I really liked Torey.  He was this huge guy, probably 6’4”, muscular build, he was even sporting facial hair, which back then made him look much older than a high school student.  Many people in school called him a Dumb Giant and referred to him often as The Beast, but I saw a gentleness in Torey that belied his size.  We would talk often during class and pass notes to each other, and I remember sensing a great deal of sadness in Torey.  When I asked him what was wrong he never told me, but I knew he was haunted emotionally in some way.  Torey came to really like me and was really protective of me. If I ever had a problem with someone, Torey would go tell that person to leave me alone and I never had a problem with that person again.  He always had my back.  I felt completely safe around Torey.

Matt was a different story.  He was thin, wiry, and exuded a sleazy energy.  I didn’t like talking to him, sitting next to him, or interacting with him in any way.  He was arrogant, aggressive, and conniving.  Just a bad vibe all the way around.  I was glad he didn’t sit behind me because he gave me the creeps and I wouldn’t have been able to concentrate knowing he was staring at me during class.

What I didn’t know about either of these guys, however, was that by the end of 10th grade, both of them would be on trial for pre-meditated, first degree murder.

It happened a few months before the end of the school term.  Both Torey and Matt were absent for 5 days in a row.  I knew they sometimes ditched class, but not that many in a row.  Then I started hearing rumors that Torey and Matt had murdered someone and were evading police.  No.  Just a silly rumor started by stupid high school kids with nothing better to do than gossip.  Then I saw it on the news and couldn’t deny it was real any longer.  Torey and Matt had been arrested for the murder of Torey’s mother.  I was in shock.  Complete and utter shock!  It didn’t seem possible.  It took a while, but I eventually got the entire story.

During his entire childhood, Torey was the victim of physical and emotional abuse by his mother.  His mom was single, abused drugs and alcohol, and often sold herself to men for money.  Sometimes when Torey was a little boy, his mother would lock him in the car while she went into bars to pick up men who would pay her for sex, or who would accept sex in exchange for drugs.  Torey sometimes sat in the backseat while his mom had sex in the front seat with her men.  Even though Torey grew to a great size, he was completely cowed by his mother’s power over him. 

Torey had a little brother who was 8 years old at the time of the murder.  Torey loved his little brother desperately and often took beatings for him so the kid wouldn’t have to suffer like he had at that age.  There was no question that Torey was wrecked emotionally.  It didn’t matter that he could easily overpower his mother.  She had his spirit licked and broken.

Matt apparently knew about all the abuse and told Torey he should take matters into his own hands.  Torey revealed that his mother was planning to kick him out of the house when he turned 18, and that scared him because he would then be unable to protect his little brother.  Matt suggested to Torey that they kill Torey’s mom and try to make it look like an accident.  In desperation, Torey went along with the idea.  Their plan was to choke Torey’s mom in the middle of the night, put her in her car, send it down an embankment, and make sure it caught on fire, so the body would show no evidence of how she really died.  But they ran into some difficulty.

The night of the murder, Matt and Torey went into his mother’s room in the middle of the night.  Matt held a pillow over her face, while Torey climbed on top of her and wrapped his big hands around her neck and started choking her.  They did this for a while before she went limp.  Unbeknownst to them, she was only unconscious, not dead.  While they were preparing to get the body into the car, she woke up and started screaming bloody murder.  This woke Torey’s little brother who came to see what was going on.  Matt subdued the 8-year-old boy and tied him up with ropes and gagged him.  Meanwhile, Torey tackled his mother.  Matt ran and got a shovel from the fireplace and they used it to club her over the head until she was dead.  Brutal!

They put the mother’s body into her car, wrapped in the bloody sheets from the bed.  Their plan was for one of them to drive to the embankment while the other followed in another car.  Then they would push the car over the side, make sure it caught fire, and go home in the other car.  That was the plan before, but they quickly realized they had a little problem.  What to do with the little brother?  Matt said they had to kill him too since he was a witness.  That’s when Torey put his foot down and said that no way was he going to allow his little brother to be killed.  But Matt insisted it was the only way to keep them out of jail.  Torey put his protesting little brother into the trunk while Matt prepared the mother’s body.  Torey loosened the ropes that bound his kid brother and made sure the trunk wasn’t closed all the way.  He explained to the frightened child to wait until they pushed the car over the edge of the hill, then to climb out before it caught fire and hide in the brush until they were gone.  Thankfully, the terrified child somehow managed to escape and do just that.

Torey and Matt were caught by the police when the little brother told the cops everything he knew.  Torey and Matt were arrested quickly.  Torey was 17 but it was decided that since it was a pre-meditated murder, he would be tried as an adult.  Matt was 16 and was tried as a minor.  Matt turned on Torey and gave evidence against him in exchange for a much lighter sentence of 2 years in a Juvenile Detention Center.  It was found out later that Matt wasn’t even who he said he was.  He was already a wanted criminal in other states and had adopted an entirely new identity when he came to my high school.  After a lengthy trial where Torey’s little brother testified to the abuse and also testified to the fact that Torey killed his mother, Torey was given a sentence of 25 years to life in a maximum security prison.  He escaped the death penalty only because he saved his little brother from certain death.

I remember feeling like all of this was terribly wrong.  Yeah, he brutally murdered his mother and deserved to go to jail for that.  But Matt got off way too easy.  Torey wasn’t some hardened violent criminal who needed to be locked up for the good of society.  He was trying to rescue his little brother from an abusive life.  But he made a deal with the devil, and made a really bad choice, all because of Matt’s encouragement and planning.  If Torey had opened up to someone else, things could have gone differently.  I was sad for Torey.

After his arrest, Torey was spurned by everyone at school.  Only I and one other friend felt Torey didn’t deserve the severity of his punishment.  They just didn’t know him like we knew him.  My friend told me we were allowed to write to Torey and send him gifts, so we immediately sent him letters, books, and sweet treats to help him endure jail.  He wrote back to us often and told us the entire story of what happened, which is why I know so many of the details. He told us he was getting along okay in jail because he was a pretty big guy and most people assumed he was tough because he was in jail for pre-meditated murder so they left him alone.

The oddest thing about Torey was how happy he was.  He told us he finally felt free (ironically), because his mother couldn’t hurt him anymore.  And he was extremely happy that his brother had gotten away from the car and wouldn’t have to endure the abuse he suffered as a child.  To protect his brother, he killed his mother.  It was a sad story all the way around.

My friend and I continued to write to Torey and send him anything and everything we could think of to make his incarceration more bearable.  Torey was grateful for every communication and gift we sent him.  I remember him joking that he was glad he wouldn’t have to take the Geometry final. 

In class there were two empty seats: one in front of me and one behind me.  I remember people asking me questions like, “Are you freaked out that you were sitting between two murders for months?  Torey could have stabbed you in the back just for the hell of it!”

No.  They didn’t understand Torey.  But I did.  A lost, broken soul, doing everything he could to protect his baby brother from harm.  The murder was the decision of a desperate person.  I don’t think he deserves to spend the rest of his life in jail.  I believe true justice was lost in the letter of the law in Torey’s case.

I sometimes think of Torey and wonder how he’s getting along, if being in jail has hardened his gentle soul.  While I’ve gone on to have a wonderful life full of blessings and kindness and love, he’s been locked up, staring at gray walls and prison bars.  My mother made me stop writing to Torey when she found out I was regularly corresponding with a murderer.  Even she didn’t understand that I would never see Torey as a murderer.  He was my friend.  He was kind to me.  And he had my back.

That happened 25 years ago.  I wonder if Torey is free now.  I hope so.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

You state your opinion like it’s fact
An energy vampire can have very strong opinions.  They’re usually pretty proud of their opinions and treat them like facts.  Have you ever said something like this to someone, “Those shoes are so ugly. I can’t believe you’d even consider wearing them outside.  I can’t go out with you if you’re going to wear those.  Look, I’m just trying to protect you from embarrassment.”  How do you think the person to whom you were speaking felt about that statement?  Did you justify it by saying, “Hey it’s only my opinion but seriously, those shoes are fugly dude.”  You’re squashing someone’s energy when you state negative opinions as if they are facts. 

If you don’t like their shoes, or something else about them, keep it to yourself, gently suggest an alternative in a way that empowers them (“Hey I think you’d look smokin’ hot in those black pumps.”), or keep your opinion to yourself.  An opinion that does not empower someone is an energetic attack on that person.

You complain endlessly about your problems
When you manage to get someone on the phone to talk to you, or someone to dine with, what comes out of your mouth?  Do you share the good news and positive things going on in your life or do you drive right over to complaint city and pick up a six pack of grievances to share with your friend?  “Oh my god, my boss is a total schmuck. He asked me to stay late one day this week to finish something that I was supposed to have done earlier.  I mean, I’m a human being, I can’t do everything.  What does he expect?  And when I asked for a raise, do you know what he said?  He said I hadn’t earned it yet.  That’s ridiculous.  So what if I don’t stay late and finish my work, right?  They’re not paying me overtime so why should I do anything for them?”  And so on.  If your friend is nodding politely while desperately ordering a third martini, you might be an energy vampire. 

Think back over your interactions with others and see if you use others as a complaint department.  If so, try to see the bright side of your life and only share that which is empowering to you.  It can turn your life around and save your friend from a life of alcoholism.

You throw pity parties every day of the week
Also known as “poor me” syndrome is the pity party.  Ever hear something like this coming out of your mouth?  “I broke the heel on my shoe crossing the street.  No one even stopped to help me.  I would ask my boss for a raise but I’m sure he’d just tell me no.  I can’t get my dates to call me back, and I don’t understand it.  I mean, I’m reasonably attractive and I don’t smell, so how come guys never call me after a date?  There’s no way I’m going  to have enough money in my retirement fund to get through the end of my life.  I’ll probably have to just kill myself in 10 years so I don’t go broke.”  Cue the violins, get the tissues, and let’s all say it together, “How sad for you.  This is terrible.  I don’t know how you go on.” 

When you play the victim you’re asking other people to use their energy to uplift and hold you in a higher vibration.  How long do you think they can do that before they’re drained too?  How long do you think your friends will be willing to do that when you drain them so badly?  You can ask your friends for help, but you must accept their help.  If you don’t, you’re just out for a quick fix, and your life is still going to suck the next day.

You wield guilt like a weapon of mass destruction
A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida.  “Hi Mom, how are you?”  “Not too good,” says the mother.  “I’ve been very weak.”  The son says, “Why are you so weak?”  She replies, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”  “Mama,” the man says, “that’s terrible.  Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”  The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.” 

And that my friends is how you wield guilt like a weapon of mass destruction.  If you seek to lower someone to the vibration of shame or guilt, on purpose, you are engaging in energy vampirism.  If you need someone to feel guilty so that you can feel good or justified then you are using emotional manipulation to take energy from others.  If you want to make a point there are other ways.  Example, “Son, I love hearing about all the great things going on in your life, and I’d love it if we could talk on the phone at least once a week so I don’t miss anything.  What do you say?”

You spread fear around like it’s going out of style
Like a good conspiracy theory?  Is the government out to get us?  Is the economy going to hell in a hand basket?  Do you start your conversations like this, “Did you hear about how the dollar is failing and we’re all going to be standing in bread lines soon?  What do you think?  Should we start stockpiling gold?”  Do you carry fear around with you like a bag of treats, ready to share with anyone and everyone willing to listen?  “Carrie, did you hear that the company is downsizing and laying people off right and left?  Do you think we’re going to get fired?  I don’t know about you but if that happens I’m really screwed.  I don’t know what I would do.  I’m totally freaking out about it.  Should I just quit and try to find another job now or…” 

Don’t spread fear like it’s fact. Don’t give your power to things outside your control.  And definitely don’t bring others down with your fear.  It forces your friend to try to calm you down, and that wastes vital energy.  If you need others to hold your hand, mollify you, reassure you constantly that everything’s going to be okay, you’re drawing upon their strength to do it.  Find your inner strength.  You can prepare for the worst while still planning for the best.  If something hasn’t even happened yet, why give it any of your energy?  React to things as they happen instead.  And don’t use your friends as shields.

