The Danger of Compromise
Like Steve mentioned in his article, we spent much of our 15 years together compromising with each other. Everything from what movie to get at the video store to the big issues like how to raise our children. When you compromise too often, neither person gets what they want. You end up living a life you don’t desire which erodes your overall happiness. When Steve and I met, I was 24 and he was 22. Our compatibility was very high. Steve really helped to empower me, and I was on a quest to teach him compassion and oneness. As we grew and matured, and especially after we had children, we simply fell out of alignment with each other. We were both being drawn in different directions. Our love for each other was always quite strong, however, and we didn’t desire to separate, so we kept trying to find ways to walk together on a path that was quickly diverging. When two people reach a fork in the road, you have three options. Stop and stand still so you don’t lose each other. One partner gives up their path to walk their partners path. Or you let go and go your separate ways.

If you stand still, you stop growing. You set down your anchor and your boat no longer flows smoothly down the river of life. If one partner gives up their own path to walk their partner’s path, you end up with resentment and unhappiness, and a feeling of loss. When your paths diverge, you must honor the pull of your own path, and let go with love. That is not failure. That is honoring and respecting your higher self, your mission, your true alignment. This is what Steve and I eventually decided we must do in order to be happy. So we let go and began walking our separate paths. That doesn’t mean we lost sight of each other. And that doesn’t mean our paths don’t still touch in some ways. But now we are both free to walk our paths freely without compromise. It’s a liberating and powerful feeling.

The First Three Months
The first three months after we separated were really tough for me. I was sick when we decided to divorce and I didn’t actually get better for three months. The stress of separation along with the stress of moving, and the adjustment to single life obviously took its toll on me. One thing that kept me going was that I had just signed up for my CERT class (Community Emergency Response Team) and was so excited to be taking that class that it kept me from slipping into fear or depression. My friends and family rallied around me and helped me immeasurably. I felt supported and loved by my friends, and I’m positive they made a huge difference in how I adjusted to the loss of my marriage.

The first three months I spent many a night lying in bed with tears rolling down my face. I’m a very emotional person, and I was feeling so many different emotions like fear, sadness, anxiety and loneliness. For a couple of weeks I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My friend Vicki helped me see that I was grieving the loss of what I thought my life was going to be and that I needed to begin to see the new possibilities that life offered. Metaphorically, I was looking longingly at the path Steve and I had been on with all its possibilities and love, instead of looking with power and hope ahead on the path I was now on. Another friend, Todd, spent countless hours on the phone with me, just listening to my thoughts and fears and desires. He’s the most amazing listener ever. And my other friend, Dana, kept encouraging and empowering me and not letting me wallow. He helped me see my own greatness, which gave me a lot of confidence in myself.

Finding My Power
In January, I hit the ground running. I finally felt well physically, and we were coming up on our second Conscious Growth Workshop. I decided it was time to create a product. I put my head to the grindstone and created an audio program in 2 weeks with the help of several people including Darren LaCroix (who burned my CDs), Dana Richardson (who did the artwork), and Jason Ward (my sound engineer). What a reference experience that was! For the first time in a long time I had decided what I wanted to do and made it happen. I used to wait for Steve to tell me what to do because I was really good at giving him my power (don’t do this ladies!) and relied on his ability to strategize and plan long-term. So deciding upon, creating, and releasing a product that Steve had no part of was fantastic for me. I also decided it was time to take a serious look at my career and start doing all the things I’d only dreamed of. I had spent a lot of my energy helping Steve with his business, so it was time for me to help myself with mine.

In the past year, I not only released a product, I also did a teleseminar, an intuition workshop, and a 2 hour salon event. And I started up my Professional Intuitive Training Program so I could teach and share what I know with others. I couldn’t be happier with how all of that worked out. Concentrating on my career feels fantastic and I expect to continue doing that for at least another year.

