I am not remotely daunted by this situation, nor do I feel undue pressure to perform. In every reading I do, I am simply a relay. I tune in to a client’s spirit guides and they tell me what my client most needs to know to help him on his path. I don’t have to figure out how to help anyone. I just listen to their guides and pass along vital information.

Your spirit guides know where you are, what you’ve been through, and how to help you. They know what you’ve gotten yourself into, they know what is blocking you from happiness, and they know how to fix your situation. If you can’t hear them, I can do that for you.

Because I’ve done so many readings for people who want to die, I’ve begun to understand the pattern. You want something, you go after it, you don’t get it, and you stop in your tracks. For some people, this is no big deal. They say “shucks,” turn around, back track a little, and try another path. But for others, seeing the dead end in the maze of life is enough to cause great despair of ever finding anything in the maze worth having. They don’t have the strength or energy to keep going. So they decide to either end their lives or wish a bus would slam them into oblivion.

But life doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t need to get to the point of wanting to bug out. Here is what you can do to battle the desire to suicide.

Don’t give your power away
If you decide that the only way you can be happy is to accomplish x or to have y and you don’t have complete control over getting x or y then you are giving your power away. If it’s not in your complete control to achieve it, then you can fail to have it. And if failing to have it is going to cause you to want to end your life, then you are giving your power away to something that was never yours to begin with. Don’t do it. If you’re counting on something external to make you happy, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Instead, be the author of your own life. Work with what you can control.

Listen to your intuition
Your spirit guides constantly broadcast wisdom, insight, and advice your way. That’s their job. They are trying to help you achieve your goals. If you can’t hear them, it’s easy to lose your way in the maze. If you could hear them, you’re more likely to get where you want to go. It’s the simple. Avoid getting lost, learn how to tune in to your own spirit guides and intuition.

Be happy along the journey
So many people think they will be happy when they reach a certain goal. They want to get to the top of the mountain but don’t enjoy the hike. Don’t do that to yourself. If you’re not enjoying the process, you’re going to be that much more disappointed when your goal is denied to you. You will feel like you wasted a lot of time, money, and effort in the pursuit of something you didn’t get. But if you’re enjoying your life, and enjoying the journey, then if you reach a dead end you’ll still have the energy to turn around and find another way.

Have a backup plan
Is there only one way to get what you want? Is there really only one woman who will make you happy? One job that will make you feel successful? Is it really true that if you can’t have children that life isn’t worth living? If having something is outside your control, I highly suggest you have a backup plan. That way if you run into that brick wall, you still have other ways of living that will make you happy. Don’t put all your eggs into one basket, because if the basket hits that brick wall, all you’ve got is a scrambled mess of a life. Stuff happens. Have a backup plan and you will never feel so blocked that you can’t go on.

Ask for help when you need it
You can ask people for help when you are lost in the maze or if you hit the brick wall. Get support from your loved ones. Sometimes you smack that wall so hard, you can’t see straight. Let your friends and family take you by the shoulders and guide you back to a new path. Let them love and support you until you get your wits about you again. People can’t help you if they don’t know you’re stuck or hurting. Reach out.

Carry power tools
Sometimes you don’t have to back track through the maze of life. Sometimes you can bust through a brick wall like it’s not even there. This could mean finding a creative solution to a problem, turning a no into a yes, or ramming the barrier so hard that it simply crumbles at your feet. The power tools you want to take with you into the maze of life include: resourcefulness, creativity, the ability to negotiate, fortitude, courage, strong social connections, discipline, a positive attitude, etc. With these tools at your side, you may never be daunted by a brick wall again.

***
The bottom line here is to guard your energy while you’re walking. Don’t decide in advance that the only way to be happy is to achieve a certain goal, because if that goal is denied to you, you’re going to feel despair and lose all hope of ever being happy.

The trick with life is to be flexible. Once you decide what is you close your mind to the possibilities of what may be. Maybe there’s a reason you didn’t get that job. Maybe there’s a reason she said no to your proposal of marriage. Maybe there’s a reason you ended up not having children. You’ll never know it if you leave the game prematurely.

Trust in the universe. Trust your intuition. Listen to your guides. The maze is big and there’s much to explore. Enjoy the journey every day.

Do suicide victims go to Hell?
This is the number one question people ask me. If I thought my loved one was going to Hell I’d ask that question too! Religion appears to doom people to Hell if they take their own life. I guess it’s considered a sin. Suiciders (sorry had to make up a word) do not go to Hell. At least, not the Christian Hell with the devil, the eternal torture, and decaf.

Hell is a state of mind. So technically you could put yourself in a self-imposed Hell if you are suffering from guilt, shame, and if you fear judgment. I don’t recommend it, but some people insist on doing this to themselves. If you do find yourself in Hell you’ll want to beat a hasty retreat. Read up on How To Get Out of Hell.

Bottom line here is that no one is relegated to Hell for ending his life. If during your Life Review you feel you’ve done so much wrong that you can’t be forgiven, you are free to flog yourself for eternity, but it is neither required nor necessary, and I don’t recommend it. Forgive yourself instead, learn from your mistakes, and move on.

Do suiciders linger or cross over?
I’ve encountered both.