You’re stubborn to the point of ridiculosity
I had this friend in college who was the most stubborn, opinionated person I knew.  One Friday I was at the student store and saw that the schedule for next semester had already come out even though it was supposed to come out the following Monday.  Excited, I called my friend when I got home.  Here is how our conversation went.

Me:  “Mark, the new schedule of classes is out.”
Mark: “That’s impossible.  It doesn’t come out until Monday.”
Me:  “No, yeah, I know that’s what they said, but I was just at the student store and it’s out.”
Mark:  “No, that’s impossible.  You probably have last semester’s schedule.”
Me: “Uh, no, this is definitely for the upcoming semester.”
Mark:  “It probably just looks that way and was a big printing error.  You don’t have the new schedule.  It comes out on Monday.”
Me:  “Look man, I’m holding next semester’s schedule in my hands right now.  I’m looking at it with my own eyes.  I’m picking classes right now with my own brain.”
Mark:  “No you’re not.  You can’t be.  The schedule doesn’t come out until Monday.  You’re wrong.”
Me:  “Uh, okay, whatever dude.  You go wait until Monday.  I’m going to start registering for classes.”
Mark:  “Fine, you do that, but you’re picking old classes from last semester.”
Me:  “Uh, yeah, sure.  Look, I’ll uh, talk to you next week.  How about that?”

Seriously, that was a real conversation I had with a friend, who by the way is someone I now speak to about once every two years.  It’s just too frustrating to talk to him.  He’s a total drain on my energy.  Do you insist you’re right even when you know you’re wrong?  Do you refuse to bend in any direction other than your own?  Are you closed to hearing the valid opinions of others because you don’t want them to have power over you or you can’t stand to be wrong?  When you do this, you block the flow of energy between you and your friends.  Instead of a creative exchange you put up roadblocks.  This will kill any chance of energetic flow and will be a real drain on your friendship.  Stop it.  Be comfortable being wrong sometimes.  Happens to the best of us.

You never get invited to parties, lunch, or other social occasions
Lastly, you might be an energy vampire if you never get invited to spend time with others.  Clue in.  If people don’t want to be around you, there’s a reason.  You drain them, and people can only take so much before they cut you loose. 

***

It’s okay to slip into these habits sometimes, but if they’re your constant way of doing business with your friends, relatives, and co-workers pretty soon you’re going to be all alone with no one to complain to.  Friends are a great resource.  Friends can lift you up when real tragedy strikes.  Friends can raise your self esteem and help you find creative solutions to your problems.  But if all you do is squash their energy or take their energy without giving any back, eventually they’re going to be so depleted they’ll have to dwell elsewhere.  Don’t be an energy vampire, be a battery instead.  Charge people up, ignite them to action, support them when the chips are down, encourage them to reach their potential.  If you are supportive, caring, and encouraging you’ll have friends.  Who wouldn’t want that around?

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

First let’s make a list of the people in your life so we can identify the fangsters.  Start with the people you interact with on a daily basis, then a weekly basis, then on occasion, and so forth.  Next to those names you’ll have three columns.  First column reads “uplifts me.”  Second column reads, “neutral.”  And the third column reads, “drains me.”  Then get busy putting check marks in the appropriate column for each person on your list.  If you’re having trouble figuring out which column they belong in, think about your last interaction with them and ask yourself if you felt better, the same or worse after that interaction. 

Once your list is done take a long hard look at it and see who you’re hanging out with.  Any vamps?  Yes?  Let’s see about neutralizing their power.  I know what you’re going to say… “But some of these vamps are my friends, my family, my BOSS!  How am I supposed to just get rid of them?”  You have three options on how to deal with an energy vampire, including how to handle it when escape seems impossible.

First, figure out if you could cut the person out of your life.  If it’s a friend, write him a letter letting him know you simply can’t be friends with him anymore as you no longer like the person you become when you’re with him.  It’s hard, yeah, but keeping these people in your life is going to drain you dry.  It’s not worth it.  Once you kick them out of your life, new more upbeat friends will fill the gap.  If it’s a boss, find another job with someone you’d prefer working with.  I know, this may take time.  So take the time.  It’s your life, your power, make a change!  If the vamp is a relative, begin curtailing your contact with them.  If the relationship is seriously abusive consider cutting them out of your life completely.  There’s no law that says you have to be friends with your family.

Second, if you can’t cut them out of your life you’ve got to learn to shield against their attacks.  Never go into an interaction with the vampire until your shields are up and your emotional armor is on.  How do you do this?  First, acknowledge what’s about to happen.  “I’m going to my mom’s house, she’s going to complain about how short my hair is.”  Or “My boss is going to denigrate me in front of my staff at today’s meeting.  He always does.”  Then, prepare your response ahead of time.  “If my mom complains about my hair, I won’t defend my choice.  I’ll just let her talk herself out or change the subject.”  “If my boss complains about my performance I’ll just make a joke and deflect the negative energy.”  This is also called, “Don’t let anyone get under my skin.”  Do not sink to their level.  Let their attack hit your shield and bounce off.  Do not let them make you emotionally bleed.

Third, try to uplift the vampire to a higher vibration.  Also known as “sprinkling some fairy dust on their heads so they stop being schmucks.”    This is difficult, but it can be done.  The next time an energy vampire attacks you, try responding with love, kindness, compassion or empathy.  They hate that; takes the wind right out of their sails. “Mom, you know I still love you even when you complain about my appearance, right?”  Or “Mom, it seems like when you complain about my hair you want me to feel bad about how I make decisions in life.  Is that your intent?  To make me feel bad?”  Sometimes holding up a mirror to the vamp is enough to conquer them.  If it’s your boss, you could take him aside and say, “It seems as if during our staff meetings you often say something denigrating about me in front of everyone.  I’ll tell ya, that doesn’t feel too good, and I was wondering if you were going to continue doing that or not?”  If your friend is bringing you down and you haven’t cut her loose, say, “Girlfriend, blaming others for the problems in your life isn’t going to solve them.  Why don’t you sit down with me one day and let’s have a long talk about how we might actually pull your life together and get you to a happier place.  I really care about you and I’d rather see you happy than complaining all the time.  What do you say?” 

Energy vampires only have power if you give them power.  If you can’t stand up to a vampire, if you can’t cut their energy out of your life, or if you can’t uplift them to a new place, you’re going to suffer greatly under the onslaught of their darkness.  You’ll find your own self esteem falling, you’ll stop feeling empowered in areas where you used to feel great, and eventually you’ll be a puddle of emotional jelly and everyone will step on you.  If you need help staving off the advances of an energy vampire, ask a high vibration friend to help you.  Set up an intervention on the vamp.  Be honest and clear about what they do to others, maybe they don’t realize it. 

Work on your list until at least 90% of the people on it are in the uplift or neutral column.  Don’t suffer the energy vampires.  You’re not obligated to be their punching bag.  You can’t rescue someone who is drowning by jumping into the water with them.  They’ll just pull you down too.  Throw them a life preserver, encourage them to grab it, offer to pull them to shore, but do not let them pull you down.

And whatever you do, don’t feed them after midnight.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

Polyamory
Last year was a strange year for me.  When Steve and I announced we were going to try polyamory there was a firestorm of response, which was expected, of course, but the degree was off the chart.  I can recall headlines on other blogs that said something about “Steve Pavlina Cheats on Wife” and the like.  I think what bothered me most were the lies being told about us.  I don’t mind when people write factual things about us, but when people tell bald-faced lies based on no research of the facts, and then their readers believe them and make judgments based on those lies, then I cry foul.  I learned last  year how celebrities in tabloids must feel and I developed great empathy for them.  I say to you now, don’t believe what you read unless it comes straight from the source or the source’s representative.  You don’t want to go through life believing lies.  I know I don’t.

The truth is that polyamory was awesome.  Not because either of us actually slept with someone outside our relationship (for the record, neither of us ever had sex with another person at any time during our 15+ years together), but because we opened ourselves up to greater emotional intimacy with others.  I was blissful during the first 9 months of 2009 as we explored polyamory.  We learned that compromise just makes both people unhappy.

Separation
So if I was so blissful for the first 9 months, what happened to cause a separation?  Steve and I realized we had developed incompatible lifestyle goals that were making it difficult for us to have a life together.  To generalize a little, Steve is always wanting to push the edge, to explore, experiment, grow, and change.  He gets bored with routine.  I, on the other hand, prefer routine and stability.  I like to build on what I already have, not tear down the monument and start building again.  While Steve loves to travel, I can take it or leave it.  Steve wants to see the world.  I’d like to see England, Ireland, and Scotland, but other than that I feel no strong desire to travel.  Wish I did, but I don’t.  Steve wants to immerse himself in different cultures, and I want to set down roots in a single community and get to know everyone for years.  I’d also like to keep my kids in one school instead of moving them around so much.  Kyle is only 6 years old and he’s lived in 5 homes.  I loved stability growing up and wanted to provide that for my kids too.

Steve and I are great friends and probably always will be.  To preserve our friendship, and to preserve our relationship, we had to end the marriage contract; the contract that says we stay together no matter what, no matter who we become or what our preferences are.  It became like shackles around our ankles, where neither one of us could grow in the direction we wanted.  So we decided to separate, amicably.  We basically freed each other of the shackles so we could each explore what we want without compromise.  And that has felt great to both of us.  We don’t hate each other, and we didn’t separate because we were fighting all the time.  On the contrary, there was so much love between us that we recognized we would each be happier outside the marriage.  The resentments are gone, the restrictions are gone, and now we can go back to connecting in the areas where we are compatible, and not feeling honor bound to connect in ways we don’t want to anymore.

Health Goal
At the beginning of 2009 I set a health and wellness goal.  I learned a lot this year, like never to announce a health and wellness goal in a public blog.   I was overloaded with contradictory advice that served only to confuse me.  I had moderate successes in my health goal.  I ended the year at roughly the same weight I started.  My overall health improved, however, as in 2008 I was a real mess of problems that are all fixed now.  I’ve had to start working out from home as now that I have the kids full time I can’t spend 2 hours every morning driving to and working out at the gym unless I want to cut 2 hours out of my work schedule for the day.  I’ve started doing my old Tae Kwon Do workout which is intense, and I’m lifting weights at home thanks to a weight set Steve got me for Christmas.  I will not be blogging about health and wellness this year.  Just watch the Facebook photo to see how things are changing.

Business Goals
My main focus this year is going to be to ramp up my business.  Right now I’ve got the blog and the intuitive readings.  The blog is free and the readings are up there in price.  I’d like to create something in the middle.  To that end, my plans include creating CDs, doing teleconferences, a workshop, and an audio program.  I will continue blogging, and I’m planning to do at least 4 YouTube videos each month (subscribe to my channel now). I will be on stage with Steve during the Conscious Growth Workshop coming up January 15-17, and I may be involved in future workshops he produces, depending on many factors.

Currently, I’m working on a CD that I intend to release this month.  If you signed up for my newsletter you received my free ebook, 10 Ways to Raise Your Vibration in Under 10 Minutes, which people seemed to really love.  Due to high demand, I’m recording an audio version of the ebook that will include two guided meditations that are under 10 minutes each that you can use to raise your vibration very quickly.  It will be available on CD and as an MP3 download.  If you want to know when the CD comes out and you’re not used to visiting my site daily looking for a new blog entry, be sure to sign up for the newsletter right away.

