Time and again I’ve noticed that when I play it safe, very little changes.  I make no progress towards my goals, and if that goes on too long I even start to feel stuck.  The river of your life is a constantly moving entity, pulling and tugging at you, trying to get you to your destination.  Your destination is whatever goal you’ve currently filed with the Universe.   If you don’t like your destination, submit a “change of destination” form.  But don’t sit in your boat in the river and resist the current.  It wastes time and energy. 

Often we know what our next move is but we’re simply too afraid to take it.  Sometimes courage is required.  Sometimes you have to be daring.  Sometimes you just have to say, “What the hell… I’m doing it!” and deal with the consequences.  You don’t have to run off half-cocked though.  You can take a moment to aim.  But don’t take too long.  It’s better to take a shot at something and fail then never to try at all.  In my own life, I’ve definitely seen that when I take risks they always pay off.  Not necessarily the way I thought they would, but if I fail I get a learning experience.  Don’t be afraid to fail, otherwise you’re saying you’re afraid to learn.

Imagine if you went to the shooting range for the first time.  You hold the gun tentatively in your hand, lift it to eye level, use the site to take aim at your target and fire a shot.  What’s the likelihood you’ll hit a bullseye on your first shot?  Probably pretty small.  What if you keep shooting?  Will you get better?  Of course.  What if you get instruction from someone who already knows how to shoot?  You’ll do even better when you take your own shot.  What if you learn all you can about shooting and you practice and practice?  Eventually you will hit that bullseye.  Eventually you will accomplish your goal and get where you want to go.

Last week I decided to do something I’ve always been a little afraid to do.  I wanted to face the fear head-on and see what happened.  What I did last week actually illustrates the point I made above in a pretty literal way.  I went to the gun range with a friend who taught me how to shoot a hand gun.  I know, I know… what is Erin the spiritual guru doing with a gun?  That’s pretty far from “Spiritual Wisdom for Conscious People” right?  Nah.  I’ve always been interested in self-defense, disaster preparation, and protecting myself and my loved ones.  Two decades ago I had a boyfriend who taught me how to shoot a rifle, use nunchucks and throwing stars, and how to shoot a bow.  I’ve always been fascinated, but responsible.  I filmed my trip to the gun range; you can watch it below.

(Note: First video I’m posting to YouTube.  Be kind; I’ll get better over time.  Please subscribe to my channel for future video updates if you’re a YouTube member: www.youtube.com/erinpavlinadotcom)

I challenge you to take aim at a goal you’ve been putting off and take your best shot.  Nothing is gained by procrastination.  Go out and fail a little, try a little, improve a little.  Keep shooting.  Keep learning.  Don’t stop until you reach your goal!

The other bit of information you need to know about me in order to fully understand and appreciate the story I’m about to tell you is that while I am pretty darn successful in the areas of Love, Truth, and Oneness, I’ve had to really work over the years at getting better at Authority, Power, and Courage.  I’ve had to overcome panic disorder, being too dependent on my parents well into adulthood, and letting other people tell me what I should be doing with my life.  And while I’ve made significant strides in the area of Authority, Power, and Courage over the years (some of my friends can’t even believe how far I’ve come) I still have a lot to learn.

Okay, you’ve got the background.  Here’s the story of how I recently went up a level in Courage, Power and Authority.

As I mentioned, I joined Toastmasters three years ago because I knew at some point I’d find myself up on stage speaking to large crowds.  I figured I might as well get a jump on becoming a better speaker so that when I actually did take the stage I didn’t die of fright.  I’ve done well in Toastmasters, earning my first educational award – Competent Communicator – and taking on officer positions within my club to improve my leadership abilities.  In January of 2009 I became President of my Toastmaster club, Voice Links.  I did this because I’ve never been the leader of an organization or group (though I’ve taken the Vice President position many times) and I wanted to have the experience of being the person in charge, the leader, the head honcho, the buck stopper.  I had great success being President of my club, I learned a lot about delegation, managing others, and being a leader.  I was told by several members that I was one of the best Presidents the club had ever had.  I preened.  I felt good.  I stepped down.  Yes, I stepped down as President even though I could have remained for another 6 months.  I did this because the job wasn’t challenging for me anymore and I’ve learned that if I get too comfortable it means it’s time for a greater challenge.

