Polyamory
Last year was a strange year for me.  When Steve and I announced we were going to try polyamory there was a firestorm of response, which was expected, of course, but the degree was off the chart.  I can recall headlines on other blogs that said something about “Steve Pavlina Cheats on Wife” and the like.  I think what bothered me most were the lies being told about us.  I don’t mind when people write factual things about us, but when people tell bald-faced lies based on no research of the facts, and then their readers believe them and make judgments based on those lies, then I cry foul.  I learned last  year how celebrities in tabloids must feel and I developed great empathy for them.  I say to you now, don’t believe what you read unless it comes straight from the source or the source’s representative.  You don’t want to go through life believing lies.  I know I don’t.

The truth is that polyamory was awesome.  Not because either of us actually slept with someone outside our relationship (for the record, neither of us ever had sex with another person at any time during our 15+ years together), but because we opened ourselves up to greater emotional intimacy with others.  I was blissful during the first 9 months of 2009 as we explored polyamory.  We learned that compromise just makes both people unhappy.

Separation
So if I was so blissful for the first 9 months, what happened to cause a separation?  Steve and I realized we had developed incompatible lifestyle goals that were making it difficult for us to have a life together.  To generalize a little, Steve is always wanting to push the edge, to explore, experiment, grow, and change.  He gets bored with routine.  I, on the other hand, prefer routine and stability.  I like to build on what I already have, not tear down the monument and start building again.  While Steve loves to travel, I can take it or leave it.  Steve wants to see the world.  I’d like to see England, Ireland, and Scotland, but other than that I feel no strong desire to travel.  Wish I did, but I don’t.  Steve wants to immerse himself in different cultures, and I want to set down roots in a single community and get to know everyone for years.  I’d also like to keep my kids in one school instead of moving them around so much.  Kyle is only 6 years old and he’s lived in 5 homes.  I loved stability growing up and wanted to provide that for my kids too.

Steve and I are great friends and probably always will be.  To preserve our friendship, and to preserve our relationship, we had to end the marriage contract; the contract that says we stay together no matter what, no matter who we become or what our preferences are.  It became like shackles around our ankles, where neither one of us could grow in the direction we wanted.  So we decided to separate, amicably.  We basically freed each other of the shackles so we could each explore what we want without compromise.  And that has felt great to both of us.  We don’t hate each other, and we didn’t separate because we were fighting all the time.  On the contrary, there was so much love between us that we recognized we would each be happier outside the marriage.  The resentments are gone, the restrictions are gone, and now we can go back to connecting in the areas where we are compatible, and not feeling honor bound to connect in ways we don’t want to anymore.

Health Goal
At the beginning of 2009 I set a health and wellness goal.  I learned a lot this year, like never to announce a health and wellness goal in a public blog.   I was overloaded with contradictory advice that served only to confuse me.  I had moderate successes in my health goal.  I ended the year at roughly the same weight I started.  My overall health improved, however, as in 2008 I was a real mess of problems that are all fixed now.  I’ve had to start working out from home as now that I have the kids full time I can’t spend 2 hours every morning driving to and working out at the gym unless I want to cut 2 hours out of my work schedule for the day.  I’ve started doing my old Tae Kwon Do workout which is intense, and I’m lifting weights at home thanks to a weight set Steve got me for Christmas.  I will not be blogging about health and wellness this year.  Just watch the Facebook photo to see how things are changing.

Business Goals
My main focus this year is going to be to ramp up my business.  Right now I’ve got the blog and the intuitive readings.  The blog is free and the readings are up there in price.  I’d like to create something in the middle.  To that end, my plans include creating CDs, doing teleconferences, a workshop, and an audio program.  I will continue blogging, and I’m planning to do at least 4 YouTube videos each month (subscribe to my channel now). I will be on stage with Steve during the Conscious Growth Workshop coming up January 15-17, and I may be involved in future workshops he produces, depending on many factors.

Currently, I’m working on a CD that I intend to release this month.  If you signed up for my newsletter you received my free ebook, 10 Ways to Raise Your Vibration in Under 10 Minutes, which people seemed to really love.  Due to high demand, I’m recording an audio version of the ebook that will include two guided meditations that are under 10 minutes each that you can use to raise your vibration very quickly.  It will be available on CD and as an MP3 download.  If you want to know when the CD comes out and you’re not used to visiting my site daily looking for a new blog entry, be sure to sign up for the newsletter right away.

Personal Goals
My personal goals are related to courage, power and authority, the side of the TLP triangle that is weakest for me.  My new motto this year is “just do it.”  I have a tendency to shy away from things that require boldness and courage, so this year I’m going full steam ahead.  If it’s fun, I’m doing it.  If it’s exciting, I’m doing it.  If it’s crazy, I’m filming it!   Going to the gun range with a friend was an example of something I’ve always wanted to try but never did.  We’ll be going back soon to try an automatic rifle. I know, it’s crazy right?  Which is why I’ll be filming it!  I’m also joining the local Improv Troupe, which is something Steve did years ago that he says really helped him with his public speaking, so now it’s my turn.  I’m going to plug into my power and do all the things I want to do but have been too nervous or afraid to try.