Personal Goals
My personal goals are related to courage, power and authority, the side of the TLP triangle that is weakest for me.  My new motto this year is “just do it.”  I have a tendency to shy away from things that require boldness and courage, so this year I’m going full steam ahead.  If it’s fun, I’m doing it.  If it’s exciting, I’m doing it.  If it’s crazy, I’m filming it!   Going to the gun range with a friend was an example of something I’ve always wanted to try but never did.  We’ll be going back soon to try an automatic rifle. I know, it’s crazy right?  Which is why I’ll be filming it!  I’m also joining the local Improv Troupe, which is something Steve did years ago that he says really helped him with his public speaking, so now it’s my turn.  I’m going to plug into my power and do all the things I want to do but have been too nervous or afraid to try.

Since our separation I’ve been spending more time socializing with friends.  That’s been really awesome!  I started a game night with friends that we host at Steve’s house.  So far we’ve done this twice.  We played poker the first time and Cranium and Charades the second time.  Our friends are all professional speakers, and some are comedians, and that makes for some really funny stuff at game night!  In a few weeks I’m going to play basketball with another toastmaster friend who found out I used to be a really kick ass basketball player.  I don’t know if I’ve “still got it” but it will be fun seeing if I do.  I also might get back into role-playing games (the pen and paper and dice kind).  I’m particularly fond of the Heroes Unlimited system, so if you’re in Vegas and you’re keen on role-playing let me know.

Summary
I think the year ahead is going to be fascinating and joyous.  I’ll be spending less time on correspondence and email (that just never ends and I can’t possibly help everyone who emails me) and more time on product creation and spreading my message to more people.  Thank you to everyone who has been so incredibly supportive to me this year.  I may not be able to respond to everyone, but as of now, I’m still able to read all the correspondence, so know that your messages to me have been wonderfully touching.  Love to you all!

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

What is one book or other source you would highly recommend for a complete beginner interested in becoming an intuitive counselor?

You’ll want to develop a very clear connection with your guides, specifically your conduit guide.  And you’ll want to be proficient in counseling.  So I would study the “How To” information of other intuitive counselors such as myself, Colette Baron-Reid, and Sonia Choquette.  Read their books or their blogs, attend their seminars, teleconferences, and workshops.  Or arrange a consult to get detailed answers to the questions that pertain to you in your individual situation.

What do colors in dreams represent?  Aura or chakra colors?  I have had two dreams in a row where the same shade of the colors green and orange have featured prominently in wedding scenes but in different contexts.

Green is the heart chakra color related to compassion, empathy, love, and connection with others.  Orange is the sacral chakra color related to relationships and emotions.  It’s no wonder you saw them at a wedding.  I’d have to know how you felt in the dream to help you better understand why these colors are coming up for you.

In times of personal woe, a lot of people have trouble connecting spiritually. How would you suggest they find comfort if they feel cut off in that way?

In times of woe is definitely when you most need your spiritual connections.  Read my free ebook: 10 Ways To Raise Your Vibration in Under 10 Minutes, which you can get instantly when you sign up for my newsletter.  Everything in there will help you reconnect with yourself and your spiritual posse on the other side very quickly.  Nothing helps me reconnect faster than sitting down to a nice virtual cup of hot chocolate and a hug from my higher self, who is a constant reminder that this too shall pass, that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and that you can always choose love.  For long term reconnection, I highly recommend meditation and the practice of feeling blessed by keeping a gratitude log.

Do you have any thoughts about whether the use of antidepressants inhibits a person’s intuitive abilities and/or psychic development?

I’ve never been on antidepressants nor have I known someone who has tried to utilize their intuitive abilities while on antidepressants, so I could only hazard a guess.  Anything that impairs your vibration or ability to connect with your guides is going to impair or inhibit your intuitive abilities and your psychic development, whether that’s alcohol, drugs, shame, fear, anger, anxiety, guilt, etc.  To effectively utilize your psychic faculties you’ll want to be as clear as you can.

What are the top two or three inspiring books you read in 2009?

Most of the books I read in 2009 were related to health and relationships, but I wouldn’t say any of them were particularly inspiring; rather I would say they were informative.  One of my goals in 2010 is to catch up and brush up on the spiritual books out there.  First up is Conversations with God, which I’ve never read, but now feel called to read.  I’m just going to pop by the Hay House website and see what they’ve got on tap.

How do you deal with a deceased person who keeps coming into your dreams and insists she is not dead?

Whoa.  Talk about violation of personal space!  If it were me, I would show them the door, which in this case is the light.  Help them crossover by gently suggesting they are in fact dead, and I would ask the angels to guide them to the other side.  I encountered a fellow many years ago who didn’t know he was dead.  It took me 5 tries to convince him he was dead.  If they won’t go, find out if there is unfinished business they’d like you to help them tie up.  That might be enough to get them to cross over peacefully. 

And what’s your take on crystal healing?

I don’t have a lot of experience with crystal healing.  I recall when I was a teenager trying to use crystals to heal myself when I was ill or in pain.  It never seemed to work, so either it doesn’t work or I was doing it wrong.  My jury is still out on crystals.  I haven’t worked with them enough to tout their benefits just yet.

In order to heal deep emotional wounds do we need people or life situations to open up (trigger) those wounds in order for us to heal them?

No I don’t believe so.  You are capable of deciding how you want to feel about the past, the present, and the future.  It isn’t always easy to hold a loving energy towards a situation, event or person, but it’s always possible.  I find that asking the pain why it’s there is important, and learning the lesson is important too.  Pain and difficulty come when we resist what is, when our expectations are violated, when we feel victimized.  I have found that accepting responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions is very helpful in healing old wounds, as is asking myself how I’d like to feel about the situation.

Does hanging around people with a lower vibration lower my vibrational frequency? And do I have the capacity to become immune?

If you are in a high vibrational state like love, peace, or gratitude and you hang around with someone in a lower vibrational state like anger, for example, then either your vibration will drop or theirs will be raised, or you can both maintain your vibrations if that is your desire.  It is not automatic that yours will lower or theirs will raise.  Guarding against those whose energy lowers ours, though, is something I highly recommend.  Learn how to maintain your higher vibrational state when you are around those who might pull you down.  Be an example for them.  I think we all have the capacity to choose the frequency at which we want to vibrate, but I haven’t personally met anyone yet who doesn’t occasionally drop into a lower vibration.

What is the most empowering lesson that you’ve learned so far from your recent separation? (I hope it’s not too personal or too soon to ask) I just think more people need to see that you can find personal power in “negative” situations. I believe you have a good perspective on life and can get that message across.

Great question.  Most empowering lesson is that I’m learning to rely on myself.  Expressing my own power and authority.  It feels great.  A little scary, but ultimately awesome!  I kill my own spiders, open my own jars, set up my own electronics, I’m a rockstar!    My relationship with Steve is like energy, it was not destroyed in our separation, it merely changed form.  And I’m enjoying getting reacquainted with parts of me that were buried in the relationship.  I’m remembering the power of my own message and am looking forward to sharing it more often and more deeply with my readers.

I have been working on my ability to tune into various energies, such as my guides, angels, and environment. However I am not exactly sure specifically how to tune myself in, outside of guided meditations and visualization. Besides simply concentrating and focusing on that which I want to tune into, can you describe in detail the general “tuning in” process? Sometimes it feels as if I cannot locate my station changing knob.

Tuning in is usually the easy part.  The hard part is trusting that you are tuned in to the being you’re trying to communicate with, being able to interpret and understand what you’re receiving, and having the confidence to act upon it.  Unfortunately it’s beyond the scope of this article to go into the kind of detail we’d need to go into, but I would say to continue to have long conversations with your guides (the longer you go the more tuned in you will be), write down what they’re telling you or showing you, act on it, and see what results you get.  You can also ask your guides to help you tune in better, then get out of your own way (and your own logic) and let them show you how to hear them best.

How can you distinguish the voices of your higher self/spirit guides from those of your ego or mind chatter?

Read this article I wrote on this subject: How To Tell the Difference Between Your Ego, Logic, Spirit Guides and Intuition.

How can you learn to control your visions/premonitions/clarsentience, such as recurring ones happening only when touching a certain person/animal, that will fade when you ask questions instead of giving answers?

If you’re getting repeated visions or premonitions there’s obviously a strong warning in that.  If something you’re seeing is going to come to pass you can either try to prevent it or you can get ready to deal with it.  If you no longer want to receive the premonitions you’ll have to shut down your psychic radio and stop tuning in.  That’s sometimes easier said than done, but maintaining control of when you get information and when you don’t is important.  I had to learn how to stop receiving communication from my guides and deceased people when I wasn’t officially working.  Now my guides can reach me in case of emergency or urgency or when I’m working.  It takes a strong spirit to get my attention when I’m not working.  It does happen but it’s rare now.  Work with your guides.  Tell them what you want and need.  Sometimes I get a metaphor for someone that I just don’t understand and I ask the guides to give it to me again a different way.  This is a two way street.  Let them know what you want and what you can handle and ask them to ease off if you don’t like the kind of communication you’re getting.

Do you have a perspective on ‘protection’ – i.e. managing your field and energy both during sessions and when at parties or out and about like new year’s eve?

Great question.  I was recently at a casino in the evening (rare for me) as I was going to a club to hear a comedian.  I immediately realized I was way too open to be there comfortably.  So many people walking around in a state of arousal, excitement, debauchery, alcohol … many of who had nefarious intentions.  Just a lot of low vibration people (not to say everyone there was that way!  Heaven’s no, but definitely a bunch of energies I don’t normally enjoy being around).  So I had to close my “door” so to speak so I wouldn’t be affected by their energy.  First, I closed up my chakras to be tighter in my body.  So the size of an orange instead of the usual size of a basketball I’m used to.  Then I had to close off my energy by erecting an energy shield around me.  You know the kind I’m talking about, the one that says, “leave me alone” or “I’m not the droid you’re looking for. Move along.”  With practice you can do this too.

When I’m working, it’s the opposite.  I open my chakras very wide and connect them with the infinite divine.  I only do this under the protection of my work environment – my White Room – and in the presence of my conduit guide, Bob.  Managing energy is very important in life.  If you’re too open in a room full of lower vibrational people, you can easily pick up on their energy and take it home with you, much like when I’m in a casino and come home wreaking of smoke even though I never touched a cigarette.

If someone is interested in becoming a psychic medium/intuitive counselor, what should they do on a daily/regular basis to achieve that goal? (besides meditate)

Connect with your conduit guide.  Practice giving readings to friends and family.  Get feedback on your methods.  Then practice on total strangers.  Keep refining your process until you’re very confident in your ability to tune in for anyone.  Let your guides teach you as well.  Raise your vibration and keep it high when you are working.  Don’t be afraid of making mistakes; they will happen.  Don’t be afraid of failure.  Just keep working at it until you are comfortable with the results.

Do you have any new year’s resolutions? 

No.  Not sure I like the whole New Year’s Resolution thing, but I do like writing out my goals for the year, so I’ve already done some work on that.  This year will be all about creating products, teleconferences, more videos, and maybe a workshop or two.

When you give a reading, has anyone ever had and shared a psychic hit on you?  What is the etiquette for that sort of happening?

Do you mean that while I’m giving a reading someone gets information for me?  Yes that has happened a few times.  I do read for a lot of other psychics and mediums, some of them in training and some of them relatively famous.  I also read for clients who are just really intuitive.  And on occasion someone will tell me, usually at the end of the reading, some information they’re getting about me.  I don’t mind receiving it, so I’m happy when that happens.  I’ve also had very intuitive friends and colleagues send me impromptu information they’re getting about me.  I like that too.