I am a member of another club, Powerhouse Pros, which happens to be the largest club in our district with over 50 members, and is more geared towards people who are interested in becoming professional speakers.  This is the club Steve’s been in for years.  I was asked to take on the position of VP of Membership for the upcoming term, which I agreed to do because I knew it would be a challenge and a growth experience, which is what I’m actively seeking right now.  But the day after I stepped down as President of Voice Links, I was asked if I was willing to become President of Powerhouse Pros.  The thought terrified me, honestly, because I didn’t feel ready to take over a club that had had such recent massive growth and a club where people were actually using it to become professional speakers.   I’d only been in the club 8 months myself!  But I realized that I had to face this challenge because it was exactly what I asked for.  I had to feel the fear and do it anyway.  I had to step into a role I didn’t feel quite ready for because those are the situations that provide us with the most growth.  Steve had a good chortle at how the universe pushed me in this direction.  And he agreed it would certainly help me in the area of Courage, Power, and Authority.  I accepted the job even though I didn’t feel ready or capable.

I was immediately catapulted into a leadership position unlike anything I experienced in my other, more laid-back club.  The difference in correspondence alone is monstrous, but managing all of these people and making sure their needs are being met is a real challenge.  I am very lucky that I have an executive board full of officers who are awesome, kick ass, and quite competent!  Once we all become accustomed to our roles, I feel our ship will sail quite smoothly.  

The transition officially takes place on July 1, but I was asked to give a speech at our June 29th meeting, awarding our outgoing president with an engraved gavel for her year of service to our club.  I wasn’t exactly expecting to have to create a tribute speech, but I accepted the challenge.  Our outgoing Vice President of Education, the person in charge of creating the agenda for each meeting, came up with the brilliant plan of us doing a Wizard of Ah’s theme, which would involve several of us acting our parts all night during the meeting.  Whoa.  Hang on.  Not what I signed up for.  Hold up!  I found myself charged with the role of the Wicked Witch who is out to fill our president’s shoes (aka the ruby slippers).  Steve got such a kick out of this idea.  He said, “Oh yeah, you gotta do it.  You totally have the Wicked Witch cackle down pat.  I’ve heard you do her voice.  You’d be a natural at it.”  I resisted, “But I’m already doing a whole speech that is sure to make me nervous.  You want me to act all night too and memorize lines and, and, and…”  He replied, “This is what you want.  A challenge.  And the universe is giving it to you.  Accept the challenge.  That’s how you go up a level.”

Shortly thereafter the universe sent several synchronicities to show me I wasn’t going to get out of this so easily.  First, Steve suddenly got an email from a woman who signed her name “Just call me the Wicked Witch of the East.”  That was synchronicity #1.  Ten minutes later I found myself at the grocery store, parked next to a vehicle with the license plate “WchyWmn.”  That was synchronicity #2.  The third synchronicity came in the form of someone on television mentioning the tornado from the Wizard of Oz movie.  I agreed to be the witch.  I had a hat and a cackle and I knew how to use them!

Now guess who they got to join me in this debacle?

John Kinde, playing the scarecrow.  John is a professional speaker, humorist, and runs an Improv Troupe here in town.  This man is the unmitigated king of observational humor.

Bryant Pergerson, playing the Tinman.  Bryant made it all the way to Toastmaster’s highest competition, the International Speech Contest, beating out nearly 25,000 other toastmasters along the way.  My man Bryant can speak like nobody’s business.

S. Frank Stringham, playing the Cowardly Lion.  S. is also a professional speaker and comedian who does an amazing impression of the Cowardly Lion.  S.  is a member of John’s Improv Troupe as well.  The man was born to be on stage and is always entertaining.

Darren LaCroix, playing the Wizard.  Darren is actually a World Champion of Public Speaking and coaches people on how to be better professional speakers.  If you want to know how to speak better, you get with Darren or buy his products.

Bill Parker, as our narrator.  Bill is a Distinguished Toastmaster, the highest level of distinction that Toastmasters offers, and is also a new member of the Improv Troupe.  He’s quite comfortable speaking and has been doing so for years.

Sherri Parker, playing Glenda, the Good Governor of the South.  Sherri is our new District Governor, a high mucky muck in the Toastmaster organization, and also a Distinguished Toastmaster who gave a keynote address at our recent Toastmaster Leadership Institute.  Girlfriend’s got it going on!

And then me.  Little old me.  Still struggling to get the butterflies to fly in formation.  It was like standing next to Tom Cruise, Robert DeNiro, Tom Hanks, Robin Williams, and Meryl Streep while they decide to throw together a little something to act out for fun. 

But hey, I’m here to learn, to get my feet wet, to challenge myself, and this was how it had to be.  I got the script for our play the morning of the performance.  I spent the day practicing my cackle and also writing up my tribute to our outgoing president.  I fed the butterflies in my stomach since they were hanging out so long, I figured they might be hungry.