I’ve been in contact with people who killed themselves, shed their mortal coil, sloughed off their ego, and bounced happily and merrily into the light to greet friends and family on the other side. The commonalities I’ve seen in this group are people who understand in advance that suicide is not a sin, who understand or are aware of how things work on the other side, and those who are not ashamed or feel guilty about ending their life prematurely. They cross over happily and easily.

I’ve also been in contact with suiciders who linger, who refuse to go into the light because of fear, shame or guilt. They don’t want to be judged. So they hang on as long as they can, usually by attaching themselves to a family member and using their energy to stay connected to Earth.

Others realize they made a mistake and are desperate to get back to their bodies, so they hang on for a bit too. Some linger to get forgiveness from their living loved ones, or in an attempt to ease their loved ones’ pain. Some linger because they’re still carrying depression and can’t slough it off.

Who helps or manages suiciders?
Those who suicide and linger are not alone. Not by a long shot. There are angels hovering around them to help them heal and cross over. And the angels guard them so they are not disturbed by other beings hanging around on the same plane. The angels try to help them forgive themselves so they can cross over peacefully.

How can you best help a suicide?
I know that when someone commits suicide it can create feelings of anger towards them. That’s very normal. If you think your loved one is lingering, you can help them cross over completely by forgiving them, releasing your anger, and sending them love. When you’re ready.

For those who are lingering out of fear, you can also encourage them to go to Source. God/Source will gladly accept them back into the light. After all, we are all pieces of Source energy and we may return at any time. Send them love and reassurance that they will be received with open arms.

Are they suffering?
Some of the suiciders who linger do appear to be suffering emotionally. Again, this is unnecessary and hopefully will not last long. But I have encountered some spirits who replay and repeat the misery in their lives over and over again and continue to wallow in depression, despair, and emotional turmoil until they can be crossed over by the angels. If you suspect your loved one is in this state, it is even more important to help them cross over by talking to them, encouraging them to go into the light, and to forgive themselves.

What sort of signs do suiciders send to their loved ones?
Pretty much the same signs you’ll get from any deceased loved one trying to get your attention.

• You might feel their presence near you
• Their special song comes on the radio when you’re thinking about them
• Clock stops
• Electrical disturbances for no apparent reason
• Pictures or photographs get knocked over
• Smelling their scent

But the big one is they’ll come to you in your dreams or while you’re meditating. You can talk to a deceased loved one at any time. To hear or see their response, you’ll need to be dreaming, meditating, or have mediumistic abilities. Even if you can’t hear or see them, still talk to them as it will help them cross over. If you really need to know what’s happening or you want to make sure your loved one is receiving your messages, you can book a reading with a medium.

Do suiciders regret their suicide?
Regret is the number one emotion I sense in the people who come to me during readings. However, I am usually connecting with the ones who do regret their passing, so I wouldn’t say that all suiciders regret their act. In fact, I’ve connected with at least 3 suiciders that I can recall who basically said, “Welp, that life sucked. No big. Ready to move on and try something else.” They really take it in stride.

Regret comes when they realize there were other ways to handle their problems that they simply couldn’t see while alive and in the thick of it.

The game of life
Remember that life is like a game. You make a character, start the game, and do the best you can with the resources you get. If you get to a point where playing the game is simply too painful, you can choose to stop playing. Sometimes you don’t realize that help was a phone call away, or right around the corner, but it’s not the end of the world.

Suiciding does leave a hole in the lives of those other characters you were interacting with, the ones who love you, and would have helped you if they could. So before you consider suicide, always ask for help. If you do find yourself at the end of your rope (literally) at the very least cross over with love and forgiveness in your heart. There really is no need to beat yourself up for your decision. And avoid Hell. Decaf sucks.

Meeting Bryan
I met Bryan in junior high school around the age of 14.  When I met him he was already in a dark place, but I didn’t know it.  I knew his parents were divorced, but that’s all I knew.  I was attracted to his intellect, his love of all things sci-fi and fantasy, and he was really cute to boot.  My girlfriends and I hung out with him and his male friends, sort of a group thing.  Nothing much happened.  At graduation from junior high we went our separate ways.  He went to a different high school than I did and I figured I’d seen the last of him.

Char’s Prediction
When I was 15 I had a psychic reading with Char.  She came up with his name, including the fact that he spelled it with a “y” instead of an “I” and told me to watch out for him, that he would lead me down a dark path, not get along with my family, and that he was bad news.  I assured her that that was the past she was picking up on, not the future.  She seemed dubious, but what could she say really?  She’d given me her warning and I discounted it completely.

Sweet 16 Party
I had an awesome Sweet 16 birthday party.  Best party ever!  Instead of everyone going home at a reasonable hour, we all decided to pile into some cars and go carousing all night long.  No parental knowledge or supervision within miles!  At one point we hooked up with an old friend, named John, who mentioned he was just hanging out at a pizza parlor.  So we high-tailed it over to meet up with him.  Who was sitting with him?  Bryan.  At age 16 he was incredibly handsome, chiseled features, muscular build, he actually looked a lot like Matt Damon.  And I was on this incredible high from it being my party night.  I was quite flirtatious with him, enjoying being the center of attention.  I gave Bryan my phone number and told him to call me sometime.  Now that we were all 16 the distance between our homes was no big deal.  Bryan lived a 30 minute drive away from me.  At age 14, that’s too far to get your mom to drive you.  At age 16 with a driver’s license, that’s nothing!