The other morning, not quite awake, I heard a woman’s voice call my name very distinct accent, I’m sure it was my spirit guide. How do I hear more, like answers to questions?

The time between sleeping and becoming awake is often a time when we pick up on snatches of conversation at another frequency.  It could have been a spirit guide, or it could have been an auditory hallucination, or a hypnogogic hallucination.  It’s a hard time to get answers to questions.  I would work on lucid dreaming if you want to use your sleep time to communicate with your guides.

Could you ask your guides about free will? Say if you wanted to pray for the protection of someone or if you wanted to perform distance healing, would the angels/guides be limited in helping those people because the request doesn’t come from them directly?

Curses and prayers get through with equal effectiveness.  They either bounce off someone’s aura or they impact.  Whether it happens or not depends on the vibration and intention of the person receiving the curse or prayer or healing for that matter.  You can accept or reject either “gift.” 

If you have a reading that states a possibility for your future, but then a decision you make changes the ending, will the universe bring you back on track somehow?

Depends on whether you want it to or not and if you’re a vibrational match for the path you desire.  Like you’ve correctly presupposed, you can change your future, it is not set in stone.  If, during a reading, a psychic tells you something is likely to happen, you can take steps to alter that outcome.  Just change course.  If, however, you change course but you’re still a vibrational match for that thing happening, you could easily slip back into your old trajectory.  At all times and in all ways you are responsible for the outcome of your decisions.  So always think carefully as you move along the path. 

Do you believe in Jesus?

Depends on your definition.  I believe there is a highly conscious being (one of many actually) who incarnated on Earth to help remind us of who we really are.  I’m not sure when he lived or how many times he’s been back since.  I’ve encountered an energy on the other side that felt like the Christ energy to me, and it was quite humbling.  When I think of Jesus, I think of the highly ascended consciousness.  We are all One, so if you believe in Jesus I hope you look in the mirror and see him staring back at you.  You have access to all of his wisdom and power.

Can psychic powers be gained with yoga and your views on Yogic siddhis?

Psychic powers could be accessed while you’re doing yoga, sure.  Anything that puts you in a higher vibration or balances your mind, body or spirit will help you in the development of your psychic faculties.  I don’t know what a Yogic Siddhi is, so I’ll defer to those who know more on that subject.

***

If you want to discuss any of these answers, there’s a forum thread for this blog entry.  Head on over and let’s hear what you’ve got to say!

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

What IS a soul mate?
The most common definition of a soul mate is the person you are destined to marry. You guys arrange to incarnate together, and you incarnate every time in every life and hook up, make babies, and live happily ever after. This would be great if it were true, but it’s not really how things work.

So do soul mates exist at all then?
In a way they do and in a way they don’t. We’ll have to reclassify the definition a little. It’s true that before you incarnate you make arrangements with certain other souls to meet, connect, and have some kind of impact on each other. You might even end up marrying one of these souls, but it’s not necessary to satisfy the arrangement or plan you had with them. All that is intended to happen is a connection. So our new definition of soul mate should be closer to this: A soul mate is a person you have a soul connection with whom you decide to interact with on a permanent or semi-permanent basis.

So what’s a soul connection then?
There are infinite souls out there, all extensions of Source. Let’s use an analogy. If we’re all cells in the Body of Humanity, we’re all ultimately connected with each other the same way a liver cell is ultimately connected with a heart cell. But if you’re a heart cell, for example, you’ll find yourself resonating more closely with other heart cells. You may not have much connection with a liver cell if you’re a heart cell, but it’s okay, there’s no bad blood between you. You just don’t hang with each other much.

So when you incarnate, you may recognize some of the cells in your posse. “Hey, don’t we know each other from somewhere? Oh I remember, you’re a heart cell. Me too! Yo, my brother! What’s the haps?” These are soul connections. People you recognize because you know each other from the ether. You’ll feel drawn to them. You may have even pre-arranged a meeting because you have business together. You’ll have soul connections with potentially hundreds of people in any incarnation. You may not meet them all, but they’re here. These soul connections are with people in what we call a soul group.

So who am I supposed to marry? Someone from my soul group?
It’s very common for people to fall in love with people with whom they have a soul connection. It’s a natural extension of the fondness you feel for them and the familiarity you have with them. Sometimes this fondness results in a commitment, like marriage. Sometimes it becomes a business partnership. Sometimes you are just amazing friends. Think about it. Don’t you know a few people in your life that you feel very close to but they aren’t your spouse? Haven’t you known someone in your past who had a huge impact on the course of your life but maybe you don’t even keep in touch now? A teacher? A mentor? A friend? Probably members of your soul group.

Do you always marry someone from your soul group?
No, but I do think it’s more likely. These are people you’ll have a natural attraction towards. These are people you’ll recognize on some level. But you could be a heart cell who marries a liver cell and you can live happily ever after too.

So how am I supposed to find “the one?”
There is more than one “one.” It’s probably religion that has indoctrinated us to believe we’re supposed to find one person and settle down for the rest of our lives. So of course you want to find the right “one.” Totally understandable. But let me reassure you that there are scads of people on this planet who would make a good partner for you. It all depends on what you want, what they want, and if you’re at Starbucks when they are. Don’t get caught up with the idea that if you can’t find the “one” that you are doomed to be alone the rest of your life. Just find one of the “ones” and you’ll be fine.

Weren’t you and Steve soul mates?
I’ve probably alluded to that in other blog entries. I’m certain Steve and I pre-arranged our connection here. I’m certain we are members of the same soul group. I know our souls are deeply connected, and I know our mission here is well aligned. But I also know there are other people in our group out there too. As we drift around in this incarnation, we’ll keep ourselves open to interacting with them. Restricting ourselves to one connection in each life is so unnecessary. Don’t do it to yourself either. Keep yourself open to meeting anyone and everyone with whom you have a connection. Open yourself to what you could gain by interacting with cells outside your soul group too.

Is there a way to find people in our soul group more easily?
Yes there is. Go where they are. Seriously. Tune in to your soul group. What kind of work do they do? What sort of philosophy of life do they probably have? Where are they likely to feel most comfortable? Most called? It’s probably similar to you. I’ve found one of the best places to find people in a soul group is conferences and seminars. If you’re interested in something, chances are the members of your soul group are interested too. Workshops, conferences, retreats, gatherings, groups, are all great places to start your search. When I first went to Hay House’s I Can Do It Conference it was like a soul group reunion! Oh my heavens, I felt like I’d found my tribe. Once I had that experience I started going to anything and everything where these people were likely to go. The Conscious Growth Workshop is another good place to find high awareness, conscious folks eager to grow. I’ve found members of my soul group at Toastmasters. You might find some at the gym, a yoga class, or at art school. They’re out there.

So the next time you ask a psychic where your soul mate is, I hope she says, “They’re all around you. Pick one. What kind of connection are you seeking at this time in your life?” An intuitive should be able to help you find one, but I hope you understand now that it won’t be the one and only.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

Mutual Decision
Our decision to end the marriage was definitely mutual.  I haven’t been kicked to the curb, cast out, or anything like that.  Our desires in life are no longer as compatible as they were in our early years.  We both want to live in ways that the other is not interested in, so we were constantly compromising what we wanted to make the other person happy, which left neither of us truly happy.  I urge you to examine your own situation to see if anything like that is happening in your relationship.  Do you have to quell your strongest desires in order to be with your committed partner?  While there is something to be said for honoring a commitment, there is no way to know long ago what you might want today.  When you’re no longer compatible or desire the same things in life, I think it’s time to let go and find your true happiness.

What We Still Share
Steve and I are still friends.  We enjoy each other’s company, and still have a lot in common.  We both share a strong desire to help raise the consciousness of the planet.  For me, I want to help people reconnect with their higher selves, remember where they came from, and realize that we are all connected and we are all One.  Our life purposes are still quite compatible.  That isn’t enough to maintain a marriage or living arrangement though.  This is why, at least for the time being, we intend to continue working together and helping each other with our goals and missions in life.

Did you see it coming?
Some people want to know if I saw this coming because I’m psychic.  I saw this coming because I was there.  It didn’t take foresight to see that we were both compromising our desires to meet in the middle.  But it did take courage and conscious thought to realize our commitment to the institution of marriage wasn’t nearly as important as our commitment to our passions, desires, and goals.  The marriage had to go so we could both express ourselves freely and fully.

But aren’t you sad?
I’m sad about some things and very happy about others.  My friend, Vicki, helped me see that what I was grieving was the old story, and how I thought that story would end.  Metaphorically, it’s like I was writing a book and someone just took the book out of my hand and handed me a blank set of pages.  I have a new story to write.  Doesn’t mean the old story wasn’t great, I just need to take the story in a new and more powerful direction.  I’m not depressed and I’m not spending my days in tears.  There is a definite relief in the fact that we are keeping what’s best about us and removing the thorns that caused us to bleed.  If sadness wants to come, I will let it and honor it.  If anger wants to come, I will let it and honor it.  I will keep myself open and let the emotions run through me and not bury them.  I have the most amazing friends who have been supportive and loving, and I truly appreciate all the well wishes I’ve received since we made our announcement.

What about the kids?
We know that separation is hard on children.  We believe that staying in a marriage with lots of conflict is worse.  We believe we’ll both relate to the children better because we’ll both be happier people.  I am keeping a close eye on the children.  We’re doing a lot of talking and processing.  In the coming weeks I’ll be looking for resources and information on how to help children cope with divorce.  They will be loved and nurtured.  And if they need more help, they’ll get it.  Their teachers and school counselors are aware of our situation and I’m communicating daily with them to make sure the kids are doing okay.  There is a lot of laughter in our home, and I’m making sure the kids can openly express their true feelings towards us both so they feel heard.  We’ll do the best we can with what we’ve got to work with.  And we will heal.

What about plans for your business?
Like Steve mentioned, it’s business as usual here.  I’m helping him plan the logistics for the upcoming workshop.  I’d like to speak at the next workshop, especially to share what we’ve learned in the relationship segment.  I’m still doing readings, I’ll still write blog entries, and I’ll probably finally get around to writing a book or making that audio program that’s been languishing in my mind for eons.  The kids are in school during the week, so my working hours will remain largely the same.  I’ll be keeping my married name as that is what I’ve built my brand on.  And who knows what else lurks on the horizon for me.  The possibilities are endless!

Love and Support
I want to thank everyone who emailed me or posted their support in our forums, facebook, and twitter.  It means a lot to me to have your love and support.  I’m especially touched by the people I’ve helped over the years who are reaching back to help me now.  I gratefully accept your kindness, love and support.  Like I mentioned I have the most amazing friends, including my Toastmaster friends and the ladies in my mastermind group.  My family has been very supportive as well. 

Yes there is some sadness for what will never be, but there is also great joy in the endless possibilities that await me.  The story continues, though some of the characters may change.  The river draws me in a new direction and I will explore it daringly, while still remembering where I came from, and that I am always loved.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

Steve was asked to become a member after having been nominated by a current member of the group.  Not everyone is asked to join this group, and not everyone who wants to be in this group will get an invitation, so we were both completely honored to be welcomed into this group, he as a member and me as a member spouse.

This retreat has nothing to do with making deals or trying to get anything from anyone.  It’s about giving, sharing, and being together.  It was more like a family reunion than a networking meeting.  We settled easily into the flow of this group as they were more than welcoming. 

By the end of this retreat I looked around the room and said to myself, “Wow, the world really is in good hands.”  It was like being in a room of higher selves.  Everyone there was consciously directing their growth.  They were all authentic, loving, giving, nurturing, supportive people.  There were presentations, but also a lot of singing, dancing, meditations, experiential exercises, and sharing of meals.  I never felt higher or lower than any person there.  I felt completely included and loved instantly.  It was like going Home. 

