And I know a lot of people who spend most of their day assisting others, whether personally or professionally. It’s vital to restore, recharge, and repair yourself each day, and sometimes the only way to get some me-time is to carve it out in stone! Even 15 minutes a day completely to yourself, with no other obligations, can be enough to recharge. Sit and read a magazine and have a cup of tea. Take a bath, or a long hot shower. Take a walk or sit in nature. Turn off your cell phone and leave the laptop behind. Don’t answer the phone, and don’t respond to requests for help. Be vigilant about your me-time. Let nothing and no one disturb you. If you’ve never carved out time for yourself, you’ll be amazed at what happens when you start doing it. It’s like putting fresh batteries in your body. You come back restored and replenished and ready to give some more.

When my kids were young I spent a lot of time attending to their needs, and I felt myself becoming energetically depleted and sometimes frustrated and angry. My fuse became very short. So I started taking every Saturday morning to go have lunch with a friend. I noticed that when I got home, I was ready and raring to see my kids again, totally restored and recharged and ready to be a great mom. Sometimes to love others more, you have to step back and love yourself first.

Use Your Love Strategy On Yourself
What makes you feel loved? Gary Chapman wrote a fantastic series of books related to the five love languages that I … well, love! What is your love strategy?

Words of praise: You like it when someone pays you a compliment or tells you how great you’re doing.

Physical affection: You like it when someone gives you a hug when you feel down, and you like physical affection from a partner or spouse to show you that you are lovable.

Gifts: When someone gives you a gift you feel loved, like when you get flowers or a token of affection.

Acts of service: When someone does something for you, you feel loved, like when your spouse takes out the garbage or picks up the kids even when it’s your job to do so.

Quality time: You like it when someone spends a lot of time with you, like taking a long walk or listening to you talk for hours, or going on a long vacation with you.

Now, determine your love strategy and give it to yourself! In the same order as above, try these ideas:

Words of praise: Pay yourself a compliment. Write yourself a love letter telling yourself what you love about you. Write “You are lovable” on your mirror and read it every morning, out loud, five times.

Physical affection: Get a massage, hug yourself, or make your bed the most luxuriously snuggly place you can imagine. Get slippers. Go plush.

Gifts: Give yourself a gift. A small trinket, a piece of jewelry, a foot massager for under your desk. Send yourself flowers every week. Be your own gift-giver. After all, you know what you like, so no guess work or returns involved.

Acts of service: Go to a restaurant and let someone else cook for you. Hire a cleaning service to clean your house so you don’t have to. Pay someone to run errands for you. You can actually give yourself acts of service as odd as that sounds.

Quality time: Spend quality time with yourself. Mark off an entire afternoon to engage in an activity you love. Go to lunch and a movie. Take a long walk on the beach. Sit in the park and read a book.

Actively love yourself using the same strategy you have with others.

Do What You Love
One of the greatest ways to love yourself is to make sure that you are spending your days doing what you love, whether that’s professionally or personally. When you go to a job you hate, your negative energy exudes out into your office environment and affects others. When you go to a job you love, your positive energy washes over others and they end up having a better day. I’m sure you’ve seen this in action yourself. You owe it to yourself and to others to do what you love, and to do what makes you happy.

The same is true for your evenings and weekends. If you’re at a job you hate all day and you come home grumpy and depressed, that’s no fun for your family. Likewise if you’re a stay-at-home parent and you’d rather be working, you’re injecting a lot of negative energy into the home. One of the greatest gifts you can give your family, friends, and co-workers is to love yourself enough to insist that your day is spent doing something you love and that makes you happy.

Forgive Others
Holding a grudge or carrying anger and resentment towards others only burdens you. Every morning you have to pick up that grudge again and carry it around with you all day. You have to send hateful thoughts to other people. It’s like putting poison in a cup and sending it to your enemy hoping they will receive and drink it. Why not just decide to forgive? Tomorrow morning, instead of picking up that grudge, pick up a cup of forgiveness and drink it. Let it go. Give it up. Let them be. Move on. Concentrate on your own life and your own future, and leave the past in the past. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Whatever was done to you, decide you learned a valuable lesson, and move forward. If you need to extract some meaning from the experience, help other people who may have been hurt in a similar way.