A Slow Start
Bryan came back into my life.  I found out soon enough that he didn’t have his license.  Bryan would often ride his bike to my house, which would take him like an hour and a half!  Sometimes he was hanging out with John, who lived much closer to me.  There was a group of us, we’d all hang out, boys and girls alike.  We’d stay up all night talking about life, the universe, and everything.  All of us were smart, a little weird, and very open-minded.  Good group.  Bryan started putting the moves on me, just like I wanted, but apparently I was going a little too slow for him.  When I tried to put the brakes on a little, he gravitated to my best friend who was more than eager for a shot at this handsome hunk.  Before I knew it, she was doing things with him that I was only dreaming about.  I felt terribly jealous.  Going against my own instincts, I fought to win him back, and back he came.  Now that I had him, what was I going to do with him?

Darkness Reveals Itself
I turned 17 shortly after Bryan and I officially started dating.  Around this time I started to notice Bryan’s dark side.  He was angry all the time.  He was vain.  If his hair wasn’t perfect he wouldn’t leave his house, cancelling plans if necessary.  We argued a lot.  He never had any money, but I did, so I often paid his way to the movies and bought him dinner and gifts.  I thought I was making life easier for him, but in reality this made him feel ashamed of his lack of money.  He lived with his father, but I was never allowed to go inside his house.  He was ashamed of that too.  He lived in sort of a bad neighborhood so I never really pressed to hang out there anyway.  Plenty to do in my neck of the woods.  At this point in time I didn’t understand the depths of Bryan’s dark side.  I sort of felt sorry for him, though I think that just made things worse.  And I started to see evidence of violence.  He would throw things at the wall.  He would push me around a little when he was upset with me.  He was always brandishing his fists at me like he had to hold himself back from hitting me.

He wasn’t all dark though.  I was still totally attracted to his intellect, his creativity, his open-mindedness, and his love of role playing games (like Dungeons and Dragons).  We got along swimmingly when he wasn’t mad at me.  He was fiercely loving towards me, almost possessive.  At the time I thought it was cool.

The Rape
Bryan wanted to have sex and I didn’t.  I just wasn’t ready.  I figured I would be at some point.  I liked kissing him and making out a little.  He was already sexually experienced thanks to a single mom on his block who took it upon herself to deflower all the cute teenagers nearby.  He was getting tired of waiting for me to be ready while I demanded he be loyal only to me.  One night I was driving him back to his house and he was drinking beer in the car.  This was beer he was supposed to be bringing home to his father (long story, don’t ask), but he decided to drink the whole six pack on the way home.

When we got to his house he told me to pull into the alley around the back so we could make out a little.  It was late and I wanted to go home, but he insisted and I hated to say no because it would lead to a horrible argument.  To avoid that, I agreed.  So there we were, sitting in my car, in a dark alley, when Bryan said he was tired of waiting for me to be ready and wanted to have sex right there and then, in the car.  I protested saying that was not how I wanted to lose my virginity!  How horribly unromantic.  He started to get angry and I got really uncomfortable.  He got more aggressive and insistent, pulling down his pants to show me the goods.  But with all the alcohol in his system he seemed to be having a hard time getting an erection.  I laughed at him.  That was my fatal mistake.  Above all else, Bryan hated appearing foolish in any way, shape or form.  If you made fun of Bryan you were as good as dead.  Before I knew what was happening, he punched me really hard across the face.  I saw a blue spark of electricity upon impact, and then darkness.  As I came to, I noticed three things at roughly the same time.  First, I couldn’t move my arms at all.  My head was lolled to the side and I couldn’t move it.  Second, I noticed I was crying, that there were tears streaming down my face. And third, Bryan was having sex with me.  I tried so hard to move, but it was like the electrical system in my body was shorted out.  I couldn’t lift my arms or speak.  I could only lay there waiting for it to be over.  It didn’t take long.  He ejaculated.  That seemed to calm him right down.  As the moments passed, my brain was booting up, and I was finally able to move again.  I was so dazed, I don’t think I could even form a sentence.  I remember looking at him and he actually looked remorseful.  But that didn’t last.  He pulled up his pants, patted me on the head, opened the car door, said, “I love you.  I’ll see you tomorrow” and hopped the fence into his backyard, and off he went.

My thought at that moment was, “What the hell just happened to me?”  I was sitting there alone trying to piece together what happened.  This is the part that’s going to sound crazy.  I wasn’t sure if I’d been raped or not.  Back in those days there was no date rape.  No one was talking about rape much at all.  There was no discussion of domestic violence back then either.  My only thought was, “Shoot, I shouldn’t have angered him so much.  Look what happened.  I’d better be more careful next time.”  My other thought was that he didn’t seem to think he’d done anything wrong, otherwise why would he tell me he loved me, pat me on the head, and take off like nothing bad had happened?

I pulled myself together, got into the driver’s seat, and drove slowly home.  By the time I got home I felt something odd going on down there.  When I looked, there was blood and semen pooled in my underwear.  I snuck into my house, hoping everyone was asleep, and took a shower.  There was a red mark on my face where he’d punched me.  I cried myself to sleep, unsure what tomorrow would bring.  I felt ashamed and humiliated.  I retreated into a shell, broken.

