Have you ever had someone in your life that you genuinely loved but couldn’t stand spending more than 20 minutes with?
Maybe it’s your uncle who has a heart of gold but spends every family gathering describing his latest medical ailments in graphic detail. Maybe it’s your friend who is wonderfully generous but turns every conversation into a 90-minute monologue about her ex-husband. Or maybe it’s your cousin who insists on explaining cryptocurrency to you even though you’ve told him seventeen times that you’re not interested.
You love these people. You wish them well. You would probably help them move a couch if they really needed you.
But lunch? An entire lunch? With appetizers and dessert?
Absolutely not.
And that’s perfectly okay.
Love Does Not Require Unlimited Access
Somewhere along the way, we got the idea that loving someone means wanting to spend lots of time with them. If we care about someone, we’re supposed to enjoy their company, welcome their phone calls, and enthusiastically accept invitations to spend three hours together in a restaurant with terrible acoustics.
But love and compatibility are two entirely different things.
You can love your sister and still find her exhausting. You can adore your childhood friend and recognize that you have absolutely nothing in common anymore. You can care deeply about a relative while knowing that spending an afternoon together will require a nap, a hot bath, and possibly a week of recovery.
Loving someone doesn’t automatically mean they’re your favorite person to hang out with.
And it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with either of you.
Some People Are Best Enjoyed in Small Doses
Think of people like spices.
Some people are cinnamon. They make everything warmer, sweeter, and more enjoyable. You can sprinkle them into almost any situation and be delighted.
Other people are cayenne pepper. A little bit adds excitement. Too much and you’re sweating, crying, and wondering what terrible decision led you here.
Neither spice is bad. You just need to know how much you can handle.
Maybe your uncle is hilarious at Thanksgiving dinner but unbearable on a five-hour road trip. Maybe your neighbor is delightful when you’re chatting over the fence but becomes a relentless interrogator if you invite her inside.
Some relationships thrive in brief encounters.
A friendly wave across the street? Wonderful.
A ten-minute conversation at a birthday party? Lovely.
A weekend getaway sharing a hotel room?
Let’s not get carried away.
You Don’t Have to Make Everyone Your Best Friend
Another interesting thing we do is try to force relationships into categories they don’t belong in.
We meet someone who’s nice and immediately feel obligated to become friends. We have a pleasant conversation with a coworker and suddenly we’re making dinner plans. We reconnect with an old acquaintance and somehow find ourselves agreeing to a weekend of camping.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
Not every pleasant interaction needs to become a lifelong friendship.
Some people are meant to be coffee acquaintances. Some are great for occasional text exchanges. Some are excellent people to sit next to at a wedding because they can make funny observations about the DJ.
And some people are best appreciated from several states away.
The point is that relationships don’t all need to reach the same level of intimacy to be meaningful.
You can appreciate someone for who they are without inviting them into every corner of your life.
Find the Right Container for the Relationship
Instead of asking yourself whether you should keep someone in your life, try asking what kind of relationship actually works with them.
Perhaps you love your mother but can’t handle her unsolicited advice about your hair, your finances, your furniture, and the way you load the dishwasher.
Maybe a 15-minute phone call once a week is delightful, while a three-day visit makes you fantasize about joining the witness protection program.
That doesn’t mean you love her less. It means you’ve discovered the optimal dosage.
Maybe your friend is wonderful to go hiking with but terrible to have dinner with because she spends the entire meal complaining about the service. Great! Go hiking. Let someone else hear about the inadequacies of the bread basket.
The goal isn’t to punish people for their quirks. We all have quirks. Somewhere out there, someone probably needs a recovery period after spending time with you, too.
The goal is to find a way to enjoy the relationship without constantly wishing you were somewhere else.
Love People Without Forcing the Fit
One of the nicest things you can do for yourself is stop insisting that every person you love must also be someone you enjoy spending hours with.
You don’t have to dislike someone to decline their invitation. You don’t need a dramatic falling-out to establish a little distance. And you certainly don’t need to feel guilty because you’d rather eat your sandwich alone than spend another lunch hearing about your coworker’s ongoing feud with the homeowners association.
You can care about people, cheer for their successes, wish them happiness, and still decide that your time together is best measured in minutes rather than hours.
Sometimes the healthiest relationship is the one where you both go home before anyone gets irritated.
So love your people. Appreciate their good qualities. Accept that they’re imperfect, just like you.
And when that person you adore invites you to a leisurely three-hour lunch, remember that love comes in many forms.
Sometimes it looks like a warm hug.
Sometimes it looks like a thoughtful birthday card.
And sometimes it looks like saying, “I’d love to, but I already have plans.”
Even if those plans involve eating a sandwich in your pajamas while watching squirrels fight over a peanut.