Reward Yourself
This is one of my favorite ways to show myself some love. Indulge in a reward. Do you reward yourself for a job well done? How about a life well lived? Go on, reward yourself. Sometimes after I finish a huge project, release a product, or complete a training, I take a day off and go to the spa. I get a massage and soak in the Jacuzzi for hours. Other times I reward myself with a new book, or a night out, or a nice meal at a fancy restaurant.

Keep a list of rewards, and as you tackle new challenges in your life, attach a reward to completing one. It’s guilt-free and you’re worth it! Indulge.

Plant a Tree in Your Soul
Sometimes loving yourself means taking the time to plant a seed that won’t bear fruit for years. Love yourself enough to make a long term plan that will ensure your happiness. I know people who worked intensely for 10 years to make enough money to be financially independent by age 35 and never have to work again in their lives. Those 10 years were brutal, by their own account, but worth it to have financial freedom so young.

If you’re in a job or relationship you hate, or your health isn’t what you want it to be, make a plan change it. Then start taking actions today that will get you where you want to be tomorrow. Tune in to what your heart really desires. How do you really want to spend your life? Then make a plan to transition. Plant a little tree in your soul, water it, and let it grow. One day you’ll use that tree to climb out of your current situation. Be patient, but start now.

Keep a Journal
Journaling is a great way to show yourself some love. It’s like having a deep conversation with yourself, and it’s on paper so you can look back on it later to see where you were and how far you’ve come. Grab a blank book or an online journaling program and start writing down your thoughts, fears, feelings, and successes. A journal is a great place to vent when you are angry and have no one else to vent to. Share your feelings, and release your burdens.

Be Grateful
Gratitude is a super high vibration. When you are in a state of gratitude and feeling blessed you become more resourceful than you can imagine. Use your journal or just grab a piece of paper each morning and write down 10 things for which you are grateful. Part of my audio program, Raising Your Vibration, contains a 10 minute gratitude meditation, which can be done every evening. Being in a state of gratitude restores and resets you. Gratitude helps you show love to yourself and to others.

***

What are some other ways you show yourself some love? Come up with your own methods, and use them often. The more you’re willing to show yourself some love, the more love you will have to give to others. It’s a win-win for everyone!

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. 6 Ways to Raise Someone Else’s Vibration
2. Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
3. Casting Love At People
4. They’ve Forgotten Love
5. But Where’s the Love?
6. Getting Back to Love
7. 5 Good Ways to Ground Yourself

Then the dust settles and you can breathe again. Sometimes only short gasping breaths, but you’re breathing nonetheless. As time goes by, the pain lessens, and maybe you even start to remember the good times. Maybe you even start to wonder why you broke up or start to think about getting back together with your ex. Sometimes that works, but most of the time it doesn’t.

Is there a way to get over an ex faster though?

To answer that, we have to go back to the beginning of a relationship. When you let someone into your heart, you create an energetic bond with them. As your heart opens, their energy mingles with yours until you are one big swirling ball of love energy. You make your friends sick with all the love you’re spewing. It’s fun, it’s awesome. You get closer still, and now your partner’s energy is setting up residence in your heart. It’s like you gave them a drawer in your dresser, or space in your closet for their things. You’re attached.

What’s actually happening energetically is that you’re building a cord of energy between the two of you. You have cords of energy between you and all the people you let into your life (friends, relatives, co-workers, etc.), but the strongest cord is usually between you and your partner. It’s built on love, experiences, shared dreams, future plans, etc.

So what happens when you break up? Energetically the cord can rip and tear. A disruption occurs. The love energy that used to flow back and forth between you is now dis-eased, poisoned, angry, upset, sad. And that cord continues to pump energy into you. Where once it was good, now it doesn’t feel good at all. When you’re ready to let go of your ex energetically, there are ways you can do it so it won’t hurt so bad.

First, you’ve got to gently lift that cord up and out of your energetic body and let it fall gently to the floor, in peace and love, for your own good, and for the highest good of all. To do this, repeat this mantra, or use it as an example to create your own.

“I release your energy from mine. I send you peace, love, and compassion. I appreciate the love we shared, but now it’s time to let you go. I wish you well.”