Classic Abusive Relationship Coming Right Up
The day after the rape he acted like nothing had happened so I just decided to forget about it.  I didn’t want to be a rape victim and deal with all of that so I rationalized it all away.  I stayed with Bryan for three and a half years.  Yes, you read that right.  For three and a half years, I was part of a violent, sexually and emotionally abusive relationship.  I learned what his triggers were and made sure I didn’t trigger him.  He was always careful not to hit me in places that would show the bruises.  He went to work on my self esteem, telling me I was no good and no one else would want me.  He isolated me from all my friends, until the only friends we had left were his.  He was possessive, jealous, and angry all the time.  He often accused me of sleeping with other people, though I never did because frankly, sex disgusted me so why would I want to have sex with anyone?  We continued to have sex very regularly, sometimes three times per day.  During sex I would just tune him out.  He was usually done in a minute or so.  My pleasure was never his concern.  I just wanted it to be over asap.  If I ever tried to refuse having sex with him he would either argue me into submission or just pull me into the bedroom and have at it.  Did I mention how muscular he was?  I was never a match for his physical strength.

But I had a few things going for me.  First, he was so conciliatory after hurting me, that he actually handed all the power back to me for a short while.  I would use this mercilessly to get him to do what I wanted.  This was not healthy, but it was the only time I had power in the relationship.  Second, I made all the money and he made none, so he was dependent on me financially.  This gave me some control since if he wanted anything he had to ask me for it.  I would use that to keep him in line sometimes.  And third, we lived in separate homes, so when necessary I could stay away from him for a little while. 

None of my family knew what was happening, but none of my family liked Bryan too much.  We were good at hiding our situation.  I thought this was how all relationships were.  My friends noticed he would sometimes punch me in the arm, but I would act like it was no big deal and they would keep quiet.  None of my friends ever wanted to challenge Bryan because his fists usually did the talking for him.  I would sometimes think about breaking up with Bryan but whenever I brought it up he would cry and get so upset, and he’d tell me he couldn’t live without me.  In fact, it got to the point where he told me if I ever tried to leave him, he would kill me and my family, and then kill himself.  I believed him.  He had no less than a dozen weapons in his possession from knives, to crossbows, and even a gun.

The Bright Side of Bryan
If things were all bad all the time, I surely would have left him.  But there was another side to Bryan.  He was very protective of me.  No one could hurt me but him.  If anyone gave me any kind of problem in life, Bryan would handle it.  He argued with my parents a lot.  They eventually banned me from seeing him, but that didn’t help as it only meant I had to sneak out of the house to see him.  I knew my parents wouldn’t kill me for doing that, and I felt Bryan might kill me if I didn’t.  There were times when Bryan put his own life in danger to protect me.  Uh, usually the danger was because Bryan was picking a fight with someone, or we were somewhere sort of seedy, but he was still willing to take a knife in the gut to protect me.

Bryan was exceptionally intelligent.  He blew me out of the water when it came to grades and studying, and I was no slouch!  His teachers loved him.  He was a prized pupil.  I loved role playing with Bryan and our friends.  We’d spend hours upon hours at a time just role playing.  As long as we were around other people, Bryan acted the part of a good boyfriend.  It was only when we were alone and fighting that things turned ugly.  I learned to just deal with it, afraid to break up with him.  I had such low self esteem, and I figured I was lucky to have a guy in my life at all.  Even though he was very possessive, I took this as a sign of devotion.

The Sorority
Bryan and I both went to the same college.  During my sophomore year I wanted to join the sorority that my twin sister had joined.  Bryan didn’t want me to be in a sorority because he felt it would take time away from him.  But I really wanted to do it so he relented (yes I had to get his permission to do almost everything).  He warned me, however, that if I got so involved with my sorority that I started to neglect him that I would have to quit.  I became my pledge class president, and I thought he’d be angry but he actually seemed proud of me.  What he didn’t realize was that the sorority would eventually lead to the escape of his most prized possession: me. 

There was a girl in my sorority who apparently was in an abusive relationship of her own.  We discovered each other’s secret one night when we double dated.  She asked me if my boyfriend hit me and I found out that hers hit her.  We commiserated together.  It was the first time I ever found someone in the same boat as me.  One day she came to me and told me she’d left her abusive boyfriend and that I should leave mine.  She explained what an abusive relationship was, because at this point I still had no idea I was even in one.  I got so angry at her.  It was like I was sitting in a jail cell with her, happy for the company, and she got up and tried the door only to find it unlocked.  She left our happy, safe little cell and encouraged me to leave too.  But I was too afraid.  So I pushed her out of my life and pretended she didn’t exist.  But it nagged at me.  This idea that you could leave the relationship was alien to me. 

The more time and energy I put into the sorority, the more power, courage, and authority I started to have.  My self esteem improved.  I took on officer positions and got things done.  People encouraged me, people praised me, and I started to find my will again.  Bryan started noticing that I would back talk more often, that I wasn’t in line anymore, and he started to hate the sorority.