You would probably recognize many of the names of the members of this group, and some you would have never heard of because their work is in niches you’ve probably never studied.  But the names really don’t matter, it’s the work that matters.  All of these people are raising the consciousness and vibration of the people on our planet.  After meeting and getting to know them, I realized we all have the same message: Love.  It’s only in the ways we teach and express it that we differ.

This past week I saw in action the loving tendrils of Source energy who spiral out into the world, touching individuals all over the planet with Love.  This past week I was invited on stage because someone recognized that I am fearful of the stage.   She invited me up and said, “Do what you fear the most” so I started dancing, and I loved it, and I didn’t feel embarrassed or self conscious at all.  There was no judgment in that room.  And Steve got it on film too so I’ll always remember what I did.

I was transformed.  I gained courage.  I touched love. I was wrapped in this nurturing, powerful collective embrace that together said, “We can do it! We are unstoppable!  We can bring the planet to a state of Love.” 

Have you ever had one of those moments, days, or weeks that completely transformed your energy?  Where you knew you could never go back to how it used to be?  Where something just clicked and you realized you’d reached a new level of awareness, a new purpose, with new drive and passion?

The last time this happened to me was April 2006 when I discovered I was a psychic and medium.  That was a three week whirlwind of transformation that included filming for the Criss Angel show and then having Doreen Virtue read for me at Hay House’s I Can Do It event. 

So many ideas are flooding through me right now.  I can’t wait to sort through them and see what blossoms from this experience.  I am filled and overflowing with love.  And I’m going to be exploring new ways to share my message of love, oneness, and connection with the world.  Stay tuned, the best is yet to come!

P.S. If you want to see photos of the conference, I’ll probably be posting a few on my Facebook account.  Send me a friend request so you don’t miss out.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

Answer:  I get this question periodically so I figured it was a good time to answer it publicly. 

I discourage couples from getting a reading together where they are on the phone at the same time.  Experience has shown me that when spirit guides want to bring up something related to the marriage that sometimes the couple clams up their energy because they are afraid the guides are about to reveal something they don’t want their partner to know.  It can get uncomfortable real fast.  And when a person chokes off their energy like that, I can sometimes lose the connection to their guides.

Even when people don’t think there is a relationship problem, sometimes the guides need to tell you something that you need to know about the relationship or the partner, etc.  Imagine what would happen if you had a controlling guy in a relationship with a submissive woman and they were both on the phone.  The guides may need to talk to the woman about developing her personal power so she can get up the nerve to leave the guy or make serious changes in the relationship, but if the guides bring that up while the controlling guy is on the phone, she’s going to be in real trouble when the call is ended.

Or what happens if one partner is hiding debt from the other and the guides want to provide counsel on how to get out of debt?

The other issue that comes up is personal privacy.  Sometimes the guides will bring up issues from a person’s past, such as sexual abuse, because they need to talk to the sitter about it.  It’s possible the sitter’s spouse isn’t even aware of their partner’s previous sexual abuse.  How fun would that be for it to come out during a reading?  Because I am an intuitive counselor, personal issues do come up in readings sometimes, but the guides only bring them up if it will have a direct bearing on the challenges my sitter is facing, and where the resolution of those challenges will help them on their life path.

On rare occasions I will let a couple split their 30 minute reading into 2 15-minute readings, but that doesn’t really give us enough time to cover all aspects of a person’s life, and it doesn’t leave time for many follow up questions.  It’s sort of like asking a doctor to open you up, remove half your tumor, and then sew you up again.  While I’ve got you “open” so to speak, I want to finish up in there before I sew you back up.

Most people take notes during their reading, or record their reading with me, and then share what they want to share with their partner later.  It allows them to choose what they will share and what they want to keep private.  Readings are very personal and often times emotional, so think long and hard before you bring your partner in with you.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

I had friends who were religious.  My best friend, Frances, apparently belonged to a very religious Christian household.  Whenever one of her family members would leave the house they had to say, “Goodbye, I love you, and Mary and Jesus too” or something like that.  When I spent the night at her house, her mother made me say prayers.  I thought it was cute, but I had no idea who this God person was that I was supposedly talking to.  This was also a violent family.  The son was a vandal and arsonist, setting fire to the hill behind his house.  I watched from afar as his father whipped him with a belt to teach him a lesson.  Frances was often dragged by her hair down the stairs by her brother.  The father was a lawyer and was often called upon to keep his own son out of jail.

I remember one time my babysitter took us to her catechism class.  We got to paint pine cones and dip them in glitter.  I think we were making a Christmas tree ornament, but alas, no tree graced our home.  In fact, during  Christmas break from school my sister and I would often lament that all the stores were closed because of those Christians.  We were the ones going to the movie theatre and eating Chinese food on Christmas.

I got a vague understanding of who this God person was when my friends would talk about him.  They all seemed to think it was cool that we didn’t have to go to Church on Sunday, as they mostly thought it just wrecked their Sunday morning.  I remember asking my Christian friends why they believed there was a guy sitting on a throne up in the sky.  None of them gave me a particularly compelling answer.  Most said, “Because the bible tells me so” or “My parents told me there is a God so there must be.”

I am really grateful that I had parents who were not religious.  I never had to break free of religious indoctrination.  I never feared God or loved him.  I never feared going to Hell, which to me was this fictitious prison that bad Christians got sent to if they angered God.  Sometimes I was told that God was a loving God and sometimes he was furiously angry, wiping out entire civilizations on a whim.  The story was very confusing.  Being non-religious, I never felt like I was missing out on anything important.  It all seemed so silly to me to believe in some invisible guy who was constantly watching you to make sure you were good.  I thought that job belonged to Santa Claus. 

As I got older, some of my friends told me they feared for my soul because I wasn’t baptized.  They told me I was automatically going to go to Hell because I was not a Christian and did not believe in Jesus.  Honestly, that seemed sort of stupid to me.  I recall saying to one of them, “So if I am really loving and kind and good but not baptized, I go to Hell?  And someone else can be a murderer or pedophile and as long as he believes in Jesus, he gets to go to Heaven?”  They told me yes.  I’m sure it’s not as easy as that, right?  I said to these friends, “Why would you want to believe in a God that punished the good and let the bad into Heaven?”  They told me believing was not a choice but a commandment.  None of it made sense to me.

There was one thing I liked about religion.  Community.  There were a lot of Christians who seemed very kind and loving.  These were usually old ladies and they ran the church parking lot sales.  I met many Christians who were so kind, compassionate and caring.  People in the church took care of each other.  Families looked out for one another.  I thought that was kind of cool.  I asked my parents what would happen to us if we were ever destitute and poor and didn’t have the Church to take care of us.  They told me I didn’t need to worry about that, as we did quite well financially.  So I stopped worrying.

By the time I got to high school I assumed I was just an atheist.  I didn’t believe in God and that was the end of my story, or so I thought.  I found myself praying to God when I was in trouble.  I found myself making deals with Him all the time.  I hoped I was wrong about God because it sure felt comforting to think there was a kindly old guy looking out for me from above.  I couldn’t rationally convince myself that He existed, but when you’re in trouble, you’ll reach for any hand that might pull you out!  Still, I never saw any evidence that He existed. I figured if he was really there and all powerful like people said, that he surely knew I didn’t believe in Him and if He had an issue with it I was sure He would take it up with me personally.

I like how my mom puts it, “I don’t believe in God but I’m afraid to say that out loud in case He gets mad at me.”  Lordy. 

As I matured I realized that religion is man’s way of trying to interpret the divine presence inside all of us, of trying to make sense of the memories we retain even after the veil is drawn and we are left here, seemingly disconnected from Source.  I reconnected with Source on my own.  I explored the divine inside of me and found God staring back.  I began to remember where I came from, where we ALL come from.  And I began to see how we are all connected, simply projections of Source incarnated into outwardly disparate bodies.  I didn’t have this realization in a church, and I didn’t read about it in a book.  I felt it.  I remembered it.  I stopped cutting myself off from Source and Source came back to me.

Today I know there is a God, but God is not some man sitting on a throne pointing his finger at us in judgment.  God is what’s gazing back at you when you look in the mirror.  Which aspect of Him are you?  Are you His compassion?  His love?  Or are you His anger?  His judgment?  His intolerance?

I’m glad I grew up without a religion.  It left me free to find God on my own, in my own way, and in my own time.  I doubt I will ever be religious.  I find it unnecessary.  God is either in your heart or not there at all.  You either carry Him with you all the time, or cut yourself off from Him.  Have you found the divine presence yet?  Can you remember where you came from and where you will return?  Does God reside in your church, or in a book, or is he sitting quietly in your heart, waiting for you to notice Him?

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

Meeting Bryan
I met Bryan in junior high school around the age of 14.  When I met him he was already in a dark place, but I didn’t know it.  I knew his parents were divorced, but that’s all I knew.  I was attracted to his intellect, his love of all things sci-fi and fantasy, and he was really cute to boot.  My girlfriends and I hung out with him and his male friends, sort of a group thing.  Nothing much happened.  At graduation from junior high we went our separate ways.  He went to a different high school than I did and I figured I’d seen the last of him.

Char’s Prediction
When I was 15 I had a psychic reading with Char.  She came up with his name, including the fact that he spelled it with a “y” instead of an “I” and told me to watch out for him, that he would lead me down a dark path, not get along with my family, and that he was bad news.  I assured her that that was the past she was picking up on, not the future.  She seemed dubious, but what could she say really?  She’d given me her warning and I discounted it completely.

Sweet 16 Party
I had an awesome Sweet 16 birthday party.  Best party ever!  Instead of everyone going home at a reasonable hour, we all decided to pile into some cars and go carousing all night long.  No parental knowledge or supervision within miles!  At one point we hooked up with an old friend, named John, who mentioned he was just hanging out at a pizza parlor.  So we high-tailed it over to meet up with him.  Who was sitting with him?  Bryan.  At age 16 he was incredibly handsome, chiseled features, muscular build, he actually looked a lot like Matt Damon.  And I was on this incredible high from it being my party night.  I was quite flirtatious with him, enjoying being the center of attention.  I gave Bryan my phone number and told him to call me sometime.  Now that we were all 16 the distance between our homes was no big deal.  Bryan lived a 30 minute drive away from me.  At age 14, that’s too far to get your mom to drive you.  At age 16 with a driver’s license, that’s nothing!

A Slow Start
Bryan came back into my life.  I found out soon enough that he didn’t have his license.  Bryan would often ride his bike to my house, which would take him like an hour and a half!  Sometimes he was hanging out with John, who lived much closer to me.  There was a group of us, we’d all hang out, boys and girls alike.  We’d stay up all night talking about life, the universe, and everything.  All of us were smart, a little weird, and very open-minded.  Good group.  Bryan started putting the moves on me, just like I wanted, but apparently I was going a little too slow for him.  When I tried to put the brakes on a little, he gravitated to my best friend who was more than eager for a shot at this handsome hunk.  Before I knew it, she was doing things with him that I was only dreaming about.  I felt terribly jealous.  Going against my own instincts, I fought to win him back, and back he came.  Now that I had him, what was I going to do with him?

Darkness Reveals Itself
I turned 17 shortly after Bryan and I officially started dating.  Around this time I started to notice Bryan’s dark side.  He was angry all the time.  He was vain.  If his hair wasn’t perfect he wouldn’t leave his house, cancelling plans if necessary.  We argued a lot.  He never had any money, but I did, so I often paid his way to the movies and bought him dinner and gifts.  I thought I was making life easier for him, but in reality this made him feel ashamed of his lack of money.  He lived with his father, but I was never allowed to go inside his house.  He was ashamed of that too.  He lived in sort of a bad neighborhood so I never really pressed to hang out there anyway.  Plenty to do in my neck of the woods.  At this point in time I didn’t understand the depths of Bryan’s dark side.  I sort of felt sorry for him, though I think that just made things worse.  And I started to see evidence of violence.  He would throw things at the wall.  He would push me around a little when he was upset with me.  He was always brandishing his fists at me like he had to hold himself back from hitting me.