Since our separation I’ve been spending more time socializing with friends.  That’s been really awesome!  I started a game night with friends that we host at Steve’s house.  So far we’ve done this twice.  We played poker the first time and Cranium and Charades the second time.  Our friends are all professional speakers, and some are comedians, and that makes for some really funny stuff at game night!  In a few weeks I’m going to play basketball with another toastmaster friend who found out I used to be a really kick ass basketball player.  I don’t know if I’ve “still got it” but it will be fun seeing if I do.  I also might get back into role-playing games (the pen and paper and dice kind).  I’m particularly fond of the Heroes Unlimited system, so if you’re in Vegas and you’re keen on role-playing let me know.

Summary
I think the year ahead is going to be fascinating and joyous.  I’ll be spending less time on correspondence and email (that just never ends and I can’t possibly help everyone who emails me) and more time on product creation and spreading my message to more people.  Thank you to everyone who has been so incredibly supportive to me this year.  I may not be able to respond to everyone, but as of now, I’m still able to read all the correspondence, so know that your messages to me have been wonderfully touching.  Love to you all!

Mutual Decision
Our decision to end the marriage was definitely mutual.  I haven’t been kicked to the curb, cast out, or anything like that.  Our desires in life are no longer as compatible as they were in our early years.  We both want to live in ways that the other is not interested in, so we were constantly compromising what we wanted to make the other person happy, which left neither of us truly happy.  I urge you to examine your own situation to see if anything like that is happening in your relationship.  Do you have to quell your strongest desires in order to be with your committed partner?  While there is something to be said for honoring a commitment, there is no way to know long ago what you might want today.  When you’re no longer compatible or desire the same things in life, I think it’s time to let go and find your true happiness.

What We Still Share
Steve and I are still friends.  We enjoy each other’s company, and still have a lot in common.  We both share a strong desire to help raise the consciousness of the planet.  For me, I want to help people reconnect with their higher selves, remember where they came from, and realize that we are all connected and we are all One.  Our life purposes are still quite compatible.  That isn’t enough to maintain a marriage or living arrangement though.  This is why, at least for the time being, we intend to continue working together and helping each other with our goals and missions in life.

Did you see it coming?
Some people want to know if I saw this coming because I’m psychic.  I saw this coming because I was there.  It didn’t take foresight to see that we were both compromising our desires to meet in the middle.  But it did take courage and conscious thought to realize our commitment to the institution of marriage wasn’t nearly as important as our commitment to our passions, desires, and goals.  The marriage had to go so we could both express ourselves freely and fully.

But aren’t you sad?
I’m sad about some things and very happy about others.  My friend, Vicki, helped me see that what I was grieving was the old story, and how I thought that story would end.  Metaphorically, it’s like I was writing a book and someone just took the book out of my hand and handed me a blank set of pages.  I have a new story to write.  Doesn’t mean the old story wasn’t great, I just need to take the story in a new and more powerful direction.  I’m not depressed and I’m not spending my days in tears.  There is a definite relief in the fact that we are keeping what’s best about us and removing the thorns that caused us to bleed.  If sadness wants to come, I will let it and honor it.  If anger wants to come, I will let it and honor it.  I will keep myself open and let the emotions run through me and not bury them.  I have the most amazing friends who have been supportive and loving, and I truly appreciate all the well wishes I’ve received since we made our announcement.

What about the kids?
We know that separation is hard on children.  We believe that staying in a marriage with lots of conflict is worse.  We believe we’ll both relate to the children better because we’ll both be happier people.  I am keeping a close eye on the children.  We’re doing a lot of talking and processing.  In the coming weeks I’ll be looking for resources and information on how to help children cope with divorce.  They will be loved and nurtured.  And if they need more help, they’ll get it.  Their teachers and school counselors are aware of our situation and I’m communicating daily with them to make sure the kids are doing okay.  There is a lot of laughter in our home, and I’m making sure the kids can openly express their true feelings towards us both so they feel heard.  We’ll do the best we can with what we’ve got to work with.  And we will heal.

What about plans for your business?
Like Steve mentioned, it’s business as usual here.  I’m helping him plan the logistics for the upcoming workshop.  I’d like to speak at the next workshop, especially to share what we’ve learned in the relationship segment.  I’m still doing readings, I’ll still write blog entries, and I’ll probably finally get around to writing a book or making that audio program that’s been languishing in my mind for eons.  The kids are in school during the week, so my working hours will remain largely the same.  I’ll be keeping my married name as that is what I’ve built my brand on.  And who knows what else lurks on the horizon for me.  The possibilities are endless!

Love and Support
I want to thank everyone who emailed me or posted their support in our forums, facebook, and twitter.  It means a lot to me to have your love and support.  I’m especially touched by the people I’ve helped over the years who are reaching back to help me now.  I gratefully accept your kindness, love and support.  Like I mentioned I have the most amazing friends, including my Toastmaster friends and the ladies in my mastermind group.  My family has been very supportive as well. 

Yes there is some sadness for what will never be, but there is also great joy in the endless possibilities that await me.  The story continues, though some of the characters may change.  The river draws me in a new direction and I will explore it daringly, while still remembering where I came from, and that I am always loved.