The Ultimatum
Finally things were coming to a head.  One weekend, our sorority Rush weekend, I told Bryan I couldn’t see him at all because there were going to be tons and tons of parties.  From Friday to Monday I was going to be 100% committed to the sorority Rush events.  He said, “But I need you to drive me and Brandon to the opening of a new movie on Saturday.” (I was his ride everywhere he needed to go).  I told him I couldn’t take him and his friend to a movie because I would be fined $50 for every party I missed and to find his own ride or take the frakkin’ bus.  He said, “I don’t give a damn how much it costs you.  I want to see this movie on this day and time and you’re going to take me.”  I protested, “But there are 8 parties, so that’s $400 I’ll have to pay if I take you to a movie you can see any other day.  Is that what you want me to do?”  He said, “Make your choice.  It’s the sorority or me.”  He hung up on me, confident I would choose him, as I had always done in the past.  I spent the entire night awake trying to figure out what to do.  The biggest internal battle raged inside me.  I thought he was being completely unreasonable in his request.  I kept remembering his threats to kill me and my family if I ever broke up with him.  I cried, I freaked out, I didn’t want to let my sorority sisters down.  But denying Bryan his request would be inviting certain death.  What to do?

Finally I made my decision.  I called him at 5:30 in the morning because I couldn’t wait another minute.  He got groggily on the phone.  I said, “Bryan, I never want to see you again.”  He said, “What?”  I repeated, “I never want to see you again.  I’d rather be dead than spend another minute with you.”  I waited for the tirade.  I was actually prepared to die if I had to.  I was done.  He tried pleading with me, threatening me, and reasoning with me, but my decision had been made and I knew I wouldn’t change my mind.  He threatened to kill me and I told him that if he felt that strongly about it, to go right ahead.  Inside I flinched, but I stayed strong.  To everything he said, I simply replied, “I never want to see you again.”  It was like stabbing him in the heart with a dagger.  Eventually I had to tell him our phone call was over and hung up on him.  I immediately broke down crying, but I was happy.  I was free.  No matter what he did to me now, I would die free if that’s what it came to.

I called his friends and told them we broke up and asked them to please not pick Bryan up and bring him to my house.  I went to my sorority event, a total wreck from being up all night crying, and I came home watchful.  I looked over my shoulder for days, and then weeks.  He never came by.  He didn’t try to call me.  I thought maybe I was going to make it through the break-up unscathed.

The Letter
One day a letter arrived in the mail.  My mom intercepted it and read it.  Big mistake.  It was 27 pages of Bryan ranting and raving at me.  It started off with begging.  “Please come back to me.  I promise I’ll treat you better.”  And segued into “You god damn bitch.  Who do you think you are for leaving me?  If I can’t have you, no one will!”  My mom of course got really upset when she read this.  I assured her it was some prank and that Bryan wasn’t going to come and kill us all in our sleep, as he’d threatened in the letter.  But I was a nervous wreck wondering when I’d be on the receiving end of his knife or gun. 

Healing
I healed.  I slowly got my life back together.  One thing that helped me tremendously was finding out that Bryan had been cheating on me much of the time we were together.  I had no idea!  When we broke up, he went to her immediately, and found solace in her arms.  I think that girl saved my life, actually.  He had someone else lined up in case things went south with me.  I was so grateful he’d been cheating on me.  Crazy as that sounds.  I was 20 years old when I left Bryan.  By the time I was 23 I had found my personal power, confidence, and strength.  I’d dated a few guys, but nothing terribly serious.  And I met Steve.  Over the years, Steve helped me heal the damage my relationship with Bryan had done.  I had sexual hang ups, anxiety, and control issues.  I used to have dreams that Bryan would sneak into my home and kill me and my husband and children.  Steve patiently helped me deal with the aftermath of the abusive relationship, and he helped me understand how I ended up spending three and a half years with an abusive boyfriend.

The Understanding
It took me years but I finally understood what happened.  The piece of information I’ve yet to reveal is about Bryan’s mother.  When Bryan was a young boy, I think he was 9 if I remember correctly, his mom left home with Bryan’s sister, in the middle of the night.  Imagine it.  Imagine your mom taking off with only your sister and not you, in the middle of the night, without saying good bye.  That crushed his spirit.  He must have been wondering what was so terrible about him that his own mother would leave him behind and take only his sister with her.  For many years he had no contact with his mother, so angry was he at her.  Bryan suffered from extreme abandonment issues.  This is why he clung so possessively to me, why he threatened to kill me and kill himself if I ever left him, and why he had other women lined up in case I should leave him.

I came to a point in my adult life where I completely understood how Bryan and I ended up in an abusive situation.  He was angry and afraid, which led to the violence. He couldn’t bear to be left by someone who loved him.  He did what he had to to keep his relationship with me secure.  He used control, violence, emotional manipulation, and sometimes even devotion, loyalty, and love.  And I stayed in the relationship because I had low self esteem, I was a rescuer, and couldn’t imagine abandoning someone in pain.  We were a total vibrational match for that relationship.