He wasn’t all dark though.  I was still totally attracted to his intellect, his creativity, his open-mindedness, and his love of role playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons).  We got along swimmingly when he wasn’t mad at me.  He was fiercely loving towards me, almost possessive.  At the time I thought it was cool.

The Rape
Bryan wanted to have sex and I didn’t.  I just wasn’t ready.  I figured I would be at some point.  I liked kissing him and making out a little.  He was already sexually experienced thanks to a single mom on his block who took it upon herself to deflower all the cute teenagers nearby.  He was getting tired of waiting for me to be ready while I demanded he be loyal only to me.  One night I was driving him back to his house and he was drinking beer in the car.  This was beer he was supposed to be bringing home to his father (long story, don’t ask), but he decided to drink the whole six pack on the way home.

When we got to his house he told me to pull into the alley around the back so we could make out a little.  It was late and I wanted to go home, but he insisted and I hated to say no because it would lead to a horrible argument.  To avoid that, I agreed.  So there we were, sitting in my car, in a dark alley, when Bryan said he was tired of waiting for me to be ready and wanted to have sex right there and then, in the car.  I protested saying that was not how I wanted to lose my virginity!  How horribly unromantic.  He started to get angry and I got really uncomfortable.  He got more aggressive and insistent, pulling down his pants to show me the goods.  But with all the alcohol in his system he seemed to be having a hard time getting an erection.  I laughed at him.  That was my fatal mistake.  Above all else, Bryan hated appearing foolish in any way, shape or form.  If you made fun of Bryan you were as good as dead.  Before I knew what was happening, he punched me really hard across the face.  I saw a blue spark of electricity upon impact, and then darkness.  As I came to, I noticed three things at roughly the same time.  First, I couldn’t move my arms at all.  My head was lolled to the side and I couldn’t move it.  Second, I noticed I was crying, that there were tears streaming down my face. And third, Bryan was having sex with me.  I tried so hard to move, but it was like the electrical system in my body was shorted out.  I couldn’t lift my arms or speak.  I could only lay there waiting for it to be over.  It didn’t take long.  He ejaculated.  That seemed to calm him right down.  As the moments passed, my brain was booting up, and I was finally able to move again.  I was so dazed, I don’t think I could even form a sentence.  I remember looking at him and he actually looked remorseful.  But that didn’t last.  He pulled up his pants, patted me on the head, opened the car door, said, “I love you.  I’ll see you tomorrow” and hopped the fence into his backyard, and off he went.

My thought at that moment was, “What the hell just happened to me?”  I was sitting there alone trying to piece together what happened.  This is the part that’s going to sound crazy.  I wasn’t sure if I’d been raped or not.  Back in those days there was no date rape.  No one was talking about rape much at all.  There was no discussion of domestic violence back then either.  My only thought was, “Shoot, I shouldn’t have angered him so much.  Look what happened.  I’d better be more careful next time.”  My other thought was that he didn’t seem to think he’d done anything wrong, otherwise why would he tell me he loved me, pat me on the head, and take off like nothing bad had happened?

I pulled myself together, got into the driver’s seat, and drove slowly home.  By the time I got home I felt something odd going on down there.  When I looked, there was blood and semen pooled in my underwear.  I snuck into my house, hoping everyone was asleep, and took a shower.  There was a red mark on my face where he’d punched me.  I cried myself to sleep, unsure what tomorrow would bring.  I felt ashamed and humiliated.  I retreated into a shell, broken.

Classic Abusive Relationship Coming Right Up
The day after the rape he acted like nothing had happened so I just decided to forget about it.  I didn’t want to be a rape victim and deal with all of that so I rationalized it all away.  I stayed with Bryan for three and a half years.  Yes, you read that right.  For three and a half years, I was part of a violent, sexually and emotionally abusive relationship.  I learned what his triggers were and made sure I didn’t trigger him.  He was always careful not to hit me in places that would show the bruises.  He went to work on my self esteem, telling me I was no good and no one else would want me.  He isolated me from all my friends, until the only friends we had left were his.  He was possessive, jealous, and angry all the time.  He often accused me of sleeping with other people, though I never did because frankly, sex disgusted me so why would I want to have sex with anyone?  We continued to have sex very regularly, sometimes three times per day.  During sex I would just tune him out.  He was usually done in a minute or so.  My pleasure was never his concern.  I just wanted it to be over asap.  If I ever tried to refuse having sex with him he would either argue me into submission or just pull me into the bedroom and have at it.  Did I mention how muscular he was?  I was never a match for his physical strength.

But I had a few things going for me.  First, he was so conciliatory after hurting me, that he actually handed all the power back to me for a short while.  I would use this mercilessly to get him to do what I wanted.  This was not healthy, but it was the only time I had power in the relationship.  Second, I made all the money and he made none, so he was dependent on me financially.  This gave me some control since if he wanted anything he had to ask me for it.  I would use that to keep him in line sometimes.  And third, we lived in separate homes, so when necessary I could stay away from him for a little while. 

None of my family knew what was happening, but none of my family liked Bryan too much.  We were good at hiding our situation.  I thought this was how all relationships were.  My friends noticed he would sometimes punch me in the arm, but I would act like it was no big deal and they would keep quiet.  None of my friends ever wanted to challenge Bryan because his fists usually did the talking for him.  I would sometimes think about breaking up with Bryan but whenever I brought it up he would cry and get so upset, and he’d tell me he couldn’t live without me.  In fact, it got to the point where he told me if I ever tried to leave him, he would kill me and my family, and then kill himself.  I believed him.  He had no less than a dozen weapons in his possession from knives, to crossbows, and even a gun.

The Bright Side of Bryan
If things were all bad all the time, I surely would have left him.  But there was another side to Bryan.  He was very protective of me.  No one could hurt me but him.  If anyone gave me any kind of problem in life, Bryan would handle it.  He argued with my parents a lot.  They eventually banned me from seeing him, but that didn’t help as it only meant I had to sneak out of the house to see him.  I knew my parents wouldn’t kill me for doing that, and I felt Bryan might kill me if I didn’t.  There were times when Bryan put his own life in danger to protect me.  Uh, usually the danger was because Bryan was picking a fight with someone, or we were somewhere sort of seedy, but he was still willing to take a knife in the gut to protect me.

Bryan was exceptionally intelligent.  He blew me out of the water when it came to grades and studying, and I was no slouch!  His teachers loved him.  He was a prized pupil.  I loved role playing with Bryan and our friends.  We’d spend hours upon hours at a time just role playing.  As long as we were around other people, Bryan acted the part of a good boyfriend.  It was only when we were alone and fighting that things turned ugly.  I learned to just deal with it, afraid to break up with him.  I had such low self esteem, and I figured I was lucky to have a guy in my life at all.  Even though he was very possessive, I took this as a sign of devotion.

The Sorority
Bryan and I both went to the same college.  During my sophomore year I wanted to join the sorority that my twin sister had joined.  Bryan didn’t want me to be in a sorority because he felt it would take time away from him.  But I really wanted to do it so he relented (yes I had to get his permission to do almost everything).  He warned me, however, that if I got so involved with my sorority that I started to neglect him that I would have to quit.  I became my pledge class president, and I thought he’d be angry but he actually seemed proud of me.  What he didn’t realize was that the sorority would eventually lead to the escape of his most prized possession: me. 

There was a girl in my sorority who apparently was in an abusive relationship of her own.  We discovered each other’s secret one night when we double dated.  She asked me if my boyfriend hit me and I found out that hers hit her.  We commiserated together.  It was the first time I ever found someone in the same boat as me.  One day she came to me and told me she’d left her abusive boyfriend and that I should leave mine.  She explained what an abusive relationship was, because at this point I still had no idea I was even in one.  I got so angry at her.  It was like I was sitting in a jail cell with her, happy for the company, and she got up and tried the door only to find it unlocked.  She left our happy, safe little cell and encouraged me to leave too.  But I was too afraid.  So I pushed her out of my life and pretended she didn’t exist.  But it nagged at me.  This idea that you could leave the relationship was alien to me. 

The more time and energy I put into the sorority, the more power, courage, and authority I started to have.  My self esteem improved.  I took on officer positions and got things done.  People encouraged me, people praised me, and I started to find my will again.  Bryan started noticing that I would back talk more often, that I wasn’t in line anymore, and he started to hate the sorority.

The Ultimatum
Finally things were coming to a head.  One weekend, our sorority Rush weekend, I told Bryan I couldn’t see him at all because there were going to be tons and tons of parties.  From Friday to Monday I was going to be 100% committed to the sorority Rush events.  He said, “But I need you to drive me and Brandon to the opening of a new movie on Saturday.” (I was his ride everywhere he needed to go).  I told him I couldn’t take him and his friend to a movie because I would be fined $50 for every party I missed and to find his own ride or take the frakkin’ bus.  He said, “I don’t give a damn how much it costs you.  I want to see this movie on this day and time and you’re going to take me.”  I protested, “But there are 8 parties, so that’s $400 I’ll have to pay if I take you to a movie you can see any other day.  Is that what you want me to do?”  He said, “Make your choice.  It’s the sorority or me.”  He hung up on me, confident I would choose him, as I had always done in the past.  I spent the entire night awake trying to figure out what to do.  The biggest internal battle raged inside me.  I thought he was being completely unreasonable in his request.  I kept remembering his threats to kill me and my family if I ever broke up with him.  I cried, I freaked out, I didn’t want to let my sorority sisters down.  But denying Bryan his request would be inviting certain death.  What to do?

Finally I made my decision.  I called him at 5:30 in the morning because I couldn’t wait another minute.  He got groggily on the phone.  I said, “Bryan, I never want to see you again.”  He said, “What?”  I repeated, “I never want to see you again.  I’d rather be dead than spend another minute with you.”  I waited for the tirade.  I was actually prepared to die if I had to.  I was done.  He tried pleading with me, threatening me, and reasoning with me, but my decision had been made and I knew I wouldn’t change my mind.  He threatened to kill me and I told him that if he felt that strongly about it, to go right ahead.  Inside I flinched, but I stayed strong.  To everything he said, I simply replied, “I never want to see you again.”  It was like stabbing him in the heart with a dagger.  Eventually I had to tell him our phone call was over and hung up on him.  I immediately broke down crying, but I was happy.  I was free.  No matter what he did to me now, I would die free if that’s what it came to.

I called his friends and told them we broke up and asked them to please not pick Bryan up and bring him to my house.  I went to my sorority event, a total wreck from being up all night crying, and I came home watchful.  I looked over my shoulder for days, and then weeks.  He never came by.  He didn’t try to call me.  I thought maybe I was going to make it through the break-up unscathed.

The Letter
One day a letter arrived in the mail.  My mom intercepted it and read it.  Big mistake.  It was 27 pages of Bryan ranting and raving at me.  It started off with begging.  “Please come back to me.  I promise I’ll treat you better.”  And segued into “You god damn bitch.  Who do you think you are for leaving me?  If I can’t have you, no one will!”  My mom of course got really upset when she read this.  I assured her it was some prank and that Bryan wasn’t going to come and kill us all in our sleep, as he’d threatened in the letter.  But I was a nervous wreck wondering when I’d be on the receiving end of his knife or gun. 