I was too busy to be nervous, but occasionally throughout the day I would get stabs of adrenaline as I realized what I was going to put myself through.   The night before our meeting I had a dream about the entire event.  There turned out to be some prophetic components to this dream.  First, I dreamed that twice as many people were at the meeting than we usually have, and in the dream we ran out of chairs and it was standing room only.  I also dreamed that some of our guests were in school and had to attend a toastmaster club meeting as part of class credit.  I dreamed that our VP of Education, Bill, was late – he usually arrives first to help set up the meeting room, but in the dream he came only 10 minutes before the meeting which, at a meeting as chaotic as this was going to be, would have been a bad idea.  I also dreamed that our outgoing president, Pam, was in a bad mood and angry at our VP of Education.

All of these things I dreamed came to pass.  Our room was overflowing with all manner of people, more than 50 people showed up.  It was insane.  Several people had to stand in the back because we ran out of chairs.  Our president, Pam, was angry at Bill because the fake agenda he handed out was wrought with errors and she was annoyed with him.  Plus he was nowhere to be found as he was running unusually late.  And there were several students from the local university who came by to witness the meeting as part of one of their classes.

Back to the story …

This night turned out to be a whirlwind for me.  I successfully did Pam’s tribute.  I did a decent job as the Wicked Witch, though I spoke much faster than I should have.  Our area, division and district governors came by to do our officer installation so I was involved in that.  And finally, at the end of the meeting, Pam called me up to get feedback from our guests and to end the meeting.

Through it all, though, I had fun.  I can’t believe it, but I had fun.  Something I’d been dreading turned out to be something quite enjoyable.  By the end of the meeting I could feel a metaphorical mantle of power settle on my shoulders, and instead of weighing me down, it raised me up.  And I learned something so valuable.  When you face your fears instead of running from them, you go up a level in courage.  And if you can remember to have fun in the process, you’ll have all the power you’ll ever need.  For a moment there, I forgot all about the butterflies in my stomach.  They had stopped fluttering.  I think they were afraid of my cackle.

When Steve and I got home that night I was riding a high I haven’t had in a long time.  We sat on our couch together and watched the end of a Star Trek episode, Remember Me.  In it, Beverly Crusher is in a reality of her own making and is trying to get back home.  At one point she says, “Could it be that simple?  Just click my heels together?”  It was the final nod from my Guides.  I’d done good, and I was pleased with myself.  I know the road ahead may have some bumps, and I know the butterflies may come back, but I will face them with courage.

What could you do today that would help you level up in courage?  Where have you gotten so comfortable that it’s not even a challenge anymore?  What are you avoiding doing that you know would provide you with tremendous growth?  Follow that yellow brick road, my friend.  At the end you’ll find not a wizard, but your own power.

All throughout my childhood my dearest and closest friend was my own twin sister, Nicole.  The love between us was really strong.  Sometimes twins can end up competitive, but we were always supportive and loyal to each other.  If she was hurting, I hurt.  If I was in trouble, she’d do anything to rescue me.  We looked out for each other.

In elementary school we were separated and put in different classes in the hopes we would make friends outside just each other.  I hated that, but at least we got to spend recess and lunch together.  I was very social and made friends easily.  Nicole was more shy so she mostly hung around with me and the friends I’d made in my own class.  For a long while, this was perfect.  Until we got to junior high school.

We went to a very small magnet school.  There were only about 50 people in our entire grade.  There was a small group of popular kids and the rest were considered “outcasts” or simply lame.  Most of my friends from elementary school were in this magnet school with us, so in the beginning we continued to hang out with our old friends.  But by 8th grade, when I was about 14 years old, things started to change.  My friends started becoming popular, and I started to become popular too.  The only problem was, the popular kids didn’t like my sister.  She was too shy, too smart, too good.  The popular kids were into dating and pushing the limits of health and wellness, which is my polite way of saying they were into drugs, alcohol, and sex.

For a while I managed to straddle the fence.  I was allowed to hang out with the popular kids even though I wasn’t into alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, etc.  There were lots of parties and lots of times we would just hang out at someone’s house (especially when parents weren’t home!).  People would pair up and kiss or do other things their parents probably wouldn’t have approved of.  For some reason I was still accepted into this group even though I didn’t do any of these things, probably because they knew I wouldn’t tell.  But when my sister was around she would balk at these things, cluck in disapproval, and I think people were afraid she would tell. 

So my “friends” started making fun of my sister, and also started asking me to go places without her.  Sometimes it was easy; she didn’t always want to go or I just wouldn’t tell her exactly what I was doing.  But sometimes I could see it hurt her feelings to be left out and not included.  It pained me, but I wanted to hang with these people because they were cool, interesting, and the guys were hot.  For a while I made it work.