Forgiveness
Steve helped me understand that it takes two people making a choice to be in an abusive relationship.  Initially I blamed Bryan for everything.  Then I blamed myself for staying with him when I had the choice to leave any time I wanted.  I was all for giving up control of my life to someone else, and Bryan was a perfect match to take control of my life and my will.  Eventually I came to realize that we were both young and inexperienced.  I couldn’t rescue him and he couldn’t overcome his feelings of anger and abandonment.  He needed professional help but got none.  I went through a process of forgiving Bryan for everything that happened between us.  I no longer blamed either of us.  I just had understanding.  Then came the compassion for the little boy whose mom abandoned him in the middle of the night and went off and created new children without him.  His father also remarried and had new children.  Bryan had no one.

Getting Closure
In my 20’s I had a chance contact with Bryan, thanks to some mutual friends who were discussing me with him one night at dinner.  On the phone with me he admitted to raping me and apologized sincerely for it.  That he even admitted it was a big part of my healing.  In my early 30’s I thought about contacting Bryan to tell him that I had forgiven him for everything and to show him I understood why things went down the way they went down.  I knew he lived in Portland, but I couldn’t find any contact information for him anywhere.  I figured that one day we would eventually have our conversation.  But that wasn’t to be.

Death Comes Marching In
In February of this year an old friend contacted me to ask if I’d heard the news.  Bryan had killed himself during a police stand-off.   Here is the short version of the story as it was relayed to me.  After we broke up, Bryan went to graduate school and became a social worker who did wonderful things with war veterans related to post traumatic stress disorder.  He fell in love with a woman who had three children and married her.  He helped her fight to get sole custody of her children.  This put him in significant debt.  He decided he wanted to leave his job and go become a fiction writer (something I think he would have been enormously successful doing).  But the stress of debt and the custody battle, and possibly some depression, caused him to check himself into a mental institution for a little while.  When he left after a few weeks he was just getting back on his feet.  His wife was on her way to the pharmacy to pick up medication for him after speaking to someone on a mental health line.  The mental health line worker decided to initiate a suicide check, so police were dispatched to Bryan’s home to “check on him.”  Bryan wasn’t a big fan of the police.  He was really into survival, so he was always prepared in case he needed to survive after a nuclear war or to run from the police.  So when the police arrived he got upset, afraid, and angry when they wouldn’t leave.  He barricaded himself in his house, got out one of his rifles, and trained it out the window towards the cops. 

The cops decided they had a “gunman” on their hands, cleared the street, and called the SWAT team.  Bryan called his wife who was on her way home.  She tried to calm him down, but the police took the phone away from her, shoved her in the back of a police car, and refused to let her try to talk him down.  This agitated Bryan even more.  He held his position for 8 hours, and finally gave up, shooting himself and ending his tumultuous life.  He was 39 years old.

Coping With Bryan’s Death
When I heard the news I became very sad.  He didn’t deserve that kind of end.  All he wanted was to be loved, unconditionally, by someone who cared about him.  I couldn’t even imagine what kind of fear he was feeling during the 8 hours he was alone, isolated, and holed up in his house.  He probably figured he was going to jail no matter what, since he’d pulled a gun on the cops.  At the very least, they’d probably commit him to an institution for treatment or monitoring.  You never wanted to back Bryan into a corner.  He’d take the extreme way out if he had to.

I’ve sat with this news for weeks.  I spoke to our old friend, John, who helped me put together many of the pieces of Bryan’s final years on Earth.  I’m told Bryan received awards and accolades for his work with war veterans.  His memorial service brought more than 100 people to his side, eulogizing him for the caring, compassionate person he’d been to them.  I’d like to think Bryan finally found love in his life.

The Afterlife
So the first thing on my mind was trying to connect with Bryan on the other side to see how he was doing.  In the case of suicide I sometimes find people who go to a very dark place and rehash their suicide over and over again.  But I couldn’t find him.  I know other mediums have mentioned that when people close to them die it can take months or even years to get communication.  I think it’s hard when you’re so close.  But I kept my antenna attuned for Bryan.

Yesterday I finally had the communication from him that I’d been seeking.  He is definitely in a good place mentally.  He radiated wisdom, understanding, compassion, and a little bit of chagrin.  He is whole again, totally reintegrated with his higher self.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in such a state of peace.  We talked about our relationship.  He told me that I probably saved his life back then because I gave him love so unconditionally.  No, it wasn’t a healthy love, but he told me I probably saved him from committing suicide in his late teens.  This gave him the chance to go on and help so many others in his work, and to get to a place where he could understand compassion and love himself.  He thanked me for anchoring him to this world during a troubled time in his life when he felt completely unworthy of love.

The last thing he did was to carefully lift away the energetic cord that connected our heart chakras and let it fall gently to the ground.  He smiled and told me our karma was complete and that I didn’t need to carry that heavy weight around anymore.  We shared an energetic moment of love, and then he was gone.  I don’t know if I’ll have more contact with him in the future, but I’m grateful for the contact we did have.

And so I close that chapter of my life.  I have no regrets.  I learned important lessons from my relationship with Bryan.  Lessons about love, understanding, compassion, and forgiveness.

Rest in peace, dear one.  You will not be forgotten.

