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Fear and Self-Loathing in Las Vegas

In 2008 I was getting ready to head out for the night to a meeting, when some guy emailed me out of the blue using my business contact form and called me a whale. Yeah.

“You’re a fat whale. You should lose some weight. I can’t stand looking at you.”

That was the entirety of his email. He didn’t include a real email address for a response. Typical.

At that point in my life, I was getting a little bit of hate mail, but it was usually related to my business.

“You’re a fraud.”
“Stop charging money for your god given gift.”
“You’re preying on gullible people.”
“You charge too much.”
“Psychics aren’t real.”
“You’re going to hell.”

And so on. Those emails never bothered me because I knew they were untrue and people were just ignorant.

But the whale comment went right past my armor and stabbed me in my flabby gut. My thoughts were “Well, I AM fat. I SHOULD lose weight.” After I read his words, my self esteem plummeted.

But I was in a hurry. I had to get to a meeting where I was actually giving a speech, and I didn’t have time to wallow in self-loathing.

But the entire time I was driving, I couldn’t shake the horrible sensations I had. I was mad, humiliated, shamed, embarrassed, depressed. I was alone in my car, so there was no one actually judging me. I was judging myself.

I was so upset I almost started to cry. And I decided I needed help raising my vibration so I tuned in to my higher self, Sephira.

Here is how our conversation went, and I’m sharing it because it had a profound impact on me and helped me tremendously, and I’m hoping that what she shared with me will help you if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Me: “Jeez, that really hurt. I feel like crap right now.”

Sephira: “It’s hurting you because you’re identifying some truth in his statements.”

Me: “Yes, I mean, obviously I know I’m overweight. He didn’t have to email that comment to me though. He was being intentionally cruel!”

Sephira: “He was hurting.”

Me: “Yeah he was hurting me!”

Sephira: (patiently) “That’s not what I mean.”

Me: (not hearing her) “What a jerk he was. How rude he was. I hate him.”

Sephira: (going completely dark Galadriel on me) “Do you want him punished? Should we smite him? Should we curse him and his entire lineage? Do you want me to hurt him?? Do you want me to make him suffer?

That got my attention. Could she actually do that? Suddenly I felt tremendous compassion for him. I didn’t want him to be hurt. I didn’t want him to be punished. At all.

Me: “Oh my God, no. No. I don’t want you to hurt him. That would be terrible.”

Sephira: (back to her sweet self) “Then are you ready to listen to what was really going on inside of him?”

Me: “Yes.”

Sephira: “He lashed out at you because he feels small. And hurting you gives him a momentary sensation of power. He’s using the power he feels from hurting you to temporarily staunch the flow of bleeding self esteem that leaks out of him on a daily basis. He can’t bear to look at himself because he won’t like what he sees, so he looks at others, sees what he believes is wrong with them and points it out. Because for a moment, it helps him feel like he’s not alone in being a misfit, in being broken.”

Me: “Oh. That’s really sad.”

Sephira: “Sending cruel comments to people he doesn’t know is his attempt to feel good about himself. But inside, he loathes himself just as for a moment you loathed yourself when you thought about being overweight. The question is, can you forgive him? Can you understand his fears? And can you send him compassion?”

At that point I just felt sorry for the guy. I stopped being in my own stuff, and started to just feel compassion for what the guy might be going through.

Sephira: “Send him some love, Erin.”

I sent him some love. It was a lot easier to do now. I felt compassionately towards him. He must be hurting on the inside and I certainly knew how that felt. And while I would never send a random person on the internet a rude comment, I understood that when people are hurting, when their vibration is low, they will sometimes lash out, act out, or do dumb things in an attempt to stop hurting.

Sephira: “And can you send yourself some love too?”

I sent myself some love and I allowed myself to be held and supported by Sephira and her connection for the rest of my drive.

When I arrived at my destination my vibration had totally changed. I forgot about what he said and I remembered how he must have felt. And I was okay again.

After that, when people sent me rude personal comments, I remembered this conversation and I was able to let it go quickly. I would meditate for a moment, tune in to the person’s own suffering, and send them a blessing, because people in pain need love and compassion desperately.

The next time you feel attacked, and the next time you feel your vibration suffer because of it, tune in to the real person behind the attack and see if you can’t find it in your heart to offer some compassion, understanding, and forgiveness.

It feels a lot better than hate, anger, and self-loathing.

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