The Children
I was so worried that our separation would be super hard on the kids. I can tell you that while there were some bumps, overall, the kids are handling our separation quite well. When we separated we decided I would take full custody of the children to provide them stability while we figured out how we wanted to handle custody. A year later, we are still working on that. It’s somewhat complicated as we both desire to raise the children in very different ways. As Steve mentioned in his article, I like to set down roots, foster a sense of community, and build strong family connections. I grew up in a very loving household and we spent a lot of time with relatives. Steve grew up without a strong connection to his family and without feeling loved, and I don’t think he ever really appreciated how much my family just wanted to love and accept him. Steve likes to move around and I like to have a strong home base. Steve wants to give the children very unique educational experiences, and I’m a fan of traditional education, though I can certainly appreciate the value of unique experiences. I am completely in favor of Steve taking the kids on a trip around the world, and I’m just as happy to stay home while he does it.

I believe that our children are better off with the arrangement we currently have. I can provide them stability, certainty, routine, and a strong nurturing, loving environment, and Steve can give them the support they’ll need as they grow to adulthood, and offer them guidance as they become adults. Once Steve and I stopped hoping the other partner would “come around” and we just accepted that we have different parenting styles, things got a lot better.

Currently, I do pretty much all of the childcare, and Steve pops in when he’s not traveling or spending time with Rachelle. Our son, Kyle, is a very sensitive and emotional child and he does a lot better with my style of parenting. Our daughter, Emily, is very adventurous and likes to explore. She’s strong and robust, and she and Steve get along very well. I’ll be curious to see how things go as the years progress. One thing the kids know they have is our love. We express it differently, but the kids have learned that different styles don’t mean one parent loves them any less. Because Steve and I are both happier people now that we are separated, the kids are happier kids because they have two happy parents who aren’t wallowing in resentment, anger, and frustration. It’s very challenging being a single parent though and I’ve had to call upon babysitters often so I can still have a social life and get things done.

Dating
People often ask me if I’m dating. After spending roughly 16 years with the same man, and giving him a lot of my power, I decided the healthy thing for me to do is find my strength and independence without a male partner. I don’t want to fall back into the trap of relying on anyone else to provide for me. I’ve literally had a boyfriend or partner in my life since Kindergarten (Andy, are you out there and do you remember nap time in Mrs. Lehrig’s class?) My whole life I thought I needed a partner to complete me. Now that I am without a partner, I feel amazing. My confidence and power are soaring. Until I am sure that I won’t fall back into old habits, I intend to remain happily single. That doesn’t mean I don’t long for male companionship. I do miss having regular sex, but as some of you are probably aware, I did have a lovely affair with a young man over this past year who treated me with great kindness, respect, and was really great in bed. Being with him was perfect. No commitments, no expectations, no drama, no baggage. Just fun and pleasure. I am open to intimacy with partners, but it’s not my main concern right now. Providing for my family and focusing on career are what I want now. Thankfully, my social network is strong and powerful and I get a lot of love from my friends. I’ve recently attempted some online dating and went on a few dates but find it tedious, so I’m not going to bother with it anymore.

I have begun, however, to think about what I want in a partner. I’ve started creating my list. So if he were to happen by, I will recognize him and be ready for him. I’m open to marrying again, and I’m also open to being with a life partner without marriage. The door is open to manifesting this man into my life, but I’m not hitting the pavement prowling for him nightly.

Summary
I’m having the time of my life right now, made possible by the fact that Steve and I were able to let go of the marriage to save the relationship. We got to keep the areas in which we share compatibility, while releasing all the connections that caused us conflict. It was hard in the beginning, and there are moments when I wonder if we could have somehow pulled it together, but I trust in the pull of the river, and can’t wait to see where it leads me.