Healing
I healed.  I slowly got my life back together.  One thing that helped me tremendously was finding out that Bryan had been cheating on me much of the time we were together.  I had no idea!  When we broke up, he went to her immediately, and found solace in her arms.  I think that girl saved my life, actually.  He had someone else lined up in case things went south with me.  I was so grateful he’d been cheating on me.  Crazy as that sounds.  I was 20 years old when I left Bryan.  By the time I was 23 I had found my personal power, confidence, and strength.  I’d dated a few guys, but nothing terribly serious.  And I met Steve.  Over the years, Steve helped me heal the damage my relationship with Bryan had done.  I had sexual hang ups, anxiety, and control issues.  I used to have dreams that Bryan would sneak into my home and kill me and my husband and children.  Steve patiently helped me deal with the aftermath of the abusive relationship, and he helped me understand how I ended up spending three and a half years with an abusive boyfriend.

The Understanding
It took me years but I finally understood what happened.  The piece of information I’ve yet to reveal is about Bryan’s mother.  When Bryan was a young boy, I think he was 9 if I remember correctly, his mom left home with Bryan’s sister, in the middle of the night.  Imagine it.  Imagine your mom taking off with only your sister and not you, in the middle of the night, without saying good bye.  That crushed his spirit.  He must have been wondering what was so terrible about him that his own mother would leave him behind and take only his sister with her.  For many years he had no contact with his mother, so angry was he at her.  Bryan suffered from extreme abandonment issues.  This is why he clung so possessively to me, why he threatened to kill me and kill himself if I ever left him, and why he had other women lined up in case I should leave him.

I came to a point in my adult life where I completely understood how Bryan and I ended up in an abusive situation.  He was angry and afraid, which led to the violence. He couldn’t bear to be left by someone who loved him.  He did what he had to to keep his relationship with me secure.  He used control, violence, emotional manipulation, and sometimes even devotion, loyalty, and love.  And I stayed in the relationship because I had low self esteem, I was a rescuer, and couldn’t imagine abandoning someone in pain.  We were a total vibrational match for that relationship.

Forgiveness
Steve helped me understand that it takes two people making a choice to be in an abusive relationship.  Initially I blamed Bryan for everything.  Then I blamed myself for staying with him when I had the choice to leave any time I wanted.  I was all for giving up control of my life to someone else, and Bryan was a perfect match to take control of my life and my will.  Eventually I came to realize that we were both young and inexperienced.  I couldn’t rescue him and he couldn’t overcome his feelings of anger and abandonment.  He needed professional help but got none.  I went through a process of forgiving Bryan for everything that happened between us.  I no longer blamed either of us.  I just had understanding.  Then came the compassion for the little boy whose mom abandoned him in the middle of the night and went off and created new children without him.  His father also remarried and had new children.  Bryan had no one.

Getting Closure
In my 20’s I had a chance contact with Bryan, thanks to some mutual friends who were discussing me with him one night at dinner.  On the phone with me he admitted to raping me and apologized sincerely for it.  That he even admitted it was a big part of my healing.  In my early 30’s I thought about contacting Bryan to tell him that I had forgiven him for everything and to show him I understood why things went down the way they went down.  I knew he lived in Portland, but I couldn’t find any contact information for him anywhere.  I figured that one day we would eventually have our conversation.  But that wasn’t to be.

Death Comes Marching In
In February of this year an old friend contacted me to ask if I’d heard the news.  Bryan had killed himself during a police stand-off.   Here is the short version of the story as it was relayed to me.  After we broke up, Bryan went to graduate school and became a social worker who did wonderful things with war veterans related to post traumatic stress disorder.  He fell in love with a woman who had three children and married her.  He helped her fight to get sole custody of her children.  This put him in significant debt.  He decided he wanted to leave his job and go become a fiction writer (something I think he would have been enormously successful doing).  But the stress of debt and the custody battle, and possibly some depression, caused him to check himself into a mental institution for a little while.  When he left after a few weeks he was just getting back on his feet.  His wife was on her way to the pharmacy to pick up medication for him after speaking to someone on a mental health line.  The mental health line worker decided to initiate a suicide check, so police were dispatched to Bryan’s home to “check on him.”  Bryan wasn’t a big fan of the police.  He was really into survival, so he was always prepared in case he needed to survive after a nuclear war or to run from the police.  So when the police arrived he got upset, afraid, and angry when they wouldn’t leave.  He barricaded himself in his house, got out one of his rifles, and trained it out the window towards the cops. 

The cops decided they had a “gunman” on their hands, cleared the street, and called the SWAT team.  Bryan called his wife who was on her way home.  She tried to calm him down, but the police took the phone away from her, shoved her in the back of a police car, and refused to let her try to talk him down.  This agitated Bryan even more.  He held his position for 8 hours, and finally gave up, shooting himself and ending his tumultuous life.  He was 39 years old.

Coping With Bryan’s Death
When I heard the news I became very sad.  He didn’t deserve that kind of end.  All he wanted was to be loved, unconditionally, by someone who cared about him.  I couldn’t even imagine what kind of fear he was feeling during the 8 hours he was alone, isolated, and holed up in his house.  He probably figured he was going to jail no matter what, since he’d pulled a gun on the cops.  At the very least, they’d probably commit him to an institution for treatment or monitoring.  You never wanted to back Bryan into a corner.  He’d take the extreme way out if he had to.

I’ve sat with this news for weeks.  I spoke to our old friend, John, who helped me put together many of the pieces of Bryan’s final years on Earth.  I’m told Bryan received awards and accolades for his work with war veterans.  His memorial service brought more than 100 people to his side, eulogizing him for the caring, compassionate person he’d been to them.  I’d like to think Bryan finally found love in his life.

The Afterlife
So the first thing on my mind was trying to connect with Bryan on the other side to see how he was doing.  In the case of suicide I sometimes find people who go to a very dark place and rehash their suicide over and over again.  But I couldn’t find him.  I know other mediums have mentioned that when people close to them die it can take months or even years to get communication.  I think it’s hard when you’re so close.  But I kept my antenna attuned for Bryan.

Yesterday I finally had the communication from him that I’d been seeking.  He is definitely in a good place mentally.  He radiated wisdom, understanding, compassion, and a little bit of chagrin.  He is whole again, totally reintegrated with his higher self.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in such a state of peace.  We talked about our relationship.  He told me that I probably saved his life back then because I gave him love so unconditionally.  No, it wasn’t a healthy love, but he told me I probably saved him from committing suicide in his late teens.  This gave him the chance to go on and help so many others in his work, and to get to a place where he could understand compassion and love himself.  He thanked me for anchoring him to this world during a troubled time in his life when he felt completely unworthy of love.

The last thing he did was to carefully lift away the energetic cord that connected our heart chakras and let it fall gently to the ground.  He smiled and told me our karma was complete and that I didn’t need to carry that heavy weight around anymore.  We shared an energetic moment of love, and then he was gone.  I don’t know if I’ll have more contact with him in the future, but I’m grateful for the contact we did have.

And so I close that chapter of my life.  I have no regrets.  I learned important lessons from my relationship with Bryan.  Lessons about love, understanding, compassion, and forgiveness.

Rest in peace, dear one.  You will not be forgotten.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

Answer:  When you cross over the chances are excellent you’ll be greeted by your loved ones.  That’s sort of a loaded sentence so let me break it down into its component parts.

First, when you cross over you might be greeted by deceased loved ones, or angels, or your spirit guides, or even God or Jesus, depending on your beliefs, desires, and expectations at the time of your demise.

Second, if you are greeted by deceased family members, some of them may be people who were abusive towards you while you were both alive, and sometimes those people aren’t there when you cross over.  Let me explain that further.

When abusive people cross over they have the same life review that everyone has, where they get to see the effect of their behavior on the people they affected.  They are given the opportunity to forgive themselves for their behavior.  Some choose to forgive, others can’t forgive themselves and healing must happen.   When they are done with their life review and done processing everything that happened in that incarnation, they merge back with their higher self, and go join the other energies in the afterlife.  Reunions are had, love is expressed, I hear there’s coffee and donuts.

So when you cross over, that abusive person you knew is no longer as they were when you knew them.  You may choose not to connect with them, but you will be able to sense their higher self, not that lower, incarnated, abusive self.  Still, you get your life review, you do your processing, and then you decide who you will share your energy with on the other side.  My personal advice is to stay open because you might find something you weren’t expecting on the other side.

Having said all of that, there are occasions when abusive people cannot forgive themselves for the suffering they caused.  They sometimes have a hard time fully crossing over and embracing their higher self.  I’ve seen people on the other side, usually people who have committed suicide and are filled with regret, shame, or guilt, who are not hanging out happily with their other deceased loved ones.  I’ve done readings where I can see one part of a family coming through together, and another relative off to the side, who appears not to be connected with the core family.  I personally feel sad when I see that, but such is life.  They will eventually heal and end up where they need to go.

So to sum up:  You don’t have to communicate or have contact with anyone on the other side that you don’t want to, but I think when you arrive you’ll find a different person than you were expecting.  We’re human, we make mistakes, we make bad choices sometimes.  Sometimes those choices negatively affect others.  It’s all about forgiveness.  I urge you to forgive an abusive parent.  It helps them heal, and it helps you heal.  During your own life review you’ll gain some perspective on how they became abusive.  Understanding is the first step towards forgiving.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

Do you have a friend or relative who seems to be hanging on to life even though they are suffering terribly or are in such a state of decline that their quality of life is practically zero?  What can you do to help them?  Pour over medical books and try to find a cure for what ails them?  Push them to persevere despite their pain and suffering?  Maybe.  Or maybe you need to have a conversation with them and let them know that it’s okay to go.  Sometimes that’s all people are waiting for, the green light, the go-ahead, the thumbs up.  Can you give them that gift?

On a soul level, people choose their time to die.  On some level, we know when we’re done.  But sometimes people hang on long after they’ve chosen to cross over.  Why would they do that?  One reason is fear.  Many people simply fear death.  Some people fear God’s judgment, while others who don’t believe in an afterlife cling to their life because they don’t want to disappear forever.

Another reason people hang on is because of family.  Sometimes people don’t want to leave their loved ones because they believe their family will be lost without them (financially, emotionally, etc.).  But when it’s time to go, it’s time to go.  You can delay it for days, months, or even years, but usually you’re suffering needlessly.  Get your affairs in order and pack your bags.  You’re going to the other side at some point.  Go when you’re ready, but don’t overstay your time here.

If you are the relative or friend of someone who is hanging on beyond their time, you can help them make their transition by giving them permission or encouragement to cross over.  Let them know you’ll be okay without them.  Let them know they don’t need to stay.  If they’re afraid, help them understand that they will be met on the other side by loved ones and the most intense love and joy they could ever imagine.  Prepare them for their journey.

Years ago I helped my grandmother make the decision to cross over. She resisted it for years.  She suffered through cancer and a heart attack, and was living in a retirement home.  Her husband was already dead.  At night, he and I would have conversations with her soul and let her know it was okay to cross over and that her time in this incarnation had come to an end.  She was afraid to let go.  She was afraid to die.  We encouraged her many times, but she just wasn’t ready.  Finally one night she gave us a different answer.  She had made her decision and told us she was ready to go.  Three days later we got word that my grandmother died, in her sleep, no discernible cause.  She just slipped away.  She joined my grandfather on the other side, whole and complete, no longer afraid or suffering.

One of the kindest things you can do for another human being is to give them permission to die when it’s their time to go and they are suffering.  There is no need to rail against the dying of the light, because what is on the other side is like going home.  It’s beautiful, loving, and whole.  Don’t anchor people’s energy here by keeping them on life support for months or years.  You’re keeping them from peace.  It’s hard to let go, yes.  But remember that they’re not really going anywhere.  They’re just sloughing off their physical shell.  They are intact and whole on the other side.  You can still communicate with them, still love them, and one day you’ll see them again.