Then one day we were at a party and my sister was at the party too.  I remember I was playing the piano for everyone (I had learned all the cool songs of the day!) and someone made a comment like, “Hey, Erin, where’s your shadow?”  I acted like I didn’t know what he was talking about, but he said again, “You know, that girl who looks like you but never says anything?”  Okay, she was painfully shy, wore thick glasses, and was an overweight teen, while I was thin, attractive, socially outgoing, and a little risqué.  He said, “Why does she have to come with you every time we invite you to a party.  Either stop bringing her or stop coming to our parties yourself.  She’s lame and a total downer.”  This was the moment.  Would I stand up for my sister and get kicked out of the popular club?  Or would I sell her out for popularity and acceptance?

I sold her out.  With a laugh I said, “Yeah, she’s a real loser, but what can I do?  My mom makes me bring her.  I’ll just start ditching her and make sure she doesn’t come to any more parties.”  They thought I was so cool.  After that party I disconnected from my sister as best I could.  We started fighting and arguing all the time about these so called “friends.”  It was really hard because inside I was still hurting for her, but I reasoned that she was doing it to herself.  If she would just relax a little and not be such a goody two shoes maybe she could join us.   I fell into this crowd and followed them around like a sheep, dressing how they told me to dress, and acting the way they acted.  It was disgusting, but I couldn’t see it, I just wanted to be liked by the “in” crowd.

Then something unexpected happened.  In 9th grade my influence on the group was very strong and before long I was in prime position to be the queen bee.  But there was this other girl who wanted the position and she waged a cunning campaign against me.  Before long I found out that she was throwing parties and not inviting me.  She started spreading false information and rumors about me.  She turned my once close elementary school friends against me.  Suddenly I was on the receiving end of their animosity, hatred, and ill will.  They started making fun of me the way they used to make fun of my sister.  And I was so hurt, felt so betrayed, felt like an outcast… yeah, felt like my sister must have felt when I stabbed her in the back and cast her out of my life.  Oh.  So this is karma eh?

I was really sad, scared, and felt totally alone.  My self confidence was shattered.  It took only 6 months for me to be completely cast out by this girl’s campaign against me.  I wasn’t allowed to sit at the popular table anymore at lunch.  I was no longer invited to parties.  I didn’t fight that hard though, either, because as this was happening it finally dawned on me that what I had been seeking was not what I really wanted.  Two-faced friends who stabbed each other in the back and did horrific things to their bodies just for some fun.

I found my sister again.  We reconnected and rekindled that special bond we used to have.  And I realized that I was never truly alone when my sister was around.  Then I started noticing the other kids who were “outcasts.”  I started connecting with them and discovered they were intelligent, compassionate, kind individuals who didn’t judge each other.  They were accepting of each other’s differences instead of trying to make others be like them.  What a concept!  I found new friends among the outcasts, beautiful, bright shiny spirits who were sweet, loving, and wonderful.  And I was so happy, because I was loved just being myself.

The popular kids were coming from a very dark place of low self esteem, fear, anger, anxiety, shame, and guilt.  They were constantly lowering their vibrations, violating their ethics, throwing good judgment out the door, and stepping on the feelings of others to make themselves feel better.  Once I was outside the group I saw them for what they were… scared, small beings.

I learned so much from this experience.  First I learned never to disconnect myself from real love to chase a fantasy of popularity and acceptance.  I learned that it is never right to hurt someone else to make yourself feel good, and that anyone who asks you to do this is disconnected from love and oneness.  I learned that being myself was perfect and that I could find friends who would accept me for who I was.  Anyone who didn’t, wasn’t a real friend.  I learned that when I disconnected from the inner voice of my conscience I fell into an abyss of darkness where I couldn’t tell up from down, or right from wrong, where I could no longer see the path of love, but only the path of fear.

The years passed and we all moved on to high school, where the small group of popular people were swallowed whole and trounced upon by the popular kids from the local bigger junior high.  I saw high school as a fresh chance to attract some new friends who were compatible with the real me.  Being around people like this helped me blossom, increased my self esteem, and made me really happy.  I never disconnected from my sister again, and to this day we are still very close, loyal, and connected.  I regret ever disconnecting from her, and denouncing her, but I know I had to learn a lesson.  I’m just so grateful to have learned it at a relatively young age.

If you act against your conscience to get something you want, you’re sure to find out it wasn’t worth having.  If you are currently in a situation where you are taking actions that violate your own conscience I want to assure you that it won’t end well.  Have integrity, stand up for your beliefs, disconnect from those who want you to be someone you’re not, find yourself, find your voice, find your inner light.  Be the unique, beautiful person you are.  When you are your true self you will inspire others with your courage to become their true selves.  Try it and see.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” -  e.e. cummings