Then literally imagine you are lifting a cord up and out of your heart and let it waft gently to the ground. This will release you from their energy so it doesn’t continue to negatively affect you. If your ex wants to keep pumping hatred, blame or anger through the cord, it will no longer be anchored in you, and that’s his or her choice to keep doing that if desired.

You may need to do this several times until you really feel released from your ex’s energy.

Most people try to rip the cord from their body, leaving pieces behind like angry shrapnel that continues to poison you over the years. It’s far better to take the “arrow” out clean without leaving the barbs behind.

When you release the energetic cord between you, you may feel like there’s a gaping hole in your heart. To close the wound, use this mantra (or create your own similar mantra):

“I am whole and complete within myself. I am worthy of being loved for who I truly am. I am always connected to Divine Love. I feel the love around me, and remember that I am never truly alone.”

While you’re saying this mantra, imagine a beautiful, pure white light coming into your body and filling you with Divine Love.

Spending time with friends who can remind you of your greatness is good. Reconnecting with your higher self to remember who you really are and how whole you really are, is good too.

Another method you can use is to imagine having a conversation with your ex the way you WANT it go, not the way you EXPECT it would go. Have a loving, peaceful conversation where you let go with love and understanding. That will create energetic ripples that will impact your ex with love and forgiveness on an ethereal level. It will help you both, especially if you’re still energetically attached by your cords.

If you don’t do any work consciously to release the energetic cords between you, they will eventually erode and wither in time. But they can still remain stuck inside you, with no pulse, dragging along behind you, crowding out room for others to make new connections with you, and subtly keeping you anchored in the past. It’s better to clean out all the cords that no longer serve your highest good. This works for friends, relatives, and co-workers too, not just exes. Think about everyone in your life for whom you still carry a grudge or for whom you can’t forgive. Find their cords in your body and lift them up and out, letting them fall gently to the ground.

You’ll feel lighter. You’ll feel better. Time does heal all wounds, but you can help that along by cleaning the wound and covering it with a bandage. And a little chocolate doesn’t hurt either.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. Pinpricks of Light
2. The Dangers of Astral Projection
3. Are there any spiritual consequences to cremation?
4. Astral Projection: The Basics Explained

Submit your own question
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This week’s question comes from Jan. She asks:

“How can I say no to needy family members?”

Here is the transcription of the video:

Hello and welcome to another episode of “Ask Erin Pavlina.” Today’s question comes from Jan. She writes, “If there are friends and family members that you know you should stay away from but you don’t want to abandon them, especially in their time of need, how do you go about doing this without feeling guilty or disloyalty?”

Well, Jan, I’m sure that you’re not alone in being in this situation where you may have family or even a friend who is very needy and you feel a sense of loyalty to them and a desire to help them. But you know if you do so you may lose some of your own energy or you may be in such a negative situation that it starts to impact you.

So, I would say you need to set a boundary. You need to decide exactly in what way you will help or not help this person. You must decide your boundaries. Decide in advance what you’re willing to do and not do for this person. Then, if you’re able to, and you feel comfortable, I would convey your boundary to the person in question. Let them know what you’re willing to do and what not willing to do, so that they’re clear. So that there are no surprises.

If you’re not in a situation where you feel comfortable expressing this boundary, you can still have a boundary, even if you’re not expressing it. So, I would say get very clear on what you’re willing to do and stick to your guns. If you don’t, what’s going to happen? Your energy is going to be siphoned and drained and your vibration is going to be lowered every time you interact with this person. So you owe it to yourself to keep your energy high – to keep your vibration high – so that you are not drained.

I’m sure there are other people in your life who need you as well and you need you. So you need to spend some time getting clear on all of your boundaries in all of your relationships. Make sure you’re putting yourself first and the people you love second and just be very, very clear about what you’re willing to do. So, good luck with that. We’re all in that situation. We all have somebody and it isn’t easy, but you need to be able to set that clear boundary and say no when you need to. It’s for your own health and for your own good. Great question, thank you for sending that in.

© 2006-2011 by Erin Pavlina.

Related posts:

1. Do deceased family members know when someone is going to die?
2. Can you give psychic readings to your family and friends without bias?
3. Vegan Family Favorites Now an Ebook
4. Vegan Family Favorites Super Clearance Sale
5. Vegan Family Favorites Blowout Sale
6. Do We Choose Our Children?
7. How should we talk to our spirit guides?