When I prepare to do an intuitive reading for someone, I do a little tuning in before I call them on the phone.  Part of the tuning in process includes me taking a look at their chakras, which are the energy centers of our body.  By scanning or tuning in to a person’s chakras I can tell in what areas of their life they have problems and I can tell where they are strong.  It took me a while to understand and to be able to interpret what I’m seeing, but I’ve got it down now.  For example, if I see yellow in a person’s third-eye chakra, I know they are proactively working on increasing their intuition or psychic abilities.  When I see a tiny root chakra I know my sitter is struggling financially or doesn’t feel physically safe and secure (e.g. maybe they’re in an abusive relationship).  When I see a wide open throat chakra just brimming with blue light, I know my sitter makes a living as a communicator (teacher, speaker, writer, singer, etc.).  When I see a huge, wide open heart chakra I know my sitter is extremely compassionate, caring, and connected with others.  If the heart chakra is small or dim I know my sitter is feeling disconnected, lonely, and maybe isolated.  Scanning chakras is like a diagnostic tool I use to get a general idea of where my sitter is in life and what’s going on for them.

Most of the time, my sitters have strong, healthy, properly functioning chakras.  But sometimes when I tune in, all I see are tiny pinpricks of light.  The first time I saw the pinpricks of light in one of my sitters, it freaked me out.  I didn’t know what it meant.  His energetic body was dark, the light inside him was going out, like a candle with no oxygen.  The fire inside him was just dying.  There was almost nothing for me to grasp onto.  He was in a state of energetic freefall.  When I asked him if he was planning to take his own life, he admitted to me that after our phone call he was going to commit suicide unless his spirit guides could give him a good reason to live.  No pressure, right? We made it through the call.  My sitter thought he was at a dead end, but the guides were able to show him a path that led to happiness and fulfillment.  I followed up with him a week later and he looked so much better, energetically, that I knew the crisis stage was over and he simply had to continue with his new plan to find happiness and fulfillment. 

It doesn’t happen often that I find people in this state, but it does happen.  When I tune in and see the pinpricks of light I know exactly what I’m dealing with.  I know my sitter is in crisis.  It’s not just a matter of whether to switch careers or whether to leave their husband, we’re tackling the big question: Should I continue with my life or just end it?  I am so grateful to the people in this situation who choose a reading instead of suicide because it gives me a chance to pass on a message from spirit that is usually very powerful and helpful.  Metaphorically it’s as if these folks are standing in total darkness, lost in the woods, with no food, water or help coming, and then their guides hand them a map, a light, a canteen of water, and food rations.  No, the guides can’t just pluck you out of the woods and drop you off at the lodge.  You still have to walk out of the woods on your own, but at least you have the supplies you need to sustain your life until you can find safety again.

Pinpricks of light.  Are your chakras in this state?  They might be if you are experiencing all of the following:

1. Root chakra:  No sense of security, no stability, financial disaster, unable to take care of yourself.
2. Sacral chakra:  No passion, no joy, no hope.  Depressed or sad.
3. Solar Plexus chakra:  A feeling of powerlessness, lack of self-esteem, no confidence in yourself.
4. Heart chakra:  Feeling disconnected, lonely, and apathetic about yourself and others.
5. Throat chakra:  Unable to express yourself, frustrated, feeling unheard.
6. Third-Eye chakra:  Not receiving intuition, unable to see a future for yourself, feeling like there are no choices left.
7. Crown chakra:  Disconnected from God/Source.  Feeling abandoned by life itself.

If this describes you, get help right away.  Go to a counselor, therapist, or book an appointment with me.  Talk to a friend.  Reach out for help.  Gently blow life back into your chakras.  Help someone else who is in a more unfortunate state than you believe yourself to be.  Meditate.  Listen to uplifting music.  Watch a comedy.  Raise your vibration.  Tune in to your guides.  Pray.  Open yourself to receiving help from the universe.  Sing.  Dance.  Write down 10 things you are grateful for, and do this every night before you go to sleep and every morning when you wake up.  Slowly, piece by piece, put your life back together.

Don’t give up.  When you feel like you’re sinking to the bottom of the ocean and you’re drowning in the darkness, you can still find the light.  But you won’t see it if your eyes are closed.  Be brave and try one more time.  You can heal.  You can find your way back from the brink.

I don’t like seeing the pinpricks of light, but now I know the guides can help.  Let them.

Let people help you
Sometimes you really can’t help yourself.  That’s when it’s time to rely on the kindness of your fellow man.  Find a friend, relative, therapist, counselor, co-worker, or anyone you trust with your situation and ask them for help.  Chances are they won’t say no, and even if they did, you can just move on to someone else.  People who love you and care about you will help you if you tell them what’s wrong and ask for their help.  Even if they can’t offer much in the way of advice, sometimes just telling someone about your situation is enough to lift you back towards the light.  You may also be able to find a support group full of people who have conquered your problem and are there to support others seeking their way back from the brink.  Whatever you do, reach out.  Don’t sit in the darkness alone.

Help someone in need
When you realize that you are in a position to help someone else in trouble, often your own problem doesn’t seem so insurmountable.  Helping others is one of the kindest things you can do on this planet because it recognizes the connection we all share.  When you show compassion towards another you automatically move closer to the light.  Try it and see.  Give a homeless guy some money.  Volunteer at a shelter.  Donate clothing to a domestic violence shelter.  Send treats to an orphanage.  Or just listen to someone with a problem and offer a kind word of support.  When you see others drowning in the dark, you can help each other swim back to the light.  Gratitude is one of the highest vibrations you can give and receive.