Mutual Decision
Our decision to end the marriage was definitely mutual.  I haven’t been kicked to the curb, cast out, or anything like that.  Our desires in life are no longer as compatible as they were in our early years.  We both want to live in ways that the other is not interested in, so we were constantly compromising what we wanted to make the other person happy, which left neither of us truly happy.  I urge you to examine your own situation to see if anything like that is happening in your relationship.  Do you have to quell your strongest desires in order to be with your committed partner?  While there is something to be said for honoring a commitment, there is no way to know long ago what you might want today.  When you’re no longer compatible or desire the same things in life, I think it’s time to let go and find your true happiness.

What We Still Share
Steve and I are still friends.  We enjoy each other’s company, and still have a lot in common.  We both share a strong desire to help raise the consciousness of the planet.  For me, I want to help people reconnect with their higher selves, remember where they came from, and realize that we are all connected and we are all One.  Our life purposes are still quite compatible.  That isn’t enough to maintain a marriage or living arrangement though.  This is why, at least for the time being, we intend to continue working together and helping each other with our goals and missions in life.

Did you see it coming?
Some people want to know if I saw this coming because I’m psychic.  I saw this coming because I was there.  It didn’t take foresight to see that we were both compromising our desires to meet in the middle.  But it did take courage and conscious thought to realize our commitment to the institution of marriage wasn’t nearly as important as our commitment to our passions, desires, and goals.  The marriage had to go so we could both express ourselves freely and fully.

But aren’t you sad?
I’m sad about some things and very happy about others.  My friend, Vicki, helped me see that what I was grieving was the old story, and how I thought that story would end.  Metaphorically, it’s like I was writing a book and someone just took the book out of my hand and handed me a blank set of pages.  I have a new story to write.  Doesn’t mean the old story wasn’t great, I just need to take the story in a new and more powerful direction.  I’m not depressed and I’m not spending my days in tears.  There is a definite relief in the fact that we are keeping what’s best about us and removing the thorns that caused us to bleed.  If sadness wants to come, I will let it and honor it.  If anger wants to come, I will let it and honor it.  I will keep myself open and let the emotions run through me and not bury them.  I have the most amazing friends who have been supportive and loving, and I truly appreciate all the well wishes I’ve received since we made our announcement.

What about the kids?
We know that separation is hard on children.  We believe that staying in a marriage with lots of conflict is worse.  We believe we’ll both relate to the children better because we’ll both be happier people.  I am keeping a close eye on the children.  We’re doing a lot of talking and processing.  In the coming weeks I’ll be looking for resources and information on how to help children cope with divorce.  They will be loved and nurtured.  And if they need more help, they’ll get it.  Their teachers and school counselors are aware of our situation and I’m communicating daily with them to make sure the kids are doing okay.  There is a lot of laughter in our home, and I’m making sure the kids can openly express their true feelings towards us both so they feel heard.  We’ll do the best we can with what we’ve got to work with.  And we will heal.

What about plans for your business?
Like Steve mentioned, it’s business as usual here.  I’m helping him plan the logistics for the upcoming workshop.  I’d like to speak at the next workshop, especially to share what we’ve learned in the relationship segment.  I’m still doing readings, I’ll still write blog entries, and I’ll probably finally get around to writing a book or making that audio program that’s been languishing in my mind for eons.  The kids are in school during the week, so my working hours will remain largely the same.  I’ll be keeping my married name as that is what I’ve built my brand on.  And who knows what else lurks on the horizon for me.  The possibilities are endless!

Love and Support
I want to thank everyone who emailed me or posted their support in our forums, facebook, and twitter.  It means a lot to me to have your love and support.  I’m especially touched by the people I’ve helped over the years who are reaching back to help me now.  I gratefully accept your kindness, love and support.  Like I mentioned I have the most amazing friends, including my Toastmaster friends and the ladies in my mastermind group.  My family has been very supportive as well. 

Yes there is some sadness for what will never be, but there is also great joy in the endless possibilities that await me.  The story continues, though some of the characters may change.  The river draws me in a new direction and I will explore it daringly, while still remembering where I came from, and that I am always loved.