Honor those you love by releasing the emotional tether that holds them to Earth.  Honor those you love by giving them permission to let go and cross over.  Let them know they have nothing to fear and that you’ll be just fine without them.  You will.  In time.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

First, I announced on my blog that I was developing my psychic abilities to a point where I could actually begin doing readings for people.  I blogged about my awakening and my experience on the Criss Angel MindFreak show.  I was off and running, I was happy, congruent, and really proud of myself.  At the same time this was happening, I was still running my online magazine, VegFamily.  I was also doing web consulting and programming, and I had an independent publishing company.  I announced on VegFamily that I was a psychic medium and that if anyone wanted a reading, to go to my new site.  This was the beginning of the end of my naiveté.

I immediately got a bunch of nasty emails from readers who told me I was doing the devil’s work, and that the Bible expressly prohibited them from interacting with me in any way, shape, or form.  They told me they were going to stop reading the magazine, even though they’d been loyal readers for years and found the information great.  That surprised me. 

Then I got an email from a woman who had contributed several articles to the site over the years – a  woman I had exchanged many pleasant emails with – who asked me to remove all of her articles from the site because I was going against the Lord and working for Satan.  I wrote back to her for clarification since I had no awareness of what she was talking about.  She sent back a lot of quoted scripture and there is indeed a passage in the Bible that says you’re not supposed to truck with mediums and you should stone them on sight.  I’m glad she lived in another state.   I got into it with her for a few exchanges because I wanted to sincerely understand how she could be my friend one day and the next want to shun me. For her, what it came down to was that she was a devout follower of the Bible and the Bible expressly stated to her that she could not have any contact with me.  I wished her well in her life and we parted ways permanently.  I think what shocked me most was that I felt I was being unfairly and harshly judged by vegans, who were no strangers to harsh judgment from family, friends, and society.   Shouldn’t they have known better?

Next, a couple of my web clients stopped doing business with me because I was a psychic.  And some members of the vegan community with whom I’d been doing business suddenly stopped responding to my emails.  None of them called me devil-spawn, they just drifted away or gave me the cold shoulder.  So coming out publicly as a psychic negatively impacted my businesses and to some extent my income. 

Then there were the friends.  I don’t have many religious friends so I wasn’t expecting any kind of negative response from them regarding my new profession.  I was wrong though.  There was a new problem to contend with.  It took me a while to figure out why some of my friends and acquaintances were treating me so coldly.  I found out quite by accident that they were wondering why I’d turned to a life of crime.  Yes, crime!  Apparently, and I’m not sure you’re aware of this, all psychics are frauds, charlatans, and criminals who prey on people who are gullible enough to think that psychic abilities and talking to dead people is even possible.  Yes, that’s right.  These people thought I was actually, and quite deliberately, turning to a life of crime.  I can’t blame them for not wanting to associate with a criminal, except for one problem, I wasn’t a criminal!  This actually hurt me a lot more than the religious issue.  I’m used to some religious people turning a blind eye to their own intuition in favor of what’s fed to them via holy scripture.  I’m not used to being thought of as a criminal though.  That took some time for me to digest.  Rather than try to understand how I was developing my psychic abilities, they found it much more believable that I had simply decided to rip people off.  Some friends, right?  I recall one day asking one of my friends if he thought I was fraudulently ripping people off and he said, “I know you believe you’re psychic, and I know you’re not trying to rip people off, but everyone knows psychic abilities aren’t real so I think you’re probably deluded but not intentionally trying to hurt anyone.”  Gee, thanks.  Over the years he’s really come around, though, and thinks I just have an uncanny ability to accurately name people’s dead relatives and tell people what they do for a living without them telling me first.  He uses words like “lucky guess” and “coincidence” a lot.

I started to have concerns about even calling myself a psychic because of all the negative connotations built into the group.  To be fair, there really are a lot of frauds, charlatans, and criminals in this industry, and that’s a real shame, but let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water.  Not everyone who claims to be psychic is a criminal or fraud.  It reminds me of when I joined a sorority and my non-sorority friends thought that all sorority girls were vapid sluts only interested in hair, make-up and the size of frat boy bulges.  Lordy, people. 

So, long story short, I lost a lot of friends and apparently credibility when I came out as a psychic.  It wasn’t all bad though.  There were some unexpected positives.

My family has been incredibly supportive and proud of my work as a psychic medium.  My dad is so cute, he tells everyone about his psychic daughter.  He carries my cards around with him and gives them to everyone: the dental hygienist, the mail carrier, his business contacts, and friends.  In fact, my mom had to tell him to tone it down a bit as they came to find what I found, that some of these people thought I was a criminal too.  I think my dad was just as surprised to find this out as I was.  They started having uncomfortable situations with their own friends when my name was brought up. 

My sister has run into this problem too when she tells her friends that she has a psychic sister.  They all want to know why I haven’t won the lottery yet.  So for some, it’s just purely the fact that they know nothing about how psychic abilities work that cause them to suspect I am being less than honest.  I think the fact that my family has known about my psychic gifts for my entire life has helped them see that becoming a professional psychic was a natural progression for me.  They know I’m not a criminal or fraud and it’s hard for them understand why others think I am.

My aunt and cousin are also exceptionally supportive of me.  Sometimes when I’m in Los Angeles I do my in-person readings in their home.  Steve’s family has also been supportive.  I was concerned as they are very religious, but apparently their priest told them it was okay as I am using my gift to help others and because I believe my gift comes from God/Source, as I wrote about in my blog entry, But Where’s the Love?

I told Steve at one point that coming out publicly as a psychic medium must be somewhat similar to how homosexuals feel when they come out publicly.  You have to deal with and accept the fact that some people will shun you because of their beliefs about your “group.”  I have great compassion and respect for people who proudly share their real selves with the world, knowing it will probably create a disconnect with some people in their lives.  But it is only by fully sharing who we really are that we can begin to bring down the walls of preconception and challenge people to get to know us before deciding what we are.

If you are a fellow psychic, what has been your experience of coming out publicly?  Or do you only tell certain people?  What reactions have you received, and how have you dealt with any negative judgment?  If you’ve come out as a homosexual or anything that is sometimes perceived as an abomination or against the Bible or social norms, what has been your experience?  What words of wisdom can you share with others who are considering coming out?

All I can say is that coming out of my own closet was really eye-opening for me.  I discovered that even intelligent people can make assumptions that are not based on personal observation but just on preconceived ideas about a group.  This is wrong.  It’s wrong for all of us.  Guard against this at all costs as it’s very damaging to society as a whole.

To the budding young psychics out there who are considering becoming a professional psychic, know going into this that you may lose some friends, that some people who claim to love you may disconnect from you.  But if your heart is aligned with this truth you have nothing to be ashamed of.  Let people have their reactions, let them walk their own path, but don’t hide who you are.  We can’t change people’s beliefs about psychics by staying hidden or underground.  Be honest and forthright in all your dealings.  Perhaps in time we can repair our damaged reputation, and help people see we are truly aligned with love.  Even with all the negativity, the loss of friends, the damaged relationships, the harsh and critical emails from total strangers, I wouldn’t trade my path for anything.  It’s been an incredibly rich and rewarding journey, really a dream come true.

Now where did I put that broom?  I’ve got some flying to do.

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.

Answer:  As you mentioned, I wrote an article in the past called Picking Our Parents and Life Circumstances which discusses the process by which we select suitable parents who will help us accomplish our goals in life, either by being great models of what we are to learn or by challenging us.  But do parents choose their kids too?

I’ve learned a lot about how this works while doing intuitive readings for people, because I can see the circumstances surrounding impending births.  In fact, while we always choose our parents and life situation, we don’t always choose what children we will have.  I’ve seen several variations in the ether.

The first situation I’ll describe is when you and your child’s soul choose each other before you’re both born.  So both of your souls are in the ether and you make a deal, a contract, a decision that one of you will be the parent and one of you will be the child.  The parent soul incarnates, does their thing, and when the time comes, if the circumstances are still right, the child soul will become your child (either through pregnancy or adoption, it will get to you somehow!).  Deal done.

In the second situation I’ve seen, an incarnated person makes a contract with a soul that has yet to incarnate.  You probably don’t do this consciously, though I’ve known people who were aware of their contracts even though they were already incarnated.  Usually it’s your higher self or the child’s guides who work out the arrangements, much as I described in my article on Choosing Your Parents.  In this case, the child sort of has the upper hand because they chose you, and you are not consciously choosing this particular soul, but are instead trusting your higher self and guides to find an appropriate soul to be your child.

I’ve also had people ask me during readings if they are destined to have children.  In some cases I can see they’ve made a contract with a child before incarnating so I tell them that yes, indeed, there is a child contracted to come to you.  I can usually pick up on details around the arrangement, like why they chose you as a parent and what they’re waiting for. 

I’ve also read for people that have no contract with a child soul at all.  In this case, you’ve decided to incarnate but did not decide in advance if you yourself would someday be a parent.  It becomes a choice for you later.  If you decide you want a child, you request one from the ether.  One may not come to you, though.  Again, circumstances have to be right for the child to choose you as its parent.  If a child does come to you, it has been deemed appropriate by the child’s soul, your higher self, and the guides.  If you decide you don’t want a child, you’re not breaking any karmic contracts by refusing to have children.

Does the child have a contract with just one parent or both?  In some cases I’ve seen that the child appears to have a contract with just one parent, but the circumstances are just fine with the other soon-to-be parent as well.  Sometimes during readings I have said, “Oh this is your challenging child, the one you have karma to work out with.”  And my sitter usually confirms that they are aware of their particular “issues” and that the other parent doesn’t seem to have the same issues to work out with that child.  However, sometimes the contract is made with both parents.  I usually only see that when the contract is made after the two parents are together.

Can contracts be broken?  You betcha!  Remember, once we incarnate, we have free will.  You can decide you don’t want to fulfill a contract with a child.  I see it all the time.  Life can be very challenging and you may decide that bringing a child into the world isn’t in your or its best interests.  Sometimes the child decides to break the contract because your life circumstances have changed to the point where it doesn’t think it’s going to learn the lessons it wants to learn.  No hard feelings here, though.  The child will find other suitable parents or decide to skip incarnating.  If you have a soul connection with the child, you’ll see it again when you disincarnate.

What about siblings?  Do they choose to incarnate together?  Yes, I see this frequently too.  In fact, I knew that both of my children had chosen to incarnate as siblings.  They have a contract with each other to go through life as siblings.  Their spiritual bond is very strong, there is some reason they chose to incarnate together.  Sometimes siblings don’t have a contract though.  The dynamics of this are wide and varied.

While we’re on the subject, sometimes I see deceased family members holding babies.  It took a while for me to discern whether these were babies destined to become family members or deceased babies who maybe died in utero, were aborted, or who died as infants.  I still get confused sometimes.  If you have lost a baby, trust me when I tell you that your baby is not alone in the ether.  He or she is with family or with angels, or perhaps even waiting for another chance at being a member of your family.  And yes, sometimes babies that don’t make it through the first time come back at a more suitable time.

If you are having difficulty getting pregnant or otherwise having a child, please consider that you either have no contract with a child, or the timing simply isn’t right for a child.  It could also be that your guides haven’t found the right child for you.  Work on becoming a vibrational match for this desire if you’re not already.  And be sure to watch for signs that maybe you’re supposed to adopt or become a foster parent, etc.  There are many ways to be a parent, and there are so many children out there in need of love.

Dreams of your future children are common too.  It’s their way of saying, “I’m coming!  Please wait for me.”  Or in some cases, “Can you please have sex?  Give me a shot for Heaven’s sake!” 

© 2009 by Erin Pavlina.