Keep your perspective
Sometimes we’re slammed with something horrible.  The death of a loved one, a divorce, the loss of a job, a financial crisis, bad health news.  It can feel like someone tied concrete to your feet and threw you in the river.  But keep your perspective.  Are you really at the end of your rope or did you just slide down a few feet – okay maybe a few hundred feet?  Never let go of that rope, even if you slid all the way to the bottom.  Keep climbing.  While there is still life in you, there is strength to keep climbing.  One inch at a time if necessary.  Still have a roof over your head?  Still have friends who care about you?  Still have enough money in your wallet to buy your next meal?  Is there a cure for your illness?  You’re way ahead of some people, so keep your perspective and keep climbing.  There are thousands, possibly millions of people, in the world who would gladly take your problems over theirs, so keep your problem in the proper perspective if you can.

Find one positive thought
I can’t stress this one enough.  When all you can see is darkness, sometimes you have to create your own light.  Lost your job?  “Well at least I can sleep in tomorrow.”  Been told you have cancer?  “At least others who have had this can guide me back to health.”  Death of a loved one? “I was very lucky to have loved someone so deeply.”  I know that you can sometimes feel utterly buried by bad news or a bad situation.  I think we’ve all had that feeling of totally losing our life energy to devastating news or a devastating situation, but you can always, always choose how you will interpret it.  So you can allow those dark waters to drag you under or you can choose to keep your head above water and start swimming back to shore.  It’s a choice, even if it doesn’t always feel like one.  My friend, Aimmee Riley, who wrote the awesome book, Tears of Hope, always says to me, “At least I am still breathing, so I’m okay.”  She’s a woman who really knows how to persevere in the face of adversity.

Count your blessings
When you’re sitting in the dark and can’t find the light it’s always helpful to count your blessings.  My advice is to literally write them down and keep them somewhere that you can see often.  Turn your attention to the things in your life that are still positive and forget your problem, even if just for a moment.  You’ve got to break the cycle, cut the chain that ties you to that block of concrete, so you can begin to swim back to the surface.  You need to get your power back, so take a serious inventory of what you still have going for you and use those blessings like stairs – climb them.

Remember you are never truly alone
When I’m doing an intuitive reading for someone in crisis I always see angels around them.  In fact, when I see the angels that’s how I know my sitter is going through a really tough time either emotionally or physically.  You are never truly alone.  Behind and beside you walk beings of light whose job it is to help you when you cannot help yourself.  You may not see them or detect them, but they are there when you need them the most.  Just like that poem, “Footprints” about the guy who was walking with God and saw two sets of footprints in the sand, and when he was in trouble he only saw one set and thought God had abandoned him.  “No,” said God, “that was when I carried you.”  If you open yourself to their energy, you will feel their loving comfort.  Some people use prayer to connect with these unseen energies, some use meditation.  Find your angels and let their light infuse you.

Find the humor in your situation
Probably the last thing you want to do when you are devastated is laugh, but laughter truly is the best medicine.  Being in a state of joy or amusement is a really high vibration that can cut through the darkness like a knife through butter.  Find something to laugh at.  Find something amusing in your situation.  If you can’t find amusement in your situation, then find amusement in something else.  Catch a comedy show, watch a funny movie, go to YouTube.com and type in the name of your favorite comedian.  It’s okay to laugh even when you feel like you have nothing to be happy about.  Laughter cuts away the darkness and allows you to think more clearly and find good solutions to your problem.

Don’t make decisions in the dark
When life throws you a curve you automatically go into problem-solving mode.  How will I deal with this?  What will I do now?  How will I survive?  How will I get through this?  When you’re in panic-mode, however, you don’t always come up with the best solutions.  In fact, sometimes you can’t see a way out of your plight.  I have learned that if I am in crisis mode that my ability to make good decisions goes out the door.  So I’ve learned not to make decisions while in crisis mode.  I raise my vibration first.  I count my blessings.  I put my problem in perspective.  I find the humor in the situation.  I ask for help.  Then solutions begin to appear when my mind is ready for them.  If you need time to wallow in your misery, take it, but don’t tarry there too long or you will drown in that darkness.  When you’re ready, begin making a plan that will free you from those dark waters.

Just breathe
When all else fails, breathe.  What’s the first thing we do when we arrive in this world?  We take a breath.  When you literally feel like your world is falling apart then it’s time to go back to the beginning.  Just breathe.  Find a comfortable spot and concentrate on your breath.  Don’t let other thoughts enter your mind.  If they do, gently escort them out the back door.  And then concentrate on your breathing, be in the present, get centered.  Keep breathing until you find peace.  Use that time to connect yourself with the universal energy that fills us all.  Be supported by that energy.  Let it carry you for a while.  Submit yourself to its embrace.  Then, when you’re ready, open your eyes and see the light ahead of you.  Move towards it, one step at a time.  Don’t take your eyes off that light.  Don’t look behind you, always look forward.  As long as you’re breathing, you’re okay.

If someone you know is in crisis right now, help them.  Care for them.  Guide them back to the light.  If you’re the one in crisis, I highly recommend a visit to the forums.  There you will find compassionate, caring individuals who will help you sort through your situation and offer advice for